My Family (TV Series)

Much Ado About Ben (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : [about Nick]  Why did we have him?

  Susan : I don't know. I was asleep.

• Ben Harper : Well, congratulations! You've managed to break the world record for cavities!

  Mr. Briggs : Oh, dear!

  Ben Harper : No, save 'Oh, dear' for the bill!

• Ben Harper : Brigitte?

  Brigitte McKay : [Walks in with a book on her head] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, lovely. New hat?

  Brigitte McKay : My feet are killing me.

  Ben Harper : Yes, from lack of use, no doubt. A hand, please?

  Brigitte McKay : No, I read this article that said if you improve your posture, it takes the stress off your feet.

  Ben Harper : Mmm. So does lying in the gutter after you've been fired.

  Mr. Briggs : She is right, you know. West African women carry up to 80kg on their head and never need orthopaedic shoes.

  Ben Harper : Please, don't encourage her. Ever. Thank you.

  Brigitte McKay : Is he an anthropologist?

  Ben Harper : No, foot fetishist!

• Brigitte McKay : Don't mind him. He's been extremely tense all morning.

  Ben Harper : No, I've been extremely tense since you applied for this job. Coincidence?

  Brigitte McKay : That's exactly what I mean! Note that the veins are throbbing in his head - see? Right there, that's stress!

  Ben Harper : See? Right there, that's door! Go through - goodbye!

• Ben Harper : Nick?

  Susan : Get out.

  Nick Harper : Do this! Do that! Sometimes, you make me feel like a complete prat!

• Susan : You'll never guess what I found in his pocket today.

  Ben Harper : Certainly not a payslip.

  Susan : Here.

  Ben Harper : What, Viagra?

  Susan : You know Nick. He doesn't like to work at anything.

• Susan : [about Nick's Viagra]  Aren't you curious to see how it works?

  Ben Harper : Eh? No, not really.

  Susan : Me neither.

  Ben Harper : No.

  Susan : [pause]  Although, as parents we owe it to our children to make sure what they're doing is safe.

  Ben Harper : Are you suggesting that I take it?

  Susan : Come on! Where's your sense of adventure?

  Ben Harper : At the moment, tending to my bruised ego!

• Ben Harper : [Susan questions his libido]  Excuse me! I do not need any help in that department, thank you very much! I don't, do I?

  Susan : I never meant to suggest that you did.

  Ben Harper : Good. I mean, you're not just trying to protect my feelings, are you?

  Susan : Why would I want to do that?

• Doctor Kelly : Well, Mr Harper, you'll be happy to know that it certainly wasn't a heart attack.

  Susan : Oh, thank God!

  Ben Harper : I never thought it was.

  Susan : Then why were you weeping and saying how much you loved the children?

  Ben Harper : Because you drove through three red lights!

• Doctor Kelly : How long have you been on Viagra?

  Ben Harper : No! I can assure you it was a one-off!

  Susan : Not even!

  [laughs] 

  Doctor Kelly : I sincerely doubt that your problem was caused by the Viagra. It's more likely due to the food you eat and a high level of stress.

  Ben Harper : Yes, in our house the food we eat *is* the source of stress!

• Ben Harper : I mean, it could have been a heart attack. It could have been a stroke. But do they care? No. They act as if nothing ever happened.

  Brigitte McKay : But I thought you told them to leave you alone.

  Ben Harper : I've been saying that for years. But, er, why did they start listening to me now?

• Brigitte McKay : Would you like to know what Dave has to say?

  Ben Harper : Dave? Who's Dave?

  Brigitte McKay : He's my guru.

  Ben Harper : You have a guru called Dave?

  Brigitte McKay : Well, yeah, he's a part-time guru. The rest of the time, he's a roofer.

• Brigitte McKay : If you're genuinely happy with who you are...

  Ben Harper : I'm very happy with who I am! I'm ecstatic about who I am! It's who everyone else is that depresses me!

• Ben Harper : You're looking at the new Ben! Positive Ben! The Ben who's open to new experiences! What's this?

  Susan : A new experience! It's bleach-free, low-salt rice! You like rice!

  Ben Harper : Yes, with chicken tikka masala. Do you have any bleach-free, low-salt chicken tikka masala?

  Susan : I thought you were thinking positive.

  Ben Harper : Compared to what I'm really thinking, that *is* positive!

• Ben Harper : So, what's a-happening, dude?

  Janey Harper : Well, I was trying to win tickets to the Marilyn Manson concert.

  Ben Harper : Marilyn Manson - she's great!

  Janey Harper : It's a he, dad.

• Susan : It's a different generation, Ben. Don't even try.

  Ben Harper : I'm not going to feel like an old fart because I don't like their stupid music!

  Nick Harper : No, you need to feel like an old fart because you've got hair in your ears!

  Nick Harper : Haha! Shut up!

• Susan : Do you know, dear, it would do you some good to join the yoga class.

  Ben Harper : Susan, please! Stop trying to change me!

  Susan : I'm just trying to help you.

  Ben Harper : How? By saying I'm old, decrepit and I've got hairy ears?

  Nick Harper : Actually, that was me!

• Susan : Sleep well?

  Ben Harper : No, I feel terrible! I had nightmares of Nick trying to kiss me!

  Susan : Odd. I kept having nightmares of sleeping next to a belching, snorting soak!

• Susan : Ben, this is Doreen. Doreen, my husband Ben.

  Ben Harper : Oh, hi.

  Doreen : Oh, you look a lot like my ex-husband. Same cruel mouth.

  Ben Harper : Oh, the fun starts here!

• Doreen : Call that a tree?

  Ben Harper : [Struggling to do the tree yoga pose]  What?

  Doreen : Come on! Raise those branches! Stiffen your trunk!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, that's what got me into this mess in the first place!

• Doreen : Down dog!

  Ben Harper : Up yours!

  Susan : Ben, down dog is a yoga position!

• Ben Harper : Ah! Couldn't keep away, could you?

  Doreen : Are you even trying to be a dog?

  Ben Harper : I don't know. Are you still trying to be a tree?

• Ben Harper : OK! I said I would give it a try, Susan, but actually I quit!

  Doreen : Oh, what a surprise! Another man not willing to commit!

  Ben Harper : Commit to what? To being miserable? I can do that quite happily on my own, thank you very much!

• Susan : You wouldn't leave me for a younger woman, would you?

  Ben Harper : Why? Do you know someone?