- Victor Meldrew: Oh, I very nearly forgot.
- Miss Lander: Nearly forgot what?
- Victor Meldrew: I very nearly forgot to call you an evil loathesome bastard. I wouldn't treat a sewer rat the way you treat these people and I shall be talking to the social services department first thing in the morning, to tell them about the sickening brutality that goes on around here in the name of geriatric care!
- Miss Lander: I have to look after the welfare of all my residents, not just one or two! You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work, or the destructive behaviour they're capable of!
- Victor Meldrew: I'm sorry? Uh, what language are you talking in now? It appears to be BOLLOCKS!
- Nick Swainey: Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's quite nice out here now! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!
- [last lines]
- Official: There's certainly evidence of some shocking mistreatment, no question about that. Biggest question of all is what happened to the staff. Where did they all vanish to suddenly? Can't get any sense out of the residents; just some story about a mystery man who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the night, like the Lone Ranger.
- Official: Tcha. I expect they all got the wind up. Decided to make a run for it before *we* got here.
- Official: Ah, I suppose that's it, yes. OK, sergeant, all yours for statements.