- Roseanne: [returning from a ballet recital that Darlene's new boyfriend was dancing in] Well it *is* every mother's dream to get a good look at her daughter's boyfriend's... package.
- Roseanne: [about Darlene's new boyfriend] I'm not going to pounce on him, Jackie. I want him nice and relaxed when I kill him, otherwise it spoils the meat.
- Dan: [to Fred] David doesn't want the kind of girl a motorcycle will attract. If you don't believe me, take a good, long look at Mrs. Conner.
- Dan: [David wants Dan to leave him alone, but Dan can't] Well, I got a good reason. And that good reason is barreling right towards this house right about now, about 70 miles an hour in a 55 zone, slurping a Big Gulp.
- Dan Conner: David scares me, I don't know what to say to him. He's probably down there crying, or reading, or drawing a horse.
- Fred: Why don't you do what you tried earlier, build up his self esteem?
- Dan Conner: I can't give a 17 year old who's been beaten up by a 12 year old self esteem! I can't even give him hope!
- Dan Conner: We may have reached a Conner first... we solved a problem without the police getting involved.
- Jackie Harris: Roseanne, what's wrong with you? You came up here expecting Darlene's new boyfriend would be horrible, the exact opposite of David, and he's not, he's actually very much like David.
- Roseanne Conner: Well if he's so much like David... what doesn't she just date David?
- Jackie Harris: Darlene is going to bring a lot of different men into your life and they're not all going to be like David.
- Roseanne Conner: I know, only we just work so well together.
- Jackie Harris: She's not coming back, he's not coming back, you're the only one left in this relationship.
- Jackie Harris: Thanks for inviting us, Jimmy, I've never been to a ballet before.
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah, pity we had to leave so soon, I still have... some feeling in my left buttock.
- Dan: [after David tries to throw Dan out of his room] You done?
- David Healy: Go to hell!
- Dan: Hey! You don't talk to me that way. I came down here to help you, boy.