- Morty Seinfeld: [answers the phone] Hello!
- Frank Costanza: [on the other end] This is Frank Costanza.
- Morty Seinfeld: What do you want?
- Frank Costanza: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!
- J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have til' 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.
- [Morty learns "The Tonight Show" is taped in the afternoon and aired at night]
- Morty Seinfeld: How long has this been going on?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [off-handedly] Thirty years.
- Jerry Seinfeld: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
- Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
- Uncle Leo: But she's an anti-Semite.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Can you blame her?
- Cosmo Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
- Elaine Benes: What's wrong with your shower?
- Cosmo Kramer: There's no water pressure.
- Elaine Benes: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
- Cosmo Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
- [Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's office and assumes Kramer is trying to score drugs off Elaine]
- J. Peterman: [barges in the office] Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!
- George Costanza: Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
- Jerry Seinfeld: What's going on?
- George Costanza: My parents are moving to Florida!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Are you kidding?
- George Costanza: Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Where are they moving to?
- George Costanza: Del Boca Vista
- Jerry Seinfeld: Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!
- George Costanza: I know!
- Jerry Seinfeld: We could visit together!
- George Costanza: Every five years!
- [Jerry and George high five each other]
- Jerry Seinfeld: That's incredible!
- George Costanza: I know, I know and you know why they're moving there?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
- George Costanza: To spite your parents!
- J. Peterman: So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.
- Elaine Benes: Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
- J. Peterman: I'm afraid I can't take you
- Elaine Benes: What? Why not?
- J. Peterman: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a 68 year old woman.
- Elaine Benes: But I wanted to see the bushmen.
- J. Peterman: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: You get to a certain point with your parents where, really, the only thing you can do with them is eat. You can't talk anymore, but you wanna at least try and keep your mouths moving. And they're so anxious for it, you know. You come in. "How was the plane? You must be hungry." You know, "How did you sleep? Ready for breakfast?" My mother will argue with me about what I like. "Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie? -- You don't like pumpkin pie. -- Yes, I do. -- Since when? -- What's the difference? Can I have it? -- No. I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie."
- Cosmo Kramer: All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Not from the footage I've seen.
- Elaine Benes: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.
- Helen: You want my urine?
- Elaine Benes: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.
- Helen: I don't know.
- Elaine Benes: Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?
- Helen: Well, what am I gonna do it in?
- Elaine Benes: Well, one of those glasses.
- Helen: Jerry's glasses?
- Elaine Benes: Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.
- Helen: Oh, I could uh - Should I use a coffee cup?
- Elaine Benes: Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.
- Helen: Or maybe a juice glass?
- Elaine Benes: Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
- Helen: This one is kind of scratched.
- Elaine Benes: It doesn't matter.
- Helen: How about a milk glass?
- Elaine Benes: A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass
- Helen: Jerry doesn't wash these very well.
- Elaine Benes: Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!
- J. Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
- Elaine Benes: What? Why not?
- J. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
- Elaine Benes: Opium?
- J. Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
- Elaine Benes: That's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
- J. Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.