- Therapist: Justin, do you have anything to say?
- [female psychiatrist & Jen are looking at Justin. He's staring at the table, looks up and smiles.]
- Justin Taylor: I like dick. I wanna get fucked by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it too.
- Therapist: Well, that's a start.
- Nasty Trick: Oh man, I'm so horny. I want you to fuck me for hours, and I'm a top.
- Brian Kinney: Yeah, that's what all the biggest bottoms say.
- [Justin walks into Brian's loft when Brian's ready to do it with the trick.]
- Brian Kinney: Oh, fuck!
- Nasty Trick: Jesus, who's this?
- Brian Kinney: That's the president of my fan club.
- [to Justin]
- Brian Kinney: What do you want?
- Justin Taylor: My Mom's out of control. Now she's following me.
- Brian Kinney: That must be an inherited trait.
- Justin Taylor: I'm not going home.
- Brian Kinney: Well you're not staying here.
- Justin Taylor: There's nowhere else I can go. You want me to sleep on the street? I could get killed.
- Nasty Trick: Why don't you get lost, you little asshole?
- [pushing Justin out]
- Nasty Trick: I was here first.
- Brian Kinney: Better yet, why don't you...
- [pushing the guy out]
- Brian Kinney: ...Beat it!
- Nasty Trick: Fuck you!
- Brian Kinney: Yeah. You're the bottom... remember?
- Justin Taylor: Thanks.
- Justin Taylor: Take your shirt off, you get a free drink.
- Brian Kinney: I don't show my tits for a watered-down Bud.
- Justin Taylor: Get me a beer.
- Brian Kinney: Get your own.
- Justin Taylor: I'm too young.
- Brian Kinney: Well, that's your problem.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Listen, about Friday... you don't have any plans do you?
- Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Not that I know of?
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Not working late?
- Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: No.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: That's good... Because I invited Brian for dinner.
- Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, Christ!
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: How about I make that chicken you like?
- Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Forget it. I wouldn't let him touch my silverware knowing where his hands have been.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know, I wish the two of you would make the slightest effort to get along, so I don't have to be the smiling lesbian in the middle.
- Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Who asked you to be? Just leave him out of my life.
- Marvin Telson: [Brian talking to new client in his 50's] Well, actually, I had a different sort of evening in mind. The sort of evening you might... plan for yourself.
- Brian Kinney: And what sort of evening is that?
- Marvin Telson: Well, you know, one that's more... fun. Like this club that I, uh, heard about, uh... Babylon?
- Brian Kinney: Why, Marvin, you old dog.
- [smiles]
- Brian Kinney: Christ, isn't anyone straight anymore?
- Dr. David Cameron: Can you lie down on your back?
- Michael Novotny: Mmm... Sure. On my back. This is my favorite position. I'm just kidding.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [searching for the right tea for Jennifer] Let's see. We've got Lemon Cream, Raspberry Parfait, Cosy Chamomile... How the hell did a condom get in here? Here, "Get Happy", you need it. So, what did his dad say?
- Jennifer Taylor: He doesn't know.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: How could he not know? You always know.
- Jennifer Taylor: Same reason I didn't. I didn't want to.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Believe me, there are far worse things.
- Jennifer Taylor: I just keep thinking, it's my...
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's not.
- Jennifer Taylor: That I was...
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You didn't.
- Jennifer Taylor: You don't even know what I was going to say.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Yeah, I do. Because I asked myself all the same things.
- Jennifer Taylor: So you don't think it was because I...
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Smothered him? You smother a pork chop, not a son. People are what they are. So did he tell you to fuck off?
- Jennifer Taylor: That wasn't even the worst of it. He told his therapist that he likes... dick.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: There, you see? You already have something in common. I'm sure you were thinking you would probably never have anything to share again! Listen. They talk big and they act tough... But the truth is, the things he's the most afraid of, even more than his dad finding out and beating the shit out of him..., is that you'll stop loving him.
- Jennifer Taylor: I could never do that.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Then you be sure he knows he hasn't lost you.
- Michael Novotny: That's sexual harassment.
- Brian Kinney: Yeah, remind me to press charges.
- Michael Novotny: What does he look like?
- Brian Kinney: Like the kind of guy, if he wagged his dick in front of you, you wouldn't look twice. But if he dangled his account in front of you, you might consider it.
- Michael Novotny: You're kidding? You wouldn't actually do...? Would you?
- Brian Kinney: Well, considering some of the other things I've done.
- Michael Novotny: Yeah, but that was for fun. You've never done anything like this.
- Brian Kinney: You're so beautifully naive, Mikey. It's business. You fuck or you get fucked.
- Michael Novotny: Yeah, only which end are you on?
- Jennifer Taylor: [Jennifer is driving slowly, looking for Justin near his school.] Justin.
- [Justin walks away, ignoring her.]
- Jennifer Taylor: Honey, please. I thought you might like... to come with me.
- Justin Taylor: Where? To see another shrink?
- Jennifer Taylor: It's a surprise.
- Justin Taylor: I'm not interested.
- [Jennifer stops the car, opens the door, and goes after Justin.]
- Jennifer Taylor: You stop right there!
- [Justin still ignores his mother.]
- Jennifer Taylor: Stop running from me because I'm not running from you! I'm still your mother and you're still my son, and I still love you!
- Michael Novotny: [after David asks him out] How did you...?
- Dr. David Cameron: Remember that little problem you had in my table?
- Michael Novotny: Yeah, but you said that even happens to football players.
- Dr. David Cameron: Only the gay ones.
- Emmett Honeycutt: [talking about David] ...It's every mother's dream.
- Michael Novotny: Just be sure not to tell mine. I don't need her to know every time I go out.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Every time you go out is once a year.
- Michael Novotny: Thanks for keeping count.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Accounting is my life.
- Emmett Honeycutt: So, what's he like?
- Michael Novotny: Old.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What's old?
- Michael Novotny: Older than you? Probably... forty?
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That is old.
- Emmett Honeycutt: On the other hand, they don't come as quick, and they have lots of money. So where's he taking you?
- Michael Novotny: Some place called Pappagano.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I hope he's paying.
- Michael Novotny: Is it expensive?
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: A medium-priced entrée is more than your tax return.
- Michael Novotny: Shit.
- Michael Novotny: [Brian opens the door, and finds Michael standing there. Michael enters the loft, and Brian's eyes focus on his outfit all the way in.] Oh shut up!
- Brian Kinney: Who did this thing to you? Ah, let me guess. Emmett Bellarenta?
- Michael Novotny: Should've just worn my jeans, but he said,
- [imitating Emmett's tone]
- Michael Novotny: "No, you can't go out in a date like that".
- Brian Kinney: You've got a date?
- Michael Novotny: Yeah.
- Brian Kinney: A date?
- [hugging Michael]
- Brian Kinney: Mikey's got a date!
- Michael Novotny: I'm gonna call and cancel.
- Brian Kinney: The fuck you are!
- Michael Novotny: Well, I can't go like this!
- Brian Kinney: You're right.
- [walks to get his shopping bag]
- Brian Kinney: Here, try this.
- Michael Novotny: [looking at the shirt Brian just threw at him] Are you sure?
- Brian Kinney: I've got dozens of them.
- Michael Novotny: It's weird going on a date.
- Brian Kinney: Make sure he opens the car door for you and pulls your chair out.
- Michael Novotny: That's what I mean. It's so... hetero. You ever been on a real date?
- Brian Kinney: ... Once. I ended up fucking the waiter.
- Michael Novotny: I don't know what to do or say.
- Brian Kinney: Just be yourself.
- Michael Novotny: That should make the evening fly by! Why can't we just... fast-forward to the sex?
- Brian Kinney: The point of a date, so it's been explained to me by those who do that sort of thing, is that you actually get to know the other person before you fuck them.
- Michael Novotny: What a dumb idea! What if you don't like them?
- Brian Kinney: Worse yet: what if you do?
- Brian Kinney: [Brian and Michael are standing in front of the mirror, looking at the leather jacket on Michael's body.] So what do you think?
- Michael Novotny: I think I look like you.
- Brian Kinney: You look fantastic. You are fantastic.
- [giving Michael a kiss]
- Brian Kinney: Remember that, Mikey.
- Dr. David Cameron: Is that Hugo Boss?
- Michael Novotny: [turning to see his back] Where?
- Dr. David Cameron: [pointing at Michael] Your jacket.
- Michael Novotny: Oh, umm, yeah.
- [referring to the jacket]
- Michael Novotny: It's not even mine. It belongs to my friend Brian.
- Dr. David Cameron: I bet he doesn't look half as good in it as you.
- Michael Novotny: He looks better.
- Dr. David Cameron: I find that hard to believe.
- Michael Novotny: He can look good in anything. He even looks good in nothing.
- Dr. David Cameron: Good body?
- Michael Novotny: Awesome. When he walks into Babylon, heads turn like police lights just to look at him.
- Dr. David Cameron: Sounds like I could make a fortune doing neck adjustments.
- Michael Novotny: [referring to his date] It was a complete waste of time! Paid for dinner, he didn't even want to fuck.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Maybe he has a prostate problem. Or only one testicle.
- Michael Novotny: Or maybe he doesn't like me.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [Brian is knocking at Lindsay's door. Lindsey opens the curtain, sees Brian] The kitchen's closed.
- Brian Kinney: [Lindsay walks away. Brian knocks again. Lindsay finally opens the door.] Were you sleeping?
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We have a newborn here. We never sleep.
- Brian Kinney: Sorry I missed dinner.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't apologize, it doesn't become you. Don't think you can flash that smile and get away with it. That might have been cute at twenty but at thirty it's starting to get pathetic.
- Brian Kinney: Twenty-nine.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [sighs] Have you eaten?
- Brian Kinney: No.
- [flashing that smile]
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Come on.
- [last lines]
- Guy At Babylon: [to Michael] Fantastic.
- [first lines]
- Brian Kinney: [Someone knocks at Brian's door. He wakes up & looks beside him.] Who the hell are you?
- Tattoo: I'm the guy you fucked last night.
- Brian Kinney: Oh, yeah. Were you any good?
- [Someone knocks at the door.]
- Brian Kinney: Okay, I'm coming!
- [to Trick]
- Brian Kinney: And you're going.
- Tattoo: [as he leaves] We'll do this again.
- Brian Kinney: [sarcastically] Yeah, sure.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Let me guess. Your Italian tutor?
- [handing Brian him the baby dummy]
- Brian Kinney: Grazie.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know if you visited once in a while, we wouldn't need to drop by unannounced.
- Brian Kinney: Talk to your girlfriend.
- Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You can't exactly blame her. The way you behave.
- Brian Kinney: She's just jealous, because she thinks you love me more than you love her. And she's right.
- Michael Novotny: Marley, are you free tonight?
- Marley: Do you know how long I've been waiting for a man to ask me that?
- Michael Novotny: I need somebody to stay late and help me with inventory.
- Marley: Oh, sorry. I've got church choir practice.
- Michael Novotny: That's a new excuse.
- Marley: How many times can my great grandmother be on a death bed?
- Brian Kinney: If I don't get this account, I'll be fucked. And without lube.
- Emmett Honeycutt: And that's a bad thing?
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's amazing how you always work anal intercourse into the conversation.
- Brian Kinney: Hey, you try spending an evening with some back-slapping breeder from out of town, smoking cigars, and talking about pussy.
- Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy.
- Brian Kinney: That is a good thing you got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Move over. So you boys in the mood for something sweet, or are you gonna pick up a little something at Woody's?
- [pinches Michael's cheeks]
- Michael Novotny: Ma, stop pinching my cheeks.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Oh, bend over so I can pinch the other ones.
- Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to himself, Brian, and Michael] Looks like it's ah... it's just us, the three musketeers.
- Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: More like the Pointer Sisters.
- Michael Novotny: I can't go either.
- Brian Kinney: What's your excuse?
- Michael Novotny: I have to go back to the store. We're restocking.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Poor baby. Spend the entire evening alone in that dreary crap emporium?
- Michael Novotny: Tracy will be there.
- Brian Kinney: Your bride-to-be?
- Michael Novotny: She's not my bride-to-be.
- Brian Kinney: Then you can tell her who you really are.
- Emmett Honeycutt: I agree. I always say,: "come clean, or don't come at all".
- Michael Novotny: I can't. Where I work, they laugh at faggots.
- Brian Kinney: And the only faggots worth laughing at are the ones who don't tell the truth. Don't be one of those assholes who hides, Mikey. And stop leading her on.
- Michael Novotny: Who's leading her on? We're counting cartons of toilet paper.
- Brian Kinney: Yeah, which you can use because you're so full of shit.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Don't touch me.
- Michael Novotny: Okay, we've done toilet paper, paper towels, paper napkins, paper plates...
- [looking for Tracy]
- Michael Novotny: Tracy? Trace?
- Tracy: I'm here.
- Michael Novotny: Where?
- Tracy: In feminine hygiene. I'm checking panty liners, light days and heavy days.
- Michael Novotny: So how're we doing?
- Tracy: We're heavy on light days and light on heavy days.
- Michael Novotny: Gotcha. Let's move on.
- Tracy: It's always work with you. Don't you ever have fun?
- Michael Novotny: Yeah, I have fun. I have lots of fun.
- Tracy: Really? Because you never want to go out with us after work.
- Michael Novotny: I've gone out with you guys.
- Tracy: Once. Marley says, no one knows what you're really like. That you probably lead this double life.
- Michael Novotny: She's right. I'm not who I appear to be. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. The truth is, when I was a boy, I was exposed to a laser light show at a KISS concert. And after that, I developed a strange power to see into people's minds... To read their most private thoughts. "I'm going to rob a bank! I'm going to blow up a bridge!". Since then, I set out to prevent crimes before they happen and my real name... is 'Laserman'.
- Tracy: So Laserman, what am I thinking?
- Michael Novotny: Umm... We should probably get back to work.
- [falls off the ladder]
- Tracy: Mike?
- Michael Novotny: [moaning in agony] God, I am still stiff.
- Tracy: Stiffer than last night?
- Marley: Now, you two, let's keep it clean.
- Michael Novotny: We're talking about my neck!
- Marley: You must have been doing more than inventory.
- Tracy: Shut up, Marley! Can't you see he's in pain?
- Michael Novotny: This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
- Tracy: Did you take something?
- Michael Novotny: Yeah, like, two bottles of Tylenol!
- Tracy: That won't help. You need a chiropractor.
- Michael Novotny: No. I'm okay, really.
- Dr. David Cameron: [referring to Tracy] She's cute.
- Michael Novotny: Yeah. What a coincidence running into you here.
- Dr. David Cameron: Well, that's not really coincidence. You told me where you worked, remember?
- Michael Novotny: Oh, yeah, right. Well, that's really nice, coming all this way just to see how I am.
- Dr. David Cameron: Nothing is more important than my patients' health and well-being. I also wanted to get a new screwdriver.
- Michael Novotny: Oh. Well, let me show you where the hardware department. We have a complete line of tools, all at everyday low prices.
- Dr. David Cameron: And I wanted to, ah... ask you if you'd like to have dinner with me.
- Michael Novotny: Huh?
- Dr. David Cameron: Dinner. You know, where you sit at the table and eat food from a plate?