- Michael Novotny: Right after my mother told me I was gay,she gave this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.
- Professor Ben Bruckner: Yeah, well, you know I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.
- Michael Novotny: Why not?
- Professor Ben Bruckner: Well, Michael keep as a cucumber is a lot to live up to.