- Shane Phillips: You know what I hate?
- Cassie McBain: The systemic anger and alienation in today's younger generation?
- D.D. Cummings: The rapidly increasing national debt and its effect on our health and welfare programs?
- Cassie McBain: Those tiny little hairs that grow on your earlobe?
- Jack Wilde: Spy number one's a local girl made bad, who rebelled against her rich parents, found success as a master thief, and once crippled a man she claims was trying to assault her. Watch out, fellas. More than just a token African-American, she's proficient in Brazilian jujitsu and makes a wonderful peach cobbler. Say hello to Shane! Spy number two comes to us from Washington, D.C., where she was indicted on six counts of stealing state secrets from a government database. An expert in computer hacking and foreign languages, she loves volleyball and dancing the rumba. Say hello to D.D.! And last but certainly not least, spy number three. Hailing from Aspen, Colorado, this former Phi Delta Gamma earned her three trips to prison by conning millions of dollars from greedy bankers and C.E.O.s. She loves slipping into other personas and walks on the beach. Let's give a big hand to Cassie!
- Cassie McBain: Come on, Shane, not every elected official is a skirt-chasing liar who preaches virtues he doesn't live up to. I mean, it's that 99 percent of the politicians that give the others a bad idea.
- Shane Phillips: Any suspects?
- Jack Wilde: A few. The Liberation People's Front, the Hammer of God right-wing paramilitary group, the Mallet of God left-wing separatists, the Screaming Banshees of Death - they're actually quite moderate - twenty-four members of the State House, thirty-two members of the State Senate, five Supreme Court justices, disgruntled postmaster general, the National Organization for Women, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Buckley, Billy Baldwin, Natalie Portman, Shannon Elizabeth, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Bailey - don't ask. His high-school homeroom teacher, his college Poli-Sci teacher...
- D.D. Cummings: I especially appreciate the way you hung in there when things got tough. You did some of your best work with your back against the wall.
- Governor Gary McNamara: Well, thanks very much, D.D. Perhaps some day soon I'll be able to do some of my best work with your back against the wall.
- Barry Sharpman: That's interesting. People normally talk to me five, six minutes before they decide not to like me.
- Shane Phillips: I work in a network so I'm not that patient.
- Governor Gary McNamara: But there's a number of people who still think I should be President.
- Cassie McBain: There are a number of people who eat other people, doesn't mean I'd put it on the ballot.
- Jack Wilde: We've got word that there's going to be an attempt on the Governor during the show, and they've already started taping.
- D.D. Cummings: What do you mean, you "got word"? From where?
- Jack Wilde: Never mind.
- Shane Phillips: No, no, really. How do you "get word" on something like that?
- Jack Wilde: Never mind.
- Cassie McBain: And how come you always "get word" part of it? You always know what's going to happen but never who's doing it or how.
- Jack Wilde: I said never mind. Can we get over there, please?
- D.D. Cummings: We're just a little confused.
- Jimmy Onassis: I don't care what anyone says. Hollywood is a magical place full of magical people, and they deserve all the awards they give themselves.
- Governor Gary McNamara: I guess you've heard of cryogenics?
- Cassie McBain: Sure we have; the human snowcone, the freeze-dried nuts, the people who get frostbite *after* they die.
- D.D. Cummings: Walt Disney did it; who's next, Michael Ice-ner?
- Cassie McBain: The only people who've done that are absolute zeros.
- D.D. Cummings: Or people with bi-polar personalities.
- Governor Gary McNamara: What were they in jail for, was it beating a joke to death?
- D.D. Cummings: Our first assignment is on a new TV show?
- Shane Phillips: And if we don't deliver their program...?
- Cassie McBain: Then our program...
- [to Jack:]
- Cassie McBain: you know, the one that you created... will get cancelled.
- Jack Wilde: Exactly.
- Shane Phillips: [to Barry:] Now there's no way I'm gonna allow that guy to keep hitting on every woman he bumps into.
- [the Governor enters from behind]
- Governor Gary McNamara: [bumps into her] Barry!
- [to Shane:]
- Governor Gary McNamara: Well, hello there, sugar. Hmm. I'm guessing you're the proud new beneficiary of a network diversity program.
- [patronising cock of the head, and she nods with a smile]
- Governor Gary McNamara: Listen, I was wondering if...
- [took off his glasses]
- Governor Gary McNamara: you would give me all of your notes over a dinner, a late-night contraceptive...
- [raises his eyebrows]
- Governor Gary McNamara: cocktail!
- D.D. Cummings: [re pilot episodes] The first one is always a cheat. The rest of the series is never as good.
- Shane Phillips: Yup. That's because they spend all their money on it.
- Cassie McBain: Put in *lots* of sex and action so they can fool you into thinking it's gonna be like that every week.
- D.D. Cummings: That is so sleazy.
- Shane Phillips: I agree.