- Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, can I say something to you in confidence?
- Dan Fielding: Of Course Sir.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: You're a Jerk.
- Dan Fielding: Your secret is safe with me.
- [on Dan's upcoming operation]
- Mac Robinson: Dan, We know just how much guts this is taking.
- Dan Fielding: About two and a half feet, from what they tell me.
- Public Defender Christine Sullivan: Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?
- Public Defender Christine Sullivan: Sir!
- Morgue Attendant: Look, folks, "pervert", "prude", it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute...
- [holds up toe-tag]
- Morgue Attendant: I guess it is!
- Dr. Flick: I'm going to talk to the Duty Nurse about your enama.
- Dan Fielding: I am Not going to Pay for any enama.
- Dr. Flick: [Winking at Dan] My treat.
- Morgue Attendant: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take D. Fielding to the morgue.
- [Everyone tells him there must be some mistake]
- Public Defender Christine Sullivan: He's just here for a minor operation.
- Morgue Attendant: [smiles] I'll check back later.
- Dan Fielding: Yeah, over my dead body.
- Morgue Attendant: It's a date!
- Dan Fielding: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.
- Dr. Flick: Does he always behave like a complete ass?
- Mac Robinson, Public Defender Christine Sullivan, Judge Harry T. Stone, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: [All nodding at once] Oh, Yes!
- Dan Fielding: [Looking annoyed at them] Thank You.
- Mac Robinson, Public Defender Christine Sullivan, Judge Harry T. Stone, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: You're Welcome.
- Dr. Flick: [after Dan has returned to the hospital for the second time] You know you have a Very Stupid Friend here?
- Mac Robinson, Public Defender Christine Sullivan, Judge Harry T. Stone, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: Oh, Yes!
- Dan Fielding: [Annoyed again] Thank You.
- Dr. Flick: [Coming in the room, shaking a thermometer] How are we feeling, Mr. Fielding?
- Dan Fielding: I am in Great Pain!
- Dr. Flick: [Smiling widely] Good!
- Dan Fielding: [Looking at the thermometer] Oral?
- Dr. Flick: Yes.
- [Then looking down at Dan]
- Dr. Flick: Disappointed?
- [Dan glares as the Doctor puts the thermometer in his mouth]
- Mac Robinson: Sir! I took this around to everyone on the floor
- Judge Harry T. Stone: What is it?
- Mac Robinson: A card wishing Dan a prompt and painless recovery.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: There's no signatures on it.
- Mac Robinson: Like I said, a *card wishing *Dan a prompt and painless recovery.