- Becky Conner: Mom, you're ironing the towels?
- Roseanne Conner: Well, I can't wait around for you to do it, can I?
- Jackie Harris: Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety... physical pain.
- Dan Conner: And it's rough on your Mother, too.
- Crystal Anderson: [commenting to Jackie about her own PMS] Oh yeah, once I went around and busted a street light for every man who ever broke my heart.
- Dan Conner: Yeah, I remember "The Great Black-Out of '84".
- Jackie Harris: [trying to stop Dan] Dan, wait! No, you can't leave!
- Dan Conner: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.
- Jackie Harris: [Roseanne has PMS] Are you sure?
- Dan Conner: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years; every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
- Dan Conner: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly plesant today.
- Crystal Anderson: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly plesant"?
- Dan Conner: [about Rosanne's PMS] There's gonna be a 24 hour coaster ride, with Sybil at the switch.
- Crystal Anderson: [about Dan's surprise party] How you gonna get Don down there, Roseanne?
- Roseanne Conner: Oh I'm just gonna to tell him, "Hey, the Lodge is having another all-you-can-eat night, and you gotta be there to defend your crown!".
- Roseanne Conner: [to a stripper] You know, you are the reason why there will never be a woman President!