My Family (TV Series)

Serpent's Tooth (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben : She's brushing so hard she could damage her epithelial cuff.

• Susan : Oh, God.

  Ben : It's all right, they're only raisins.

  Susan : No, no, no, my filling's fallen out.

  Ben : Oh really? Which one?

  Susan : The new one.

  Ben : Oh, the new one.

  Susan : Could you have a look?

  Ben : Well I could, but I'm not your dentist any more, am I?

  Susan : Oh for God's sake, Ben, this is no time to behave like, well, like you always do.

  Ben : Don't come running to me. Surfing Mel botched it, surfing Mel can fix it.

  Susan : I don't believe this.

  Ben : Where are you going?

  Susan : Your idea - Surfing Mel can fix it.

  Ben : Really, shouldn't you be making an appointment first?

  Susan : Oh, don't worry. That's the great thing about Mel. He's always got time for me.

  Ben : Is that defecating rodent still here?

  Nick : All right, I was going anyway.

• Ben : Another dentist! Have you ever heard anything so disloyal?

  Brigitte : I think it's a disgrace.

  Ben : Thank you. At last someone who sees it my way.

  Brigitte : No, I think it's a disgrace you can't make any time for your children. It's like the story of the cobbler's children who had no food.

  Ben : No, it's the story of the cobbler's children who had no shoes.

  Brigitte : That makes no sense, their dad was a cobbler.

  Ben : Let me tell you the story of a dental assistant who had no job.

• Ben : [after a passionate kiss with Susan]  Oh my God.

  Susan : What's wrong?

  Ben : That molar. Upper right five.

  Susan : What about it?

  Ben : The cracked filling, you've had it repaired.

• Ben : So, that was, er...

  Nick : My internet girlfriend! Bloody gorgeous, wasn't she?

  Janey : Yeah, how did you do it? I know - you pretended to be a really fit guy.

  Nick : Well... not exactly.

  Ben : You didn't? Yes, you did... You pretended to be a woman!

  Nick : Yeah - and it nearly worked!

  Ben : What do you mean, it nearly worked? It didn't work! There was no way it was going to work!

  Nick : Yeah, but it was worth the risk!

  Ben : You're such a loser!

  Nick : Me? You're the one who owes me £50! Cash, mate - no cheques!

  Ben : Our son has just come out - as a lesbian!

  Susan : Yes, dear. But that won't change the way we feel about him.

  Ben : Believe me, Susan, nothing could ever change that!

• [trying to find Surfing Mel's website, Ben tries an internet search with the keywords "oral" and "contacts" - whatever the page they've found is, both Ben and Nick are speechless] 

  Ben : Good Lord.

  Nick : Good going.

  Ben : That can't be Surfing Mel.

  Nick : You'd better hope it's not.

• Janey : He started telling me a story.

  Susan : What kind of story?

  Janey : The story about the kitten who didn't floss.

  Susan : The kitten who didn't floss?

  Ben : Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it ended up with lots of cavities, it's a good story.

  Janey : Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up.

• Ben : What, no school today?

  Janey : No, I've got the dentist.

  Ben : Ah, great... What? What do you mean? Hang on a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in, unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out.

  Susan : I booked her into another dentist.

  Ben : You did what?

  Susan : Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off.

  Ben : I do *not* keep fobbing her off. I've been fobbing her forward.

  Susan : Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you.

  Ben : Susan, paying patients come first.

  Susan : That's right, your family always comes second.

  Ben : Against TV, golf, and football that's not bad going. Where did you find this dentist, on a card in a phone box?

  Susan : Yellow Pages.

  Ben : Oh, Yellow Pages! Oh, I see. Well they don't take *anyone* in Yellow Pages.

  Janey : Oh, calm down, dad. One dentist is pretty much the same as another.

  Ben : [shouting]  They most certainly are not!

  Janey : No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting "Shut up!"

  Ben : It is effective! It makes me feel better!

• Ben : [looking at his cereal]  Has that rabbit been in its cage all morning?

  Michael : They're just raisins.

  Ben : Oh yeah?

  [eats a spoonful of the cereal] 

  Michael : I think.

• Susan : Let it go.

  Ben : I can't.

  Susan : What exactly is it that's bothering you?

  Ben : She's my little girl.

  Susan : Oh now she's your little girl. Wasn't it yesterday she was that airheaded shopping machine from hell?

  Ben : I can't help being multi-layered.

• Nick : You notice anything strange about that rabbit?

  Ben : Yeah, it's been here for two days and hasn't asked me for money yet.

• Ben : [to Michael's rabbit]  I mean, you can see why I'm so hurt, can't you? Sure I'm a husband and a father, but above all I'm a dentist. A family dentist. That's what I do. That's what I am. And if my family can't respect me as a husband or a father, then surely they can respect me as a family dentist, otherwise... what's the point of me? Mmm? No point.

  [clucks to the rabbit] 

  Ben : Eh, fancy another? Come on, let your fur down. You know, we're quite alike, me and you. Yeah. I mean... Well I mean, we've different backgrounds: me a professional man with a family and a home and you a bunny rabbit with long floppy ears and a twitchy nose, but we're quite alike. You know why? Because we both live in cages. That's right. Except you can't see the bars in mine. Oh, yes, I think I've had enough.

• Susan : Now, just so that you understand, your father's going to explain what's been happening. Ben?

  Ben : Why should I explain? You'll only interrupt.

  Susan : I only interrupt when you digress.

  Ben : I do not digress. You digress.

  Susan : I don't digress, I build a framework.

  Ben : A framework. It's like a bloody scaffold.

• Susan : [discussing Janey]  If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you talk to her? Sit her down, father to daughter, and explain how you feel.

  Ben : [looking horrified]  You're right, I'm overreacting.

• Susan : Nick, breakfast!

  Ben : Congratulations! You've woken up every Nick in the world!

  Susan : Except one!

• Ben : [Sees Janey painting her nails]  Ah, purple! Oh, that's nice! It gives you that finger-slammed-in-the-car-door look!

  Janey : Mazda or BMW?

• Nick : Dad!

  Ben : No!

  Nick : What?

  Ben : I'm anticipating your next question - it begins with 'Can I have?'

  Nick : Wrong. It begins with 'Can you lend?'

  Ben : Funny. They both end with 'no'.

• Nick : I just want to borrow your new laptop.

  Ben : I gave you the old laptop.

  Nick : It doesn't work.

  Ben : Neither do you. You're compatible.

• Nick : Why do you always give me things that are broken?

  Ben : Because you always break them!

  Nick : [about Ben's laptop]  I didn't break it. It just got a little damp.

  Ben : Nick, 'portable' does not mean 'submergible'.

  Nick : Hmm... It didn't say that in the instructions!

  Susan : How do you know? You didn't read the instructions.

  Nick : Well, I didn't want to get the pages wet!

• Susan : So, should I book the restaurant before or after the film?

  Ben : W... what? You didn't tell me we had plans tonight.

  Susan : I left that note on the fridge, I got Brigitte to put it in her appointment book and I wrote it in lipstick on the bathroom mirror.

  Ben : I need more than hints, Susan!

• Ben : Why don't we go out tomorrow night?

  Susan : Alright.

  Ben : [pause]  Excuse me?

  Susan : I said 'Alright'.

  Ben : Stop it, Susan. Stop laying the guilt trip on me. OK, OK. If I let Unsworth down again, he'll go somewhere else.

  Susan : All I said was 'Alright'.

  Ben : Yeah, al... There you go again! You see? You can't stop it, can you? It's just guilt, guilt, guilt - it's unbearable! I mean, you know, you must be really upset!

  Susan : Ben, I understand. I am not upset.

  Michael : Mum! Football boots!

  Susan : Didn't you hear me? Take some responsibility for yourself!

  Ben : Hey! Why are you angry with him and not angry with me?

  Susan : Because with him, there's still a point.

• Susan : If you really need a computer, why don't you borrow Michael's?

  Nick : 'Cause it's... sort of personal.

  Susan : You're not chatting up girls on the internet again?

  Ben : What do you mean 'again'? What, you've done this kind of thing before?

  Nick : Yeah, and it worked really well! Talia, her name was. This 19-year-old cellist from Prague. We had a really deep and rewarding e-relationship going.

  Susan : ...until Talia turned out to be a 48-year-old gas fitter called Stuart from Sunderland!

  Nick : [pause]  Alright! So he was a man! It meant a lot to me while it lasted!

  Ben : You know when parents say they'll love you, no matter what? They're lying.

• Nick : Look at it this way, mum. Say I did meet the right girl. We might get married. Her dad might offer me a job on the family firm, which I suppose would mean I'd have to move out.

  Ben : [From the living room]  The laptop's in the living room desk - top drawer!

• Janey : You're just jealous!

  Ben : Jealous? Why? Why should I be jealous?

  Janey : Because you see dentistry as a dark and horrible wasteland, whereas Mel... he sees it as a calling, filled with life, joy and hope!

  Ben : Well, he's obviously doing it wrong!

• Nick : Hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?

  Ben : Shouldn't you be in gainful employment?

• Susan : [after seeing Nick and Ben viewing porn]  Someone you know? Is this how you spend your time?

  Ben : It's, erm... it's...

  Nick : It's, er...

  Ben : It's what?

  Nick : ...it's father and son bonding.

  Ben : Oh, no, it's not!

  Susan : No! Those definitely weren't two men!

  Ben : It's not what you think it is, Susan.

  Susan : Pathetic is what I think it is. Although Nick has the excuse of being emotionally retarded.

  Ben : Cheers, mum!

• Ben : Since you're so good at explaining, why don't you explain one or two things to me?

  Susan : Like what?

  Ben : Like how you apparently *forgot* to tell me about your little dental adventure?

  Susan : Honestly! It's not like I'm having an affair with him!

  Ben : Susan, he's an Australian! They'll have anything in a dress!

  Susan : Anything in a dress?

  Ben : Er, perhaps if you went out and came in again...

  Susan : So, I'm anything in a dress?

  Ben : ...I expect you'll soon forget I even said this.

  Susan : Anything in a dress?

  Ben : I didn't think so.

  Susan : I don't know which is more insulting: that you think I'm anything in a dress or you think I'd be so stupid enough to fall for a dentist a second time!

  Ben : That's the point: he's *a* dentist! I'm *the* dentist! If you'd come to *the* dentist in the first place, none of this would have happened!

  Susan : Well, that's you all over, is it? Whatever the problem, whatever happens, it is never, ever your fault!

  Ben : You know whose fault it is?

  Susan : Whose?

  Ben : That bloody rabbit! Ever since it moved in here, it has been nothing but trouble!

• Ben : Alright, Michael. The thing is, your mother has been very silly. She's been seeing another dentist.

  Susan : I think what your father's trying to say, he's being very arrogant and not seeing anyone else's point of view.

  Ben : Or to put it more simply, your mother thinks she's always right when in fact she's always wrong!

  Susan : Although, how would he know anything about anything when he spend all his time fanning around with his patients and lets his own family go to pot?

  Ben : Whereas your mother thinks that money grows on trees and new handbags sprout little legs and magically leave the shop and enter your house?

  Susan : Whilst your father, although a qualified dentist, believes that children's teeth are magically repaired by the tooth fairy if he ignores them for years...

  Ben : Despite all this, your mother knows that she'll never find a bigger sucker as me!

  Susan : And your father knows he'll never find anyone else who'll have him!

  Ben : That's why we're not getting divorced!

  Michael : Thanks, mum! Thanks, dad! I'll sleep easy tonight!