Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Smells Like Codependence (2001)
Scott Lowell: Ted Schmidt
Photos
Quotes
-
Ted Schmidt : You always seem to enjoy yourself when Michael's here. Well, I guess it's not as much fun scoring without your little audience of one, is it? As the great French philosopher Roquefort, or was it Camembert, once said, "It is not enough to trick, your best friend must also go home alone".
Brian Kinney : Fuck you. I haven't thought about Michael once tonight.
Ted Schmidt : Hey, what do you know! Just like when he's here!
-
Emmett Honeycutt : I say if it walks like a boyfriend...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...and talks like a boyfriend...
Emmett Honeycutt , Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...Then it must be a boyfriend!
Brian Kinney : Would you two please shut the fuck up? I think it's great that Mikey's got a steady.
Michael Novotny : He's not a steady! We went out twice!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Around here, that's a long-term relationship.
Emmett Honeycutt : The next thing you know, you'll be exchanging rings...
Brian Kinney : Hmmm... And then there'll be one of those commitment ceremonies; where like, all two hundred of the guests have slept with one, if not the both of the happy couple.
Emmett Honeycutt : Just, ehm, promise me you won't wear matching white suits.
Michael Novotny : There is no way that is ever going to happen.
Emmett Honeycutt : Well, then I suggest you, watch out for the warning signs.
Michael Novotny : What warning signs?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Like when he brings you flowers...
Emmett Honeycutt : ...or, or invites you away for a romantic weekend to the country.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Not that you'll see much beside the bedroom ceiling.
[Emmett laughs]
Brian Kinney : Your shot, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, or the most tell-tell sign of all: When he meets your mother, and ah... she invites him over for dinner.
[Michael hits the cue ball right off the pool table.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Something the matter?
Michael Novotny : I lost my grip.
-
Brian Kinney : [to Michael] Don't forget about this Friday.
Justin : What's this Friday?
Brian Kinney : You're too young to know.
Justin : Tell me!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : It's just some heathen ritual called "Studs and Suds".
Justin : "Studs and Suds"? What's that?
[Brian looks over to Michael, and Michael shakes his head.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Well,
[clears throat]
Emmett Honeycutt : first, they flood the dance floor of Babylon with soap suds...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...then everyone strips down to their undies...
Emmett Honeycutt : ...Or less. And dances. Cheek to cheek...
[bumps Ted with his butt]
Justin : Sounds awesome!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : It's disgusting!
Emmett Honeycutt : See you there?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Can't wait!
-
Michael Novotny : [talking on the phone] It's my neck again. I can barely move it.
Emmett Honeycutt : [referring to Michael's clothes] Do you want the periwinkle, or the apricot?
Michael Novotny : [whispering to Emmett] Shhh!
Emmett Honeycutt : [also whispering] I think the apricot goes better with your eyes.
Michael Novotny : [gets back to the phone, pretending to be in agony] Ah... yeah, I... I think it'll be better in a couple of days. Oh, don't worry. I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor. Thanks. Thanks. Bye.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : You know what grows when you lie.
Emmett Honeycutt : Too bad it's your nose.
Michael Novotny : I'm entitled to a couple of personal days.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Michael, you're entitled to a personal life!
Emmett Honeycutt : Alright, have you got everything?
Michael Novotny : Ah... Five pairs of jeans, seven shirts, four sweaters, and ten tees.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : How long are you going for?
Michael Novotny : The weekend.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Alright.
[walks over to Michael, taking things out from the bag]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : One change of undies, a pack of condoms, a tube of lube. There. You're all set.
-
Michael Novotny : Remember when my Mom took me to Atlantic City, I got sick on all that saltwater taffy?
Emmett Honeycutt : Listen to him. He's got cold feet already.
Michael Novotny : I'm not getting cold feet! I just... don't know what to do for a whole weekend.
Emmett Honeycutt : Well, let's see. First you arrive...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt : Then you unpack...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt : Then you go berry picking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Then you fuck.
Michael Novotny : I mean after you fuck
Emmett Honeycutt : You talk. You get to know each other.
Michael Novotny : What if I run out of things to say? What if I... say some stupid remark and he says, "Why am I up here with this jerk?". And what if...
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey! Hey! Would you please stop worrying?
Michael Novotny : I just want him to like me.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : He already does.
[pausing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : He more than likes you.
Emmett Honeycutt : So you go, and you have a fabulous time. And... Bring us back some berries.
[Emmett puts his hand on Ted's shoulder. Michael smiles, and then Emmett starts groping Ted.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : That's... not my berries.