Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Wizard (1998)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cosmo Kramer : Boys, I'm retiring!

  Jerry Seinfeld : [Incredulously]  From what?

• [Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone] 

  Elaine Benes : Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

  Elaine Benes : [laughs]  Who are they running against?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

• George Costanza : What's that?

  Jerry Seinfeld : It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.

  George Costanza : How much was it?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.

  George Costanza : Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.

• George Costanza : I got a message from the Rosses at work today.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?

  George Costanza : At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.

• Helen Seinfeld : [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand]  Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?

  Cosmo Kramer : Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You feed him, he'll never leave.

• [Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?

  Elaine Benes : Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You're a master of race relations.

• [Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment] 

  George Costanza : Jerry?

  Elaine Benes : He's still down with his folks.

  George Costanza : What are you doing here?

  Jerry Seinfeld : [worriedly]  Elaine? *Elaine?*

  Elaine Benes : [ignoring Jerry]  I'm gettin' his mail.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, no.

  George Costanza : He asked you to get the mail?

  Elaine Benes : Mm-hmm.

  George Costanza : [George grabs the phone from Elaine]  Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?

  Jerry Seinfeld : George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

  George Costanza : Well, what about the mail?

  Jerry Seinfeld : This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.

  George Costanza : All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.

  [hangs up] 

• [Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Still no Puddy?

  Elaine Benes : Eh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.

• [Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : House in the Hamptons?

  George Costanza : Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

• [Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Hey, buddy. When did you get in?

  [Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Kramer, what are you doing here?

  Cosmo Kramer : I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.

  Helen Seinfeld : Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.

  [Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Not you. *Older* people.