My Family (TV Series)

Serpent's Tooth (2000)

Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan : Oh, God.

  Ben : It's all right, they're only raisins.

  Susan : No, no, no, my filling's fallen out.

  Ben : Oh really? Which one?

  Susan : The new one.

  Ben : Oh, the new one.

  Susan : Could you have a look?

  Ben : Well I could, but I'm not your dentist any more, am I?

  Susan : Oh for God's sake, Ben, this is no time to behave like, well, like you always do.

  Ben : Don't come running to me. Surfing Mel botched it, surfing Mel can fix it.

  Susan : I don't believe this.

  Ben : Where are you going?

  Susan : Your idea - Surfing Mel can fix it.

  Ben : Really, shouldn't you be making an appointment first?

  Susan : Oh, don't worry. That's the great thing about Mel. He's always got time for me.

  Ben : Is that defecating rodent still here?

  Nick : All right, I was going anyway.

• Ben : So, that was, er...

  Nick : My internet girlfriend! Bloody gorgeous, wasn't she?

  Janey : Yeah, how did you do it? I know - you pretended to be a really fit guy.

  Nick : Well... not exactly.

  Ben : You didn't? Yes, you did... You pretended to be a woman!

  Nick : Yeah - and it nearly worked!

  Ben : What do you mean, it nearly worked? It didn't work! There was no way it was going to work!

  Nick : Yeah, but it was worth the risk!

  Ben : You're such a loser!

  Nick : Me? You're the one who owes me £50! Cash, mate - no cheques!

  Ben : Our son has just come out - as a lesbian!

  Susan : Yes, dear. But that won't change the way we feel about him.

  Ben : Believe me, Susan, nothing could ever change that!

• [trying to find Surfing Mel's website, Ben tries an internet search with the keywords "oral" and "contacts" - whatever the page they've found is, both Ben and Nick are speechless] 

  Ben : Good Lord.

  Nick : Good going.

  Ben : That can't be Surfing Mel.

  Nick : You'd better hope it's not.

• Nick : You notice anything strange about that rabbit?

  Ben : Yeah, it's been here for two days and hasn't asked me for money yet.

• Nick : Dad!

  Ben : No!

  Nick : What?

  Ben : I'm anticipating your next question - it begins with 'Can I have?'

  Nick : Wrong. It begins with 'Can you lend?'

  Ben : Funny. They both end with 'no'.

• Nick : I just want to borrow your new laptop.

  Ben : I gave you the old laptop.

  Nick : It doesn't work.

  Ben : Neither do you. You're compatible.

• Nick : Why do you always give me things that are broken?

  Ben : Because you always break them!

  Nick : [about Ben's laptop]  I didn't break it. It just got a little damp.

  Ben : Nick, 'portable' does not mean 'submergible'.

  Nick : Hmm... It didn't say that in the instructions!

  Susan : How do you know? You didn't read the instructions.

  Nick : Well, I didn't want to get the pages wet!

• Susan : If you really need a computer, why don't you borrow Michael's?

  Nick : 'Cause it's... sort of personal.

  Susan : You're not chatting up girls on the internet again?

  Ben : What do you mean 'again'? What, you've done this kind of thing before?

  Nick : Yeah, and it worked really well! Talia, her name was. This 19-year-old cellist from Prague. We had a really deep and rewarding e-relationship going.

  Susan : ...until Talia turned out to be a 48-year-old gas fitter called Stuart from Sunderland!

  Nick : [pause]  Alright! So he was a man! It meant a lot to me while it lasted!

  Ben : You know when parents say they'll love you, no matter what? They're lying.

• Nick : Look at it this way, mum. Say I did meet the right girl. We might get married. Her dad might offer me a job on the family firm, which I suppose would mean I'd have to move out.

  Ben : [From the living room]  The laptop's in the living room desk - top drawer!

• Nick : You see, the problem with chatting to a girl on the internet is they miss out on the full Nick Harper experience. You know, the piercing blue eyes? The easy smile?

  Janey : The smell?

• Janey : You know, what really impresses a girl, Nick, is when a boy takes an interest in her clothes.

  Nick : Great! Thanks!

  Janey : Why not ask her what colour her knickers are? You know, I think my teeth look wonderful.

  Nick : They're yellow.

  Janey : No, they're not! They're pearlescent!

  Nick : No. Isabelle's knickers!

  Janey : She told you? What a slag!

• Nick : [Describing his internet girlfriend]  She's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model and her father is the chairman of a major electronics business.

  Janey : Does the phrase 'Pull the other one' mean anything to you?

  Nick : [pause]  Ah, you think she's got a sister?

• Nick : Hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?

  Ben : Shouldn't you be in gainful employment?

• Susan : [after seeing Nick and Ben viewing porn]  Someone you know? Is this how you spend your time?

  Ben : It's, erm... it's...

  Nick : It's, er...

  Ben : It's what?

  Nick : ...it's father and son bonding.

  Ben : Oh, no, it's not!

  Susan : No! Those definitely weren't two men!

  Ben : It's not what you think it is, Susan.

  Susan : Pathetic is what I think it is. Although Nick has the excuse of being emotionally retarded.

  Ben : Cheers, mum!