- Roseanne Conner: [when she comes in the front door and sees Darlene & Dan yelling at the contestants on TV] Well, look at that. If it wasn't for unemployment and bomb threats called into the school, the two of you would have no quality time together.
- Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Oh, honey, I ain't no damn good at these interviews. I get too nervous. The guy asked me if I had any hobbies. I panicked and said, "drinking."
- Darlene Conner: Let me explain something to you, Charlotte. You're the older sister. That means you get to treat her like garbage. It's your birthright.
- Charlotte Tilden: Yeah, but that's not how this family works.
- Darlene Conner: No, that's how all families work. Becky got to treat me bad, I got to take it out on D.J. and D.J. gets to take it out on society as a whole.
- Darlene Conner: [to Molly about her & Charlotte] I can't believe this. You two are so screwed up.
- Molly Tilden: We are not.
- Darlene Conner: Oh, please, why do you think she eats so much and you'll sleep with any guy who gives you a little attention?
- Molly Tilden: Go shove it, Darlene. Where the hell do you get so much insight?
- Darlene Conner: [looks over at Roseanne and Jackie] Trust me. I know.