- Roseanne Conner: You can't judge your life according to what men think!
- Crystal Anderson: What's your name?
- Roseanne Conner: Don't you recognize me?
- Crystal Anderson: Maybe you could refresh my memory, where might've we met?
- Roseanne Conner: At Roseanne's house
- Crystal Anderson: Roseanne?
- Roseanne Conner: Trick or treat
- Crystal Anderson: I knew it was you
- Roseanne Conner: No you didn't
- Crystal Anderson: I was just playing along
- Roseanne Conner: You were ready to sleep with me
- Crystal Anderson: I was gonna make you buy me dinner first
- Dan Conner: [Defending Roseanne] Hey leave him alone!
- Pat: What's it to you?
- Dan Conner: He's my husband
- Pat: Hey Bob looks like you're old lady's making a move on the fireman
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah well we have an open relationship
- Pat: Is that because you can't keep her in line?
- Roseanne Conner: Well it's hard enough to control a woman that ain't inflatable!
- [to Jackie]
- Roseanne Conner: Yo bitch!
- [quietly]
- Roseanne Conner: You are making me look bad in front of the guys
- Jackie Harris: Hey I don't see any ring on this finger
- Roseanne Conner: [At the urinal in the men's room] Hey, how you doing?
- Pat: Fine
- Roseanne Conner: You catch that Black Hawks game on TV?
- Pat: No
- Roseanne Conner: So you're a Bulls fan huh?
- [Pat doesn't respond]
- Roseanne Conner: Oh I get it, it's like an elevator
- Dan Conner: He's dressed up as a witch. Witches are girls
- Roseanne Conner: This is the 90s, Dan, witches are women.
- Dan Conner: Where've you been?
- D.J. Conner: Scaring people.
- Dan Conner: Yeah? Well you scared the heck out of me, I didn't know where you were.
- D.J. Conner: You mad at me?
- Dan Conner: ...Nah, you mad at me?
- D.J. Conner: Nah.
- Roseanne Conner: Darlene went as a pirate for 3 years.
- Dan Conner: That was cute, this is different, if he goes out dressed as a witch, he'll come back with a bloody nose.
- Roseanne Conner: That... is so stupid.
- Roseanne Conner: [Roseanne and Pat are about to fight] I'm a woman
- Pat: You will be when I'm done with ya
- Pete: [Roseanne is dressed up like a lumberjack] What can I get for ya sweetheart?
- Jackie Harris: White wine
- Pete: And what about you fella?
- [Roseanne is shocked]
- Pete: Come on pal, I'm busy here, what can I get ya?
- Roseanne Conner: [in a manly voice] Give me a beer
- Darlene Conner: [About the Hall of Terror] That was even lamer than last year
- Becky Conner: Yeah but did you see the cute Freddy Krueger guy checking me out?
- Darlene Conner: Beck brain, there were a million Freddy Krueger's, which one are you referring to?
- Becky Conner: The cute one
- Dan Conner: [Walking through the Hall of Terror in his three stooges costume imitating, Joe, Larry and Curly] Quit breathing on me, I ain't breathing on ya, quit slobbering on me
- [He walks past a coffin which a vampire pops out of]
- Dan Conner: Hey Andy
- Andy: Hey Dan
- Jackie Harris: Power tools?
- Roseanne Conner: That's just their little code for fallopians approaching
- Jackie Harris: What are they talking about?
- Roseanne Conner: Y'know, their first time, their last time, how many times then they all spit and go home
- Pat: This brode is so hot, I thought she was gonna kill me, she pulls out this suitcase full of sex toys, I think this brode is freaky
- Bill: As long as you're getting your battery charged, what's the difference?
- Mike: As long as you're getting your car washed, might as well go for the hot wax
- Roseanne Conner: I just don't get what she'd want with you when she's got a suitcase full of sex toys
- Pat: Is that supposed to be a joke?
- Roseanne Conner: Okay
- Woman: [after seeing Roseanne dressed up as a man and Jackie together] Excuse me, y'know you could do so much better
- Jackie Harris: I don't see you here with anyone
- Becky Conner: Darlene you're not even ready, we could be leaving any minute now
- Darlene Conner: [moans] I don't feel so good
- Becky Conner: What's wrong?
- Darlene Conner: My stomach, oh my God!
- [an alien bursts out of her stomach]
- Becky Conner: [unfazed] So what do you want? Some pepto bizmol or something?
- Dan Conner: [Dan's upset D.J.'s dressed as a witch] Why couldn't he have picked something normal like a vampire or a nice axe murderer?
- Roseanne Conner: Like Lizzie Borden?
- Roseanne Conner: [as Bob] Yeah, every time my old lady starts giving me that crap about men and women being equal, see I just tell her, "You're so equal, well, let's see you pee out a campfire."