Seinfeld (TV Series)
The Wizard (1998)
Jason Alexander: George Costanza
Photos
Quotes
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George Costanza : What's that?
Jerry Seinfeld : It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza : How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld : Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza : Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld : Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.
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George Costanza : I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry Seinfeld : Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George Costanza : At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry Seinfeld : Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.
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[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza : Jerry?
Elaine Benes : He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza : What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld : [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes : [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, no.
George Costanza : He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes : Mm-hmm.
George Costanza : [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld : George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza : Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld : This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza : All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[hangs up]
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Mrs. Ross : George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.
George Costanza : Oh, I just, uh, leased a house, out in the Hamptons, and I've *got* to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
Mrs. Ross : Thank you for calling, George.
[she moves to hang up the phone]
George Costanza : Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh, uh, okay, I gotta go.
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[George is on the telephone]
George Costanza : Uh, Mrs. Ross, it's - it's George.
Mrs. Ross : Who?
George Costanza : George Costanza, Susan's, uh, friend?... Long time, no speak.
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[Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
Jerry Seinfeld : House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza : Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
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[George comes upon Mr. and Mrs. Ross]
George Costanza : Rosses.
Mr. Ross : George, we were just talking about you.
George Costanza : [nervously] Oh...
[more confidently]
George Costanza : Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing, but this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
Mrs. Ross : [falsely interested] Really?
George Costanza : Yeah, I may move out there.
[the Rosses look bored]
George Costanza : I mean it - I'll do it!... Okay, I'll see you later.... Keep it real!
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George Costanza : So, ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine Benes : Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George Costanza : From me.
Elaine Benes : What did you say?
George Costanza : I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?
Elaine Benes : I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
[laughing]
George Costanza : So they knew? Those liars!
Elaine Benes : But, you lied first!
George Costanza : [Angrily] Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!
Elaine Benes : Like, "You're a liar."
George Costanza : Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?
Elaine Benes : So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."
George Costanza : Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine Benes : Haven't you done enough to these people?
George Costanza : This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.
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[George is driving the Rosses to the Hamptons to visit his fictitious house]
George Costanza : ...and that leads into the master bedroom.
Mrs. Ross : Tell us more.
George Costanza : Wanna hear more?... The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
Mr. Ross : Another solarium?
George Costanza : Yes, two solariums. Quite a find.... And, I... have horses, too.
Mr. Ross : What are their names?
George Costanza : [after a pause] Snoopy and Prickly Pete.... Should I keep driving?
Mrs. Ross : Oh, look: an antique stand. Pull over; we'll buy you a housewarming gift.
George Costanza : [chuckles and speaks to himself] Housewarming gift....
[louder]
George Costanza : All right - we're taking it up a notch!
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George Costanza : [folding the newspaper he was reading] When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner?