- Weekend Update Anchor: Well Einstein's theory of relativity, which postulates that people age more slowly when traveling through space was proven wrong this week with the release of Star Trek 6.
- [a beat]
- Weekend Update Anchor: You know I've seen, uh, Cocoon twice and this is the same picture.
- Julia Sweeney: What's wrong?
- Steve Martin.: Heh... it's Chris Farley. He's nothing but a damn coward.
- [Chris is weeping]
- Steve Martin.: He's not fit to wear that fake army costume he's got on. I will not have brave cast members going out there with nothing but a prop and some bad material while this coward sits here, safe.
- Kenneth Rees Evans: Hello, I'm Kenneth Reese-Evans and welcome to another episode of... Theatre Stories. Our guests tonight are Sir William St. John Steven Smythe Kersey, or "Knobby" as he's known at the Old Vic.
- Sir William: Hello, always a pleasure.
- Kenneth Rees Evans: And, our, our next guest is an actress whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare was described as both Dyonesian and unabashedly insane, I am speaking of course of Dame Sarah Kensington.
- Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name. They're calling me again.
- Jack Handey: [Deep Thoughts voice over] The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.