- Jonathan Leigh: Now you know the rules on this show, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.
- Burton Stewart: I'm sorry, I thought that was like a, an arbitrary names.
- Jonathan Leigh: No, it's not just the name of the show, Mr. Stewart, it's also the show's credo.
- Eli Horvath: Hey, I don't mind, eh, we're old friends...
- Weekend Update Anchor: Today is the Ides of March, the two thousand and thirtieth anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar. Now here's a guy who was a statesman, a military genius, an author and the leader of the Roman Empire and how is he remembered today? A Vegas hotel and a salad you can only order for two people.
- [audience laughs]
- Weekend Update Anchor: Sorry Julie, it's the best we could do, babe.