- Wednesday Addams: Pugsley, do you know what time it is?
- Pugsley Addams: Dinner time?
- Wednesday Addams: No. Hammer time.
- Drover: You see, Jake, when you go into town, it's not just you going... it's me, and it's Flappy... and it's Toothless and it's Beaverhead... Squishy and... Little Squishy and... Gabby and Garbonzo... . and Big Squishy and Roy... and Psycho... and all the rest.
- Weekend Update Anchor: In medical news, a major study published today concluded that aspirin, the classic headache remedy, can lessen your risk of colon cancer. Providing of course, you've got your head up your ass. I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.
- Weekend Update Anchor: The only portrait painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive was discovered this week. Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals that Columbus' head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.