- Sandy Duncan: They say that two wrongs never make a right. And here they are to prove it: Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
- Gary Owens: [voice over] And now, the Laugh-In News, with: topless eskimos - cold; Georgie Jessel - old; London Bridge - sold; and tourists in Central Park - rolled.
- Terry-Thomas: I understand there's a new momement called "Musician's Lib". Just the other day, Herb Alpert burned his brass.
- Ann Elder: Johnny, who's your favorite country western singer, not counting yourself?
- Johnny Cash: Well, not counting myself, eh... nobody.