Scrubs (TV Series)

My First Kill (2004)

Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Quotes 

• Turk : Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.

  Carla : Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.

  J.D. : Why?

  Carla : I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a... STRIP CLUB!

  Turk : Okay!

  J.D. : Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?

  Turk : Can't talk now! Good stuff's happenin'!

• Dr. Perry Cox : Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -

  Doug Murphy : Pee-pants...

  Dr. Perry Cox : - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.

  J.D. : Doug! Stop writing and go!

  Dr. Perry Cox : That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

• Turk : Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?

  J.D. : Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!

• J.D. : Heaven's a diner?

  Mrs. Tanner : Get anything you want, dear.

  J.D. : Oh... maybe I'll have flapjacks.

  Elaine : They don't have those.

  J.D. : No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? Ehr... don't worry about it. Listen, dead people... do any of you fell that I may have, you know... killed you?

  Mr. Bursky : No.

  Mr. Simon : I mean, you weren't a great doctor...

  Elaine : He was nervous.

  Mrs. Tanner : Oh, like a little bird. But no, dear, you didn't kill any of us.

  J.D. : [after a waitress handed him the bill]  Y-You know what? I left my wallet back on Earth...

• Dr. Molly Clock : Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna...

  Dr. Molly Clock : Eyebrows.

  [walks away] 

  J.D. : Eyebrows. Like that's gonna make you -

  [Tears stream mascara tracks down Elliot's face] 

  J.D. : Elliot, come on, you can't be *that* insecure.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Giant Adam's apple!

  J.D. : [Trying not to be emotional]  I have to go.

  J.D. : [Thinking]  Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.

• J.D. : Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.

  Dr. Perry Cox : That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia! Eventually everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket. It's really... it's really not a question of "if" - it's a question of "when."

• J.D. : Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.

  Mr. Daniels : Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?

  J.D. : Not just someone -- Dr. de Man.

  Mr. Daniels : Who's Dr. de Man?

  J.D. : Say it... say it without the "Dr."

  Mr. Daniels : Who's Mr. de Man?

  J.D. : No, just say the--the last name.

  Mr. Daniels : Who's de Man?

  J.D. : [overly excited]  I'm de Man! That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you.

• J.D. : So, Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery. I'm sending you home.

  Mrs. Carter : Can I drive my trans-am?

  J.D. : That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter. It's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.

  Mrs. Carter : Ohhh, they were everywhere!

  J.D. : You were on a racetrack, Mrs. Carter.

• Carla : [carrying Rowdy, the stuffed dog]  Turk! What is Rowdy doing in my closet?

  Turk : [matter-of-factly]  He's guarding your shoes, baby!

  Carla : He almost gave me a heart attack!

  Turk : Baby, could you do me a favor and not hold him by the haunches like that? Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.

  J.D. : He's a pure-bred -- it's genetic.