Roseanne (TV Series)
Life and Stuff (1988)
Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner
Photos
Quotes
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Miss Crane : Your daughter barks.
Roseanne Conner : Our whole family barks.
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Roseanne : This is why some animals eat their young.
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[the kids have left for school]
Roseanne : Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.
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Roseanne Conner : [Becky's friend calls, Roseanne anwswers in a high perky voice] Hi! I just looked in the mirror and I'm growing boobs! Becky can't come to the phone.
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Dan Conner : Do you regret marrying me?
Roseanne Conner : Every second of my life.
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Becky Conner : Mom, where's my Algebra book?
Roseanne Conner : I sold it.
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Becky Conner : Our school is having a food drive for poor people.
Roseanne Conner : Tell them to bring some of that food over here.
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Roseanne Conner : Hey, who would you have married if you didn't marry me?
Dan Conner : Rosie!
Roseanne Conner : ! wanna know.
Dan Conner : No one.
Roseanne Conner : Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't. Who? This time, I swear I won't get mad. I know, Beth Winchester.
Dan Conner : Are you kiddin'?
Roseanne Conner : Come on, I'm not gonna get mad. I just want you to tell me the truth. I swear I won't get mad. Just tell.
Dan Conner : Josephine Carter.
Roseanne Conner : Josephine Carter, that old slut?
Dan Conner : She had great toes.
Roseanne Conner : Toes?
Dan Conner : Yeah, she used to sit there and cross her legs and dangle her shoe off the end of her toe. Drove me crazy.
Roseanne Conner : So you're gonna marry her for that?
Dan Conner : Yes Ma'am.
Roseanne Conner : Well why didn't you?
Dan Conner : Well, the morning I was gonna propose, I took her over to this little coffee shop, real quiet out-of-the-way place. Then just as I was about to pop the question, she smeared toast crumbs all over her butter. I got up, I left, I didn't even pay the check.
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Dan Conner : You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!
Roseanne Conner : Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!
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Dan Conner : I can't stand it when people leave toast crumbs on the butter.
Roseanne Conner : Well what difference does it make? You're just gonna smear it on your toast.
Dan Conner : It ain't right. You don't like it when people leave jelly in the peanut butter jar.
Roseanne Conner : That's sickening.
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Crystal Anderson : You got yourself the ideal man.
Roseanne Conner : Oh ideal, huh?
Crystal Anderson : Sure, I'd give anything to have a man like Dan. He stays home, he never runs around on you, he's good to the kids, and he's hygienic.
Roseanne Conner : Crystal, you think he came that way? That's 15 years of fightin' that made him like that.
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Miss Crane : How would you describe your mother/daughter relationship with Darlene?
Roseanne Conner : Typical.
Miss Crane : Ah, typical, not special?
Roseanne Conner : *Typical*.
Miss Crane : I see, do you spend any time with Darlene?
Roseanne Conner : You mean like *quality* time?
Miss Crane : Yes. Do you spend any free time with your daughter?
Roseanne Conner : Well I got 3 kids and I work so I don't have any free time.
Miss Crane : Ah, I think that's the problem.
Roseanne Conner : Well I think the problem is there is no problem.
Miss Crane : Your daughter barks.
Roseanne Conner : Our whole family barks!
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Becky Conner : [screaming hysterically after Darlene cuts her finger] Take her to the emergency room! She needs a tourniquet!
Roseanne Conner : [casually] Shut up, honey!
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Dan Conner : Fixing the sink is a husband's job.
Roseanne Conner : Well that's fair that that's *all* you have to do and I have to do everything else around here! I go to work and put in 8 hours and then come home and have to put in another 8.
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Dan Conner : You want me to cook dinner? I'll cook dinner!
Roseanne Conner : Yeah and I'll have to do the dishes all night!
Dan Conner : Hey, I do the dishes.
Roseanne Conner : When?
Dan Conner : Thursday, 6:45 P.M.
Roseanne Conner : Nineteen-seventy-what?
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Dan Conner : I do plenty to help around here.
Roseanne Conner : Like what?
Dan Conner : [pause] Clean the gutters!
Roseanne Conner : And?
Dan Conner : [pause] What's the point here, Roseanne?
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Dan Conner : Is there coffee?
Roseanne Conner : Dan?
Dan Conner : Yeah?
Roseanne Conner : Isn't there coffee every morning?
Dan Conner : Yes
Roseanne Conner : In the 15 years we've been married has there been one morning where there wasn't any coffee?
Dan Conner : No
Roseanne Conner : Then why do you have to ask me every morning if there's coffee?
Dan Conner : Is there toast?