- Dr. Fitzenberg: The fact is, Principal Prickly, children are not like you or me. They need guidance, motivation, direction, and we are the ones to give it to them.
- Principal Prickly: Yeah yeah, whatever. Hey, you ever see one of these windup skulls? They're pretty neat.
- Dr. Fitzenberg: You see, I'm an expert in child psychology. I've got 3 degrees from various Ivy League schools, I've written 6 books on the subject, 2 of which were nearly published, but I've never actually interacted with my subjects in the fields.
- Principal Prickly: Lucky you.
- Dr. Fitzenberg: Until now.
- Principal Prickly: Can I have my skull toy back?
- Dr. Fitzenberg: I'm gonna get a couple of grad students, sneak out onto the playground, and videotape my subjects in their natural habitat, just like Jane Gooddall and the chimps.
- Dr. Fitzenberg: [on video] This is recess, the average student spends nearly 8,000 minutes, more than 150 hours, nearly 3 work weeks of every school year, on the playground. But do any of us know what our children are really doing out there? After years of painstaking research, I have discovered the truth! Recess is a place where dangerous antics rule the day,
- [shows Mikey impersonating a choo choo train with sound effects]
- Dr. Fitzenberg: What the? This isn't my-
- [gets shushed]
- Dr. Fitzenberg: [narrating] where children are taught to steal bases and balls
- [shows the kids dressed up as thieves]
- Dr. Fitzenberg: where the smartest, most intelligent child is chased like a wild animal.
- [shows Gretchen being chased by tigers, Prickly and co laugh]
- Dr. Fitzenberg: Respected expert Principal Peter Prickly had this to say.
- Principal Prickly: Ooh, here comes my part.
- [footage shows him squealing like a pig]
- TJ: [on video] But what do the real experts say?
- Spinelli: Recess is a place you can swing so high, you can see over the tops of houses.
- Mikey Blumberg: Where you slide so fast, you can't even walk afterwards.
- Vince LaSalle: A place where hanging with your friends, REALLY means hanging with your friends.
- [shows the kids hanging from the monkey bars]
- TJ: The average kid spends 1,158 hours in school every year. More than 180 hours doing homework, 156 hours doing chores, and only 40 minutes a day on the playground. Sure, we want to learn how to become good adults, but we're only kids for a little while, so just give us a break, please?
- Dr. Fitzenberg: [narrating] Today's society is at a crossroads. Do kids today have time for recess? You be the judge.
- TJ: The average kid spends 1,158 hours in school every year. More than 180 hours doing homework, 156 hours doing chores, and only 40 minutes a day on the playground. Sure, we want to learn how to become good adults, but we're only kids for a little while, so just give us a break, please?
- Dr. Fitzenberg: I'm a loser, a failure! All these years of studying children and reading about children and writing about children, I don't even LIKE children! No offense.
- Gretchen Grundler: None taken.
- Dr. Fitzenberg: [narrating] This is recess, the average student spends nearly 8,000 minutes, more than 150 hours, nearly 3 work weeks of every school year, on the playground. But do any of us know what our children are really doing out there? After years of painstaking research, I have discovered the truth! Recess is a place where dangerous antics rule the day, where children are taught to steal bases and balls, where the smartest, most intelligent child is chased like a wild animal. Respected expert, Principal Peter Prickly, had this to say.
- Principal Prickly: Recess, it's a waste of time, that's what it is. Kids today should be spending more time in the classroom learning to compete in a global economy, and less time on the playground acting like children.
- Dr. Fitzenberg: Perhaps this great man is right. Today's society is at a crossroads. Do kids today have time for recess? Or should we get rid of this archaic institution? You be the judge.
- Gretchen Grundler: I feel so... betrayed!
- Vince LaSalle: Man, if those bigwigs downtown see this they'll cancel recess forever!
- TJ: We gotta do something, you guys!
- Vince LaSalle: Yeah, but what?
- TJ: We gotta fix this thing, that's what.
- Vince LaSalle: Huh? TJ what're you talking about?
- TJ: Come on, who knows recess better than we do? A little editing, some new footage.
- Vince LaSalle: Yeah! then we switch the old movie with the new one, and nobody will be the wiser!
- Gretchen Grundler: Again I have 2 issues. 1, is it not wrong to tamper with someone else's work? And 2, should we upgrade it to VHS or three-quarter inch?