- Barbara Walters: Christopher, I certainly didn't fly all the way out here to listen to your buffoonewy. Did you nail her? Were you riding the train to Clarksville?
- Christopher Darden: You know, if eh, we were having a bad day in court like when I made O.J. try on the gloves, then I'd be thinking 'Damn, Chris, you're gonna lose this case!' But then I'd think 'Hey, at least I can have insane mindblowing sex with Marcia during the next recess.'
- Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta: Joey, I gotta aks you somethin'.
- Joe Pesci as Joey La Motta: What's that, Jake?
- Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta: It's a question.
- Joe Pesci as Joey La Motta: Whatsamatter, Jake? What's wrong?
- Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta: [pause] Did you shampoo my wife?
- Joe Pesci as Joey La Motta: Oh... how can you ask that, I'm your brother.
- Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta: Answer the shampooing question, Joey. Did you or did you not shampoo my wife?
- Joe Pesci as Joey La Motta: You know what? You're a sick shampoo, you know that? I'm not gonna answer, 'cause your head is all shampood up over here! In fact, why don't you go shampoo yourself, you stupid paranoid mother shampooer!
- Weekend Update Anchor: And in Independence, Missouri, a library that was to be the second stop for an exhibit called 'Banned Books as Art' has decided to ban the exhibit. Librarian Fran Murray, who personally ordered the ban, said she had nothing against any of the books, she just loves irony.