The Simpsons (TV Series)

A Star Is Burns (1995)

Hank Azaria: Rappin' Rabbi #1, 'Hey!', Japanese Father, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Charles Bronson, New York Pilot, TV Announcer, Senor Spielbergo, Anthony Hopkins, William Shatner, Bumblebee Man, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Man in Audience #2

Quotes 

• Mr. Burns : OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

  Sr. Spielbergo : Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.

  Mr. Burns : Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

• Jay Sherman : Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

  [Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed] 

  Charles Bronson : I wish I was dead. Oy!

  Jay Sherman : But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

  [Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

  [pause] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : That's the joke.

  Man in audience : You suck, McBain!

  [McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

  Man in audience : Hey, that really sucked!

  [McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle : [Cut back to Rainer and Jay]  The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

  Jay Sherman : [contemptuous]  How do you sleep at night?

  Rainer Wolfcastle : On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

  Jay Sherman : Just asking. Yeesh!

• Homer : [after observing Barney's movie]  Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.

  Wiseguy : Beer here.

  Homer : I'll take ten.

• Smithers : Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

  Montgomery Burns : Excellent.

  [a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in] 

  Hannibal Lecter : Excellent.

  [makes the infamous slurping sound] 

  Montgomery Burns : Next.

  William Shatner : Exc-ell-ent.

  Montgomery Burns : Next.

  Homer : Exactly.

  [chuckles] 

  Homer : D'oh!

  Montgomery Burns : [irritated]  Next!

  Bumblebee Man : ¡Excellente!

  Sr. Spielbergo : Es muy bueno.

  Montgomery Burns : Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

• Moe : [dancing on top of the bar]  Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.

  [falls off bar] 

  Moe : OW, my back.

• Chief Wiggum : At last - an excuse to wear make up.

• Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : [while Snake is pointing a rifle at him]  Help! Help! Police!

  Chief Wiggum : [his tie is caught in the hot dog roller]  Hey, I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better.