- Susan Harper: And I've also told you I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.
- Michael Harper: Doesn't work anymore Mum, I've grown. You haven't.
- Susan Harper: You said yes?
- Ben: Of course I said yes! I've never been best man before! I've been third best man, I've been second best man, I've been substitute usher, but... ooh! This time, Susan, I am the best!
- Susan Harper: And all these years, I've just settled for you being adequate.
- Susan Harper: Didn't you hear about the last time someone told Abi her father was getting married?
- Ben: No?
- Susan Harper: You're familiar with the expression 'Shoot the messenger'?
- Ben: Yes?
- Susan Harper: Usually, it's a metaphor.
- Susan Harper: Where do you think you're going?
- Michael Harper: What?
- Susan Harper: You're supposed to be washing up.
- Michael Harper: Oh, yeah... yeah... Erm... I'd love to, but I've just eaten. And, er, you've always told me don't go near water for at least an hour after eating.
- Ben: The, the... the thing is, Abi, er...
- Susan Harper: He's got some news!
- Ben: ...and, er...
- Susan Harper: You're not going to like it very much!
- Ben: Why don't you tell her?
- Susan Harper: No, no, no, no, no! I wouldn't dream of it! I'm not saying a word! My lips are sealed!
- Ben: Good. The thing is, Abi...
- Susan Harper: Your father's getting married again!
- Abi: What?
- Ben: Yes, he's getting married to...
- Susan Harper: ...to a woman named Gina Beresford!
- Abi: I don't believe it! Why does he keep doing this? I hate him! I hate him! I HATE HIM!
- Ben: [Looks at Susan angrily]
- Susan Harper: Well, you made a complete hash of that!
- Nick: So, someone finally asked you to be their best man!
- Ben: Yes! And I'm going to do it properly, OK? I'm gonna write the wedding speeches, I'm gonna co-ordinate with the ushers...
- Nick: Throw a really wild stag night?
- Ben: Yeah... Don't tell me - you've got a stag party planning business?
- Nick: As a matter of fact, I do! It's a start-up company starting... now! I call it Stagnation!
- Abi: [about her dad] It's not just because he's getting married. It's because he's a thoughtless pig. Although, pigs do think quite a lot. I hear they're cleverer than dolphins, but they can't swim as well as them, though.
- Susan Harper: Look, Abi, you're an adult now - theoretically - and your father is not your problem any more. He's Gina Beresford's problem.
- Abi: And that's my problem - we went to school together!
- Susan Harper: She's not your age?
- Abi: No. She's three years younger.
- Susan Harper: God! This is starting to sound like 'Emmerdale'!
- Abi: And I bet they're getting married next week!
- Susan Harper: How do you know?
- Abi: Half term.
- Susan Harper: That's it! I think I'm going to be sick!
- Susan Harper: Why do middle-aged men suddenly feel the need to run away from mature women?
- Ben: Because you eat our books?
- Ben: Susan, Susan! Stop! I love mature women! I lo- they're like a fine wine! A ripe cheese... I don't mean smelly, and I definitely don't mean you've got blue veins! OK?
- Susan Harper: What are you trying to say?
- Ben: What do you want me to say?
- Susan Harper: As little as possible!
- Ben: You - what? - can't order me to cancel a stag night! I am a best man! You're an ordinary woman! I outrank you!
- Susan Harper: I'm not ordering you to do it. I just won't respect you if you don't.
- Ben: You don't respect me, anyway!
- Nick: Emergency! Emergency! You've got to help! You've got to help! The strip club have sent the cake to the party and they've sent the stripper to a wake in Wokingham!
- Susan Harper: [Drunk and sarcastic] Oh, so sorry to hear about that! Boo-hoo!
- Nick: I mean, if you can't trust a company called Sleazers Palace, who can you trust?