My Family (TV Series)

May the Best Man Win (2003)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : And I've also told you I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.

  Michael Harper : Doesn't work anymore Mum, I've grown. You haven't.

• Susan Harper : You said yes?

  Ben : Of course I said yes! I've never been best man before! I've been third best man, I've been second best man, I've been substitute usher, but... ooh! This time, Susan, I am the best!

  Susan Harper : And all these years, I've just settled for you being adequate.

• Susan Harper : Didn't you hear about the last time someone told Abi her father was getting married?

  Ben : No?

  Susan Harper : You're familiar with the expression 'Shoot the messenger'?

  Ben : Yes?

  Susan Harper : Usually, it's a metaphor.

• Susan Harper : Where do you think you're going?

  Michael Harper : What?

  Susan Harper : You're supposed to be washing up.

  Michael Harper : Oh, yeah... yeah... Erm... I'd love to, but I've just eaten. And, er, you've always told me don't go near water for at least an hour after eating.

• Ben : The, the... the thing is, Abi, er...

  Susan Harper : He's got some news!

  Ben : ...and, er...

  Susan Harper : You're not going to like it very much!

  Ben : Why don't you tell her?

  Susan Harper : No, no, no, no, no! I wouldn't dream of it! I'm not saying a word! My lips are sealed!

  Ben : Good. The thing is, Abi...

  Susan Harper : Your father's getting married again!

  Abi : What?

  Ben : Yes, he's getting married to...

  Susan Harper : ...to a woman named Gina Beresford!

  Abi : I don't believe it! Why does he keep doing this? I hate him! I hate him! I HATE HIM!

  Ben : [Looks at Susan angrily] 

  Susan Harper : Well, you made a complete hash of that!

• Susan Harper : Look, Abi, you're an adult now - theoretically - and your father is not your problem any more. He's Gina Beresford's problem.

  Abi : And that's my problem - we went to school together!

  Susan Harper : She's not your age?

  Abi : No. She's three years younger.

  Susan Harper : God! This is starting to sound like 'Emmerdale'!

  Abi : And I bet they're getting married next week!

  Susan Harper : How do you know?

  Abi : Half term.

  Susan Harper : That's it! I think I'm going to be sick!

• Susan Harper : Why do middle-aged men suddenly feel the need to run away from mature women?

  Ben : Because you eat our books?

• Ben : Susan, Susan! Stop! I love mature women! I lo- they're like a fine wine! A ripe cheese... I don't mean smelly, and I definitely don't mean you've got blue veins! OK?

  Susan Harper : What are you trying to say?

  Ben : What do you want me to say?

  Susan Harper : As little as possible!

• Ben : You - what? - can't order me to cancel a stag night! I am a best man! You're an ordinary woman! I outrank you!

  Susan Harper : I'm not ordering you to do it. I just won't respect you if you don't.

  Ben : You don't respect me, anyway!

• Nick : Emergency! Emergency! You've got to help! You've got to help! The strip club have sent the cake to the party and they've sent the stripper to a wake in Wokingham!

  Susan Harper : [Drunk and sarcastic]  Oh, so sorry to hear about that! Boo-hoo!

  Nick : I mean, if you can't trust a company called Sleazers Palace, who can you trust?