- Tommy Flanagan: They were internal injuries, yeah, yeah, that's what they were. In fact, eh... I, I, I got one scar, why it starts right here in my mouth and eh, goes down my throat, into my stomach, out my bellybutton and ends up on my mother.
- Joey Spimozo: Why, I oughta pound you!
- Chick Hazard: [grabs Joey's gun and slaps him across the face] Send this guy for a walk, Eddie, or I'll kick his can so far up into his braincase he'll have to take off his hat to shine his shoes.
- Joey Spimozo: Why, I oughta pound you!
- Weekend Update Anchor: Newly elected governor of Arizona Evan Mecham ran on a platform that included a promise to cancel the states's observance of Martin Luther King Jr's birthday, now a federal holiday. True to his word, Arizona last week did not observe the holiday. Has anybody here seen my old friend Evan? Can you tell me where he's gone? I thought I saw him walking on, over the hill, with Benito, Adolph and Juan.
- [audience cheers and applaudes]
- Weekend Update Anchor: Juan Perón that is, you know it's really hard to rhyme fascists.
- Church Lady: Now, do I hear you correctly, Joey? You make a pass at a tight end who likes to go deep and long and... this is how you score?
- Joe Montana: [chuckles] That's correct.
- Church Lady: Well, isn't that special? Now, Wally, you are what is called, I believe, a, a running back. Now what do you do?
- Walter Payton: Well, I try to penetrate any opening I can find.