Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Ted's Not Dead (2000)
Hal Sparks: Michael Novotny
Photos
Quotes
-
Brian Kinney : [about Ted, who is in a coma] You know, he is a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.
Michael Novotny : You had sex with Ted?
Emmett Honeycutt : You never had sex with Ted!
Michael Novotny : When did you have sex with...?
Brian Kinney : Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.
Michael Novotny : Semi? When?
Brian Kinney : You know that weekend that John-John's plane went down?
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, God. They kept showing him on the beach with his shirt off. I didn't know whether to jerk off or weep.
-
Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett, Michael and Brian are in the steam bath, where a guy with a great ass passes in front of them.] Why I can't get my glutes to look like that?
Michael Novotny : Maybe you're not properly visualized in the muscle group.
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, I'm visualizing it alright. On my face.
Brian Kinney : [about being Ted's power of attorney] Why me? Why not his mother? Why not you?
Emmett Honeycutt : Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning. Who in their right mind would give me power of life and death?
Michael Novotny : I couldn't do it, either.
Brian Kinney : I don't even like Ted.
Michael Novotny : Oh, come on! You do so!
Brian Kinney : Not enough to be responsible for his fucking life.
Emmett Honeycutt : Well he must have wanted you for a reason.
Michael Novotny : Maybe he's secretly in love with you.
Brian Kinney : "I love you, I'm comatose: kill me".
-
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : People wake up from comas sweetheart.
Michael Novotny : Yeah, sure.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Your uncle Vic: how long was he in his?
Michael Novotny : Nine days?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Ten. And I thought I'd lost him. I couldn't tell your grandmother it was A.I.D.S. at the time, because she couldn't have dealt with it. I wanted to hear all about the white light and the... the tunnel, and, and... and did Aunt Theresa get to heaven... First words out of his mouth: "Did I miss the Golden Globes?".
[laughs]
-
Michael Novotny : So what do you think it means?
Emmett Honeycutt : I think it means he likes you.
Michael Novotny : I think it means he loves me.
Emmett Honeycutt : Kind of flattering, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics.
Michael Novotny : It's just that... All this time, I... I never knew.
Emmett Honeycutt : [softly] There's a lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, did you know..., I used to walk down the street in Hazlehurst, Mississippi, and the postman would spit at me?
Michael Novotny : I don't know where my father was born... Or even who he is.
Emmett Honeycutt : I sat with my dead grandma for an hour, and held her hand before I told anyone she was dead.
[Michael reaches over to hold Emmett's hand.]
Emmett Honeycutt : How come we never tell each other these things, huh?
-
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : I'm calling your mother. I'm taking you home.
Justin Taylor : I'm not going.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : You get my tits in a knot, sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep shit! Excuse me.
Vic Grassi : [Debbie walks away from the dining table. Justin sits down across from Vic.] What are you studying in school?
Justin Taylor : Huh?
Vic Grassi : It's called conversation.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Ready?
Michael Novotny : I need to talk to Brian. I'll be there in a second.
[the others leave]
Michael Novotny : Do you have anything to say?
Brian Kinney : ... No.
Michael Novotny : Well, I do. You can fuck him at your place, you can fuck him in his gym class, you can fuck him at the zoo, but you cannot fuck him in my mother's house. In my room!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : We're waiting.
Michael Novotny : Okay, I'm gonna go do this little job, then I'm gonna go see Ted at the hospital. You do whatever the fuck you want!
-
[last lines]
Brian Kinney : I want it to be you.
Michael Novotny : What?
Brian Kinney : I want it to be you! I'll put it in writing.
Michael Novotny : I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.
Brian Kinney : And you pull mine.
-
[first lines]
Michael Novotny : In case you weren't there, I gotta tell you last Saturday night at Babylon was to die for.
-
Michael Novotny : You went home with...
Emmett Honeycutt : An undertaker. Uh-hmm.
Brian Kinney : I fucked an undertaker once.
Michael Novotny : You did? When?
Brian Kinney : He told me sometimes they sew the mouths shut.
[raising his eyebrow]
-
Michael Novotny : [about Ted, who is in a coma] He's in there! His life's like this... A dot on a screen. It could be us!
Brian Kinney : No, it could not be us! Because we know better. We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys who tell you that "it's really good shit", because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you.
[putting his arms on Michael's and Emmett's shoulders]
-
Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett's handphone rings, and he answers it.] Torso.
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] It's me.
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] Oh, my God. Is he dead?
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] No, but he's gonna wish he was when he finds out his Mom's going to his condo tonight for pajamas.
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] Oh, shit! What if she finds his porn?
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] And his magazines. And remember his thirty-third birthday last year?
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone]
[laughing]
Emmett Honeycutt : When we gave him those thirty-three dildos, that was hilarious.
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] Well, it's not so funny anymore. We've gotta go there and find all thirty-three.
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] Wait.
Michael Novotny : [On the phone] What?
Emmett Honeycutt : [On the phone] What if he's given some as hostess gifts?
-
Emmett Honeycutt : [Emmett and Michael are at Ted's home. Emmett moves the light on the table to another position.] That's better. I'm always telling him not everything in life needs to be centered.
Michael Novotny : We can redecorate later. His mother's coming!
[opening the fridge, throwing things out at Emmett]
Michael Novotny : Poppers, cheddar, Brie...
Emmett Honeycutt : I don't think there are particular strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael.
Michael Novotny : Fine, whatever. You check out the bedroom. I'll work out here.
Emmett Honeycutt : Okay.
Michael Novotny : Falcon...Falcon... "You've Got Mail"? He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?
-
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : I've always said it isn't who you love; it's how you love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing.
Michael Novotny : [to Debbie] This is not about you and the Gay Mother of the Year award. This is about Brian's one-night stand.
Justin Taylor : Not just one.
Michael Novotny : Don't bet on it. And who here even cares?
Vic Grassi : I do.
Justin Taylor : My dad threatened to disown me. He called me a big queer.
Vic Grassi : He didn't hit you, did he?
Michael Novotny : Oh, come on, Uncle Vic. You're not gonna listen to this shit?
Justin Taylor : That's why I have to see Brian. He'll let me stay with him.
Michael Novotny : I don't think so.
Justin Taylor : Well, then... I'll go to New York. I'll become a hustler, and I'll sell my body to gross old homos.
Vic Grassi : I'll give you twenty bucks.
[Debbie hits Vic on his head.]
Vic Grassi : Save him the train fare!
Justin Taylor : I'm gonna throw up. I gotta vomit.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Upstairs' bathroom. The one for guests and drama queens.
[Justin runs upstairs, while Vic and Michael laugh.]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : It's not a joke, you know. Gay teens have a very high suicide rate.
Michael Novotny : Unfortunately, not this one.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : I'm calling his mother.
Michael Novotny : It's not our business.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : He may be telling the truth. And even if he isn't, she's gonna be worried.
Vic Grassi : She's not worried. Now she knows: It's not drugs. It's not booze. He didn't buy an automatic weapon to take down to the Spanish club... It's just cock!
-
Michael Novotny : Okay, just so you don't freak out... Your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all... in case your Mom found it.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Well, I expect all thirty-three back.
[to Emmett and Brian]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Cleaned.
Emmett Honeycutt : You should eat something, honey.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I'm not hungry.
Michael Novotny : We bought you a whole fucking chicken!
Brian Kinney : And you're gonna eat it.
Emmett Honeycutt : [to Brian] Oh, my God. Look at this. Who keeps lube in their front kitchen cabinet?
-
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : It always looks so much smaller.
Michael Novotny : What does?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Your life. Especially after returning from a near-death experience.
Michael Novotny : Like watching the Oscars.
[lowering his voice]
Michael Novotny : Immediately proceeded by...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt , Michael Novotny : "The Barbara Walter's Special!".
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I'm glad you're here.
Michael Novotny : You are? Well, ah... I... uhm...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What?
Michael Novotny : I'm... ah... I'm glad you're here too.
[Ted smiles.]
Michael Novotny : And if you ever wanna talk about this..., or other stuff...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Other stuff?
Michael Novotny : You know, if there's some... You know, something you can't talk about.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Like what?
Michael Novotny : I don't know. You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it? But, you, ah, you might not get what you want. But... Oh, shit!
Brian Kinney : [interrupting the conversation] Are you going to come eat the chicken?
Michael Novotny : ... I'm gonna arrange the daisies.