- Nick: I've volunteered for a sleep deprivation project from someone at King's. Every day I don't sleep, they pay me £5. If I don't sleep for a year, I'd have made £1,825.
- Janey Harper: You know how ridiculous that sounds?
- Nick: No. I hear after three nights without sleep, you start seeing giant cockroaches crawling all over you.
- Michael: In your room, that happens after three minutes!
- Sylvie: [on the phone] Oui. Il est mignon.
- Susan Harper: Filet mignon? I knew it. She's missing French food.
- [first lines]
- Mr. Hilliard: [dressed as Hitler] Nine!
- Ben Harper: Excuse me?
- Mr. Hilliard: I was led to believe you opened at nine sharp.
- Ben Harper: And I was led to believe you'd been dead fifty years.
- Ben Harper: [when Nick's dressed as a real English man] I think you either got it or you ain't. And... you ain't.
- [last lines]
- Janey Harper: Merde! Qu'est que tu fous là, crétin! Vous m'emmerdez tous! Vous êtes des salauds et des cochons!
- Susan Harper: Well, at least she's improved her French.
- Ben Harper: Translation, Michael.
- Michael: Believe me, Dad, you don't want to know.
- Mr. Hilliard: Are you firing me?
- Ben Harper: Firing you? I've not even hired you! I'm not going to hire you!
- Mr. Hilliard: It's because I'm short, isn't it?
- Ben Harper: It's because you're dressed as Hitler.
- Mr. Hilliard: Ah, there's a dress code?
- Ben Harper: Yes, I'm afraid there is. And usually, tongue studs, hot pants and Third Reich uniforms are generally considered inappropriate for a dental surgery.
- Janey Harper: Ugh! Mum, don't even tell me what it is!
- Susan Harper: It's a bouillabaise casserole ragu melange - to make your French exchange friend feel at home.
- Janey Harper: Er, she's not a friend. She's my ticket to Paris. So you'd better dump that before you scare her off!
- Susan Harper: I've rented a film to put us in the right mood for French visitors!
- Ben Harper: What, 'Last Tango In Paris'?
- Susan Harper: 'Gigi'.
- Ben Harper: Oh, no! Not bloody 'Gigi' again!
- Susan Harper: Yes, bloody 'Gigi' again! It's about a young French woman.
- Ben Harper: What? So is 'Emmanuelle', but we're not watching that!
- Susan Harper: Is it unreasonable to want to share my favourite film with you?
- Ben Harper: Yes.
- Susan Harper: No, it isn't. You have to like it.
- Ben Harper: I don't like any of your favourite films.
- Susan Harper: You said you liked 'The Enigma of Kasper Hauser'.
- Ben Harper: That was our first date. That's before I knew you were easy.
- Nick: [In a bad French accent, dressed like a beatnik] And I am Nico Jean-Paul Lou Pierre Harper!
- Sylvie: I do not speak English too good.
- Ben Harper: It's alright. You're gonna fit in fine around here.
- Susan Harper: [about Sylvie] She's very pretty.
- Ben Harper: Yeah? I haven't really noticed.
- Susan Harper: Maurice Chevalier would have noticed!
- Ben Harper: Maybe. But I'm not an old lech. Now let me read.
- Susan Harper: [singing] "For little girls get bigger everyday..."
- Ben Harper: Well, grow up, then.
- Susan Harper: [about Janey and Sylvie] I know. Tomorrow, you can take them out together so they can bond.
- Ben Harper: I know. You do it.
- Susan Harper: You've got Saturday off, I haven't. What could be better?
- Ben Harper: Having my genitals fed slowly through a mangle?
- Susan Harper: Thanks. I was wondering what to do for your birthday.
- Nick: Dad, can we have a talk?
- Ben Harper: Eh?
- Nick: You know, a real talk? Man to man? Father to son?
- Ben Harper: What, Earth to Pluto?
- Nick: Yeah, that kind of thing.
- Sylvie: Hello, Brian.
- Brian: Hi.
- Janey Harper: And who do you think you're looking at?
- Sylvie: Brian! Il est mignon!
- Janey Harper: Er, il est mine, you two-faced tart!