- Crow: You know, it's economical not to have a storyline, cause then you can just film people saying things.
- Mike Nelson: Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: We will, we will, rock you!
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
- Tom Servo: So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go
- Crow: Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town!
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
- Mike Nelson: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo!
- Tom Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane!
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
- Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now!
- Mike Nelson: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key!
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
- Tom Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep
- Crow: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon!
- Mike Nelson: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it
- Tom Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble
- Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey
- Mike Nelson: We were merely freshmen!
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!
- Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
- Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
- Mike Nelson: Wow. The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
- Tom Servo: Hey Suzie, what's the matter?
- Crow: Yeah Suzie, what's wrong?
- Mike Nelson: Oh nothing... I guess...
- Tom Servo: Come on, you can tell us!
- Crow: Yeah!
- Mike Nelson: Gee, I dunno girls... Okay it's like this...
- Tom Servo, Crow: Uh huh?
- Mike Nelson: You know, Steve?
- Tom Servo, Crow: Uh huh!
- Mike Nelson: [singing] Steve's a werewolf but he's my g-uy, he's different from the rest, I don't know why. But my mother and pop, they disapprove, but no one can stop us for it true "luve"
- Tom Servo, Crow: Huh?
- Mike Nelson: [Talking] Well I had to rhyme words
- Tom Servo, Crow: [Muttering in agreement] Sure, sure. Got it. Go ahead.
- Mike Nelson: [singing with Tom and Crow doing Shooby do bops] Where oh werewolf, I've looked everywhere wolf. Where oh where, where is my werewolf?
- Mike Nelson: Listen girls
- [singing]
- Mike Nelson: Late one night we drove in his c-ar, to make out point, it wasn't that far...
- Tom Servo: Take the Hiawatha exit, left at the first stop sign
- Mike Nelson: Well whose story is this, Carol?
- Tom Servo: Sorry, he he
- Mike Nelson: [singing] The moon was full, he pulled me clo-se, I held his paw and I touched his cold nose
- Crow: That means he's healthy!
- Mike Nelson: But then, his hairy paws caused the wheel to slide!
- Tom Servo, Crow: No!
- Mike Nelson: I screamed, too late! We hit a tree, he died
- Tom Servo, Crow: Gee, that's to bad Suzie
- Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow: [Sung in unison] Where oh werewolf, I've looked everywhere wolf, where oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where is my werewolf?
- [after the security guard/werewolf crashes his car]
- Tom Servo: Did those oil barrels just leap out in front of him?
- Crow: So, his plan is to rid the world of security guards by changing them into werewolves one by one and then having them crash their cars?
- Mike Nelson: Well, uh, it seems to be working so far.
- Tom Servo: Here we go. This is good, because it's been a couple minutes since a woman's been brutalized.
- Natalie: Paul, that's not a scratch. It's a deep cut!
- Crow: Speaking of "deep cuts", did this scene really need to be in the movie?
- Tom Servo: [as Paul is shown contemplating his fight with Yuri in the previous scene] She can't help but be impressed with the way I handled that situation - the way I scurried out of there when he ordered me to...
- [Paul turns off the radio; the soundtrack cuts out]
- Mike Nelson: [laughing] Thanks for turning off the bad soundtrack.
- Yuri: [to Natalie] Let's talk.
- Mike Nelson: Wonder what language they'll use? Austrian, Portuguese, Bulgarian, Catalan...
- [Natalie drives Paul back to his house]
- Crow: [as Natalie, flatly] Where you live is incredible.
- Paul: So, here we are.
- Mike Nelson: Mr. Smooth.
- Paul: Would you like to come up for a drink?
- Tom Servo: Oh, yeah! The one-two punch.
- Sam the Keeper: Come on in, we're expecting you...
- Tom Servo: Why don't you head down to the crawl space, I'll be right there to kill ya... he he he
- Sam the Keeper: Glad to see you could make it...
- Mike Nelson: Did you bring your anti-government propaganda?
- Tom Servo: I can't believe people call me a psycho, I'm gonna take those people's heads and carve em' into ashtrays.