- Jerry Seinfeld: [the conversation from the pilot episode of 'Seinfeld'] See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
- George Costanza: Really?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
- George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
- Jerry Seinfeld: You think?
- George Costanza: I think we have.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [In Prison] So, what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough.
- [Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer have been sentenced to one year in prison]
- Elaine Benes: [notices Puddy leaving] Puddy! Don't wait for me!
- David Puddy: [looking indifferent] All right.
- George Costanza: I cheated in the contest.
- Jerry: What?
- George Costanza: The contest. I cheated.
- Jerry: Why?
- George Costanza: Because I'm a cheater!
- [deleted scene]
- D.A. Hoyt: So, on the night of December 7th, 1995, Ms. Benes entered your pharmacy.
- Pharmacist: It was correct.
- D.A. Hoyt: Could you describe her mental state?
- Pharmacist: Agitated, I would even go so far to say, desperate.
- D.A. Hoyt: Desperate for what, Mr. Hoffman?
- Pharmacist: Sponges, and I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.
- Cosmo Kramer: [after Jerry tells Kramer he's moving to California] You're moving to California?
- Jerry: Yeah!
- Cosmo Kramer: But Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back!
- Jerry: No, I'll be back.
- Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.
- Judge Arthur Vandelay: I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of you to spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.
- Jerry: That's him, the bubble boy!
- Jackie Chiles: What's a bubble boy?
- Jerry: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.
- Bubble Boy: The hell you all looking at?
- Jackie Chiles: [Extended version] I am shocked and chagrined! Mortified and stupefied! This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayer's time and money! It is a travesty of justice that these four people will be incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing! Lying and laughing! Laughing... and lying! These four outstanding citizens whose lives have been so unnecessarily interrupted, and whose reputations have been trampled on are lucky to be alive! These four people, were standing on the sidewalk. Having almost perished in a terrible, fiery, plane crash. I'd get the pilot here. That's no problem. The pilot will testify. They were so terrified, that they were quivering and quavering, feeling their arms and legs to make sure they were still in one piece. You know what they were? They were innocent bystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent... bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders. Nobody's disputing that. So, how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing! Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty! Bystanders, are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of by-standing. But, no. They want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal; the guilty bystanders. Don't you let him do it. Only you... can stop them.
- D.A. Hoyt: [Deleted scene] So, with the evidence gathered, you then went to 129 West 83rd Street and arrested Cosmo Kramer and Elaine Benes.
- Det. Blake: Yes.
- D.A. Hoyt: What was the offense?
- Det. Blake: They kidnapped the dog. I believe that heavy-set fellow was also arrested.
- [Points towards Newman]
- Lippman: [Deleted scene] So based on Ms. Benes' recommendation, Mr. Costanza came to work with me.
- D.A. Hoyt: And then what happened?
- [Cuts to flashback, then to present day]
- D.A. Hoyt: Now, let's add sexual harassment to the laundry list.
- Jackie Chiles: Harassment? The only person being harassed is my client! Since when is it illegal to have sexual intercourse with a maintenance worker?
- Judge Arthur Vandelay: Sit down, Mr. Chiles! Next time, I'll charge you with contempt.
- [first lines]
- Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting the whole thing is about the sitting down. "I would really like to sit down with you." "I think we need to sit down and talk." "Why don't you come in and we'll sit down?" Sometimes sitting doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting. "You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just gonna sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work."
- D.A. Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
- Lt. Joe Bookman: Yeah he was, right over there, Seinfeld.
- D.A. Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
- Lt. Joe Bookman: 25 years. But we don't call them delinquent after that long.
- D.A. Hoyt: What do you call them?
- Lt. Joe Bookman: Criminals.
- D.A. Hoyt: State your name.
- Yev Kassem: Yev Kassem.
- D.A. Hoyt: Could you spell that please?
- Yev Kassem: NO! Next question.