- Elliot: My dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow.
- Carla: You don't seem that stressed out.
- Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days.
- J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
- Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about.
- J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: We must've looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can barely even look at my *own* bajingo.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Is that because it looks so much like a vagina?
- Janitor: [J.D. and Turk have been stealing hospital supplies] Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
- J.D.: [stammers] No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper.
- Janitor: [Janitor stares]
- J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
- Janitor: Bidet?
- J.D.: BIDET to you sir.
- Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [after JD winked at him] Oh my God, Sabrina... You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables your hold that lid up because you did not just wink at me!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I didn't mean anything by it. I wink at everybody.
- [to Kelso]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, Dr Kelso!
- [winks at him]
- Dr. Kelso: Save it for the bathhouses, sport.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself, leaving] Oh, boy...
- Elliot: [to Carla] You wouldn't believe how many women's bajingos we looked at today! Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I can't even look at my own bajingo if you know what I mean!
- Dr. Perry Cox: [to Jordan, who came back home pregnant] Jordan, please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system...
- Jordan Sullivan: Oh, don't worry. It's not your baby. Though not for lack of trying; see
- [to Julie]
- Jordan Sullivan: , we have sex a lot.
- Julie Keaton: Who are you?
- Jordan Sullivan: Who do you think I am?
- Julie Keaton: Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say... the maid!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan. Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. OK, that was a treat, wasn't it?
- [to Jordan]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Now, would you like me to call you a cab or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?
- Jordan Sullivan: [to Julie while sitting on the sofa] Oh no. He called you his girlfriend... If I were you, I'd start gathering your tiny panties up because... I thing you're done.
- Julie Keaton: I'm already bored by you. Perry, I will be in the bedroom; come join me when Tubby leaves.
- [she leaves]
- Jordan Sullivan: Ta.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, who did that to you?
- Jordan Sullivan: Well, I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock full of available, wealthy men...
- Dr. Perry Cox: [interrupting her] So it was the bellboy?
- Jordan Sullivan: Or busboy, or pool-boy... something "boy", I don't know. Anyway, when I first found out I was panicked; and then I thought I've kind of been drifting through life all these years... and I need to look into my heart and see what really matters to me. Anyway, I decided to keep the stupid kid.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You should cut out the middle man and just have a therapist deliver him. I mean, honestly, Jordan, why are you telling me this?
- Jordan Sullivan: Oh! Because I've also decided that I want you back.