- [first lines]
- Brian Kinney: Hey, see that guy?
- [points to an old man]
- Brian Kinney: He just turned thirty. That's what you're gonna look like in a couple of days, Mikey.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, don't listen to him. You look like you're ten.
- Brian Kinney: Yeah, but this strange thing happens on your thirtieth. You look great the night before, but then you wake up the next morning and your ass is down to there, and your dick disappears.
- Ted: Well, I'm thirty three, what does that make me!
- Brian Kinney: Did you guys just hear something, like a voice from the dead?
- Debbie Novotny: [after Michael has broken up with his chiropractor boyfriend] I just lost a potential son-in-law.
- Michael: All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis.
- Vic Grassi: Listen, why are you so interested in me all of a sudden?
- Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, I was just wondering.
- Vic Grassi: Bullshit. You boys never talk to anyone over forty unless you have to.
- Emmett Honeycutt: I think I have it.
- Vic Grassi: 'It' doesn't mean what it used to, you know?
- Emmett Honeycutt: That's what they say. People still
- Vic Grassi: die. All the time. But they die from other things, too. You can't think about that.
- Emmett Honeycutt: I just can't believe this is happening to me. I mean I'm not promiscuous.
- Vic Grassi: Let me tell you about promiscuous. Promiscuous is anyone having more sex than you.
- Emmett Honeycutt: I thought I was been safe, careful
- Vic Grassi: Sex isn't careful. And if it is, you're doing it wrong. It's messy. And it's human. And it's mixed up with other things. It's a genie that won't stay in the bottle. Listen, Emmett, if you think you made a mistake, move on. And accept it like a man.
- Ted: ...Listen, I know there's a part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved...
- Michael: What are you talking about?
- Ted: Le-let me finish... so we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna love us. And we fantasize about the day when all of the sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing, and all our dreams come true. Only, you know, that day never comes and before you know it, it's your 40th birthday, it's your 50th birthday and... and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you Michael. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Why did I eat those god damn pancakes?
- [burps]
- Emmett Honeycutt: They're repeating more than "I Love Lucy".
- Michael: [to Debbie] Mom, David and I have nothing in common... except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one.
- Dr. David Cameron: [answering the phone] Hello...? Hello...? Michael, I have caller I.D.
- Michael: I must have pushed the wrong button.
- Ted: [after getting the results from his A.I.D.S. test] I'm negative... I'm negative.
- Melanie Marcus: That's okay. Happy people can be really annoying.
- Michael: [at his surprise party] Who are all these people?
- Brian Kinney: Well, if I invited just your friends, there'd be like six people here. I had to open it up to sex partners.
- Michael: I haven't slept with any of these people.
- Brian Kinney: My sex partners.
- Melanie Marcus: [to Brian] Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney, one way or another?
- [last lines]
- Ted: He's cute. If you don't want him, I'll take him.
- Emmett Honeycutt: You can have him. I made a promise to God.
- Ted: A promise to God? What promise to God?
- Emmett Honeycutt: I prayed, and I told God that if I were negative, I would never have sex with another man. And I'm negative. So I can never touch a man again.
- Emmett: This is about what a certain someone's going to say, isn't it? Well, I say that you deserve to be loved. And don't let any man, queen, or Brian tell you otherwise.
- Michael: [Talking about Justin] What is he doin' here?
- Debbie Novotny: Isn't he adorable? The customers love him. His ass gets more compliments than the burgers.
- Ted: At least his buns are fresh.
- Debbie Novotny: Michael Charles Novotny!
- Vic Grassi: Oh, oh! Middle name! Look out!
- Debbie Novotny: Do listen to me and listen carefully! Do not f*ck this up. Now, I want you to call David right now, and apologize for whatever it is that you did.
- Michael: What makes you think I did anything!
- Debbie Novotny: I'm your mother!
- Melanie Marcus: I feel like she's shutting me out. I just die how long I can take it.
- Ted: Look, I don't wanna hear this.
- Melanie Marcus: Why can't I share?
- Ted: Because the minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end. Find a shrink!
- Melanie Marcus: I've been in therapy for six years.
- Ted: Are you covered by insurance?
- Melanie Marcus: Yep.
- Ted: Great! Then have a breakdown. You can afford it.