- J.D.: J.D.: I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place that I knew no one would ever venture.
- [enters Ted's office]
- J.D.: Ted? Ted?
- Ted: A little help!
- J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
- Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
- J.D.: Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
- Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
- J.D.: It's Wednesday.
- Ted: Aw, man! I missed the Gilmore Girls!
- J.D.: [narrating] Nothing had changed much on the way to work. God, the silence is killing me!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife.
- J.D.: [narrating] I miss the silence.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
- J.D.: Well, that's kind of a trick question, Turk. If I say yes, it's like saying 'Damn, dude, your wife is hot and I want to get me a piece of that', but if I say no, it's like saying 'Yo, I know she's your wife and everything, but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty... '
- Dr. Cox: Jack just - He just fell off of the jungle gym.
- Jordan: You're not careful enough with him!
- Dr. Cox: What about the time you had him and he brained himself on the coffee table?
- Jordan: That was an accident.
- Dr. Cox: Just a quick question. Why is it an accident when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time it's because I'm not careful enough?
- Jordan: Because, I -
- [long pause]
- Dr. Cox: Oh dear God... you're speechless. I won! I won an argument! Jack, it's unprecedented.
- [He starts pushing the stroller away]
- Dr. Cox: We'll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh God, we love beer!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, she's got this whole trust issue with me.
- J.D.: Just tell her she can trust you.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I did. But apparently if I'm the one she didn't know she could trust, how's she supposed to trust she can trust me telling her she can trust me?
- J.D.: My head hurts.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, mine did too.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Mr. Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
- Mr. Gerst: I took some pills.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Come on, help me out here. Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleepy pills, wake up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills...
- Mr. Gerst: Man pills? The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than four hours.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: If what persists?
- [Mr. Gerst, who had a baseball cap on his lap stands up. The baseball cap doesn't fall to the ground]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh! Um... Let's just say you took uppers.
- Dr. Cox: Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.
- Jordan: I normally never let people touch him.
- Janitor: [Appearing out of the blue] Oh really? Because these photographs would beg to differ. Old lady, kissing Jack. Teenage girl, hugging Jack. Homeless man, holding Jack.
- Dr. Cox: Jordan!
- Jordan: That's just Carl. He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax!
- J.D.: Aren't you going to be late to meet Carla?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I've got time.
- J.D.: [Voice over] Turk and Carla were having relationship troubles so she'd been staying at Elliot's for a few days.
- [Out loud]
- J.D.: You were late the last time.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
- J.D.: Yeah, but last week I set it back three hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead five hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
- J.D.: But then I set it back forty-three minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside-down to see if it looked like the word Bob, which incidentally, it totally does...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That's true.
- J.D.: Which means that it's actually...
- J.D., Dr. Christopher Turk: [Calculating on their hands] 9:52!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh my God, dude, I've got to be downtown in like eight minutes!
- Jordan: What's the matter with me? I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters...
- Dr. Cox: Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staph infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and definitely all registered independents. So I think between us we've got everything covered.
- Carla: Turk, with everything that's happened I'm just having trouble trusting you.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
- Carla: Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust, so how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: My head hurts.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Poor Mr. Gerst. I wonder what that's like, to have an erection for nine hours.
- Todd: Ask me in twenty minutes.
- Dr. Cox: [to Jordan] Alright, fine. I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what? The two of us have two distinctively different parenting styles. You're an overbearing hypercautious psychotic, and I'm... well, you know... fun? And I think if we could meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's going to be terrific.