- [Mrs Warboys was meant to get Victor's dry-cleaning. But instead brought back a gorilla costume]
- Victor Meldrew: What's this!
- Mrs Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely. Myself, I can hardly see a thing.
- Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... It... It isn't my suit!
- Mrs Warboys: Isn't it?
- Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from?
- Mrs Warboys: Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again.
- Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when you brought it out!
- Mrs Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
- Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A's!
- Margaret Meldrew: That's it! Tomorrow morning, I'm going back to work. I'm going back to work for a bloody *rest*!
- [first lines]
- Margaret Meldrew: Will you just leave that for tonight!
- Victor Meldrew: Here we go; look. Three... two... one... Look at that. Look! At! That! All the models on the market, we have to end up with a waste disposal unit that can't keep its food down.
- [last lines]
- Mrs Ashcroft: I'm Mrs Ashcroft. It was our baby that was stolen the other day, and I gather it's thanks to your information the police managed to pick up that girl, just round the corner from here. And we just wanted to pop by and say... well, words can't express it, can they? Now that we've got him back it's just thank you very, very much, from me and my husband.
- Victor Meldrew: [about Margaret] Doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly. Been building up over the last thirty-five years. I don't know what he meant by that.
- Margaret Meldrew: "Why don't you take it easy for a couple of weeks? Let me look after you for a change." Take it easy! I'd get more peace of mind being nursed by the Evil Dead!