My Family (TV Series)

May the Best Man Win (2003)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : Richard, Richard, what are you doing? You can't leave yet.

  Richard : [chuckling]  I don't know how to put this... this is the worst stag party I've ever had. And I've had five. And one was in prison.

  Ben : Things are looking up. Made the Top 5.

• Roger : So, who is this man who's driven you to 4.96% alcohol?

  Ben : Abi's father.

  Roger : [Gasps]  My future father-in-law.

  Ben : Roger, you've not even asked the girl out yet.

  Roger : I'm just waiting for the right moment.

  Ben : Yes. They'll be opening Pig Airport before it's the right moment.

• Abi : [moodily]  Hello, Judith.

  Ben : Firstly, it's "Judas' and secondly, I am not betraying anyone.

• Ben : What are you doing?

  Roger : [Getting a tea bag out of a fish tank]  Making a cup of tea. Would you like one?

  Ben : Yes. Could I have mine in a cup?

• Roger : I wanted to make myself a cup of tea, but I didn't have any tea bags. Or milk. Or cups. Or a kettle. Or company. So, Ben, what's happening?

  Ben : You're leaving. I'm working. Goodbye.

• Ben : Don't tell me you're going to get married again?

  Richard : Not again. For the first time... in my heart.

  Roger : That is so beautiful!

  Ben : No, it is not! This man has charmed and manipulated his way in and out of everything in his life! And I, for one, am...

  Roger : Jealous?

• Susan Harper : You said yes?

  Ben : Of course I said yes! I've never been best man before! I've been third best man, I've been second best man, I've been substitute usher, but... ooh! This time, Susan, I am the best!

  Susan Harper : And all these years, I've just settled for you being adequate.

• Susan Harper : Didn't you hear about the last time someone told Abi her father was getting married?

  Ben : No?

  Susan Harper : You're familiar with the expression 'Shoot the messenger'?

  Ben : Yes?

  Susan Harper : Usually, it's a metaphor.

• Ben : The, the... the thing is, Abi, er...

  Susan Harper : He's got some news!

  Ben : ...and, er...

  Susan Harper : You're not going to like it very much!

  Ben : Why don't you tell her?

  Susan Harper : No, no, no, no, no! I wouldn't dream of it! I'm not saying a word! My lips are sealed!

  Ben : Good. The thing is, Abi...

  Susan Harper : Your father's getting married again!

  Abi : What?

  Ben : Yes, he's getting married to...

  Susan Harper : ...to a woman named Gina Beresford!

  Abi : I don't believe it! Why does he keep doing this? I hate him! I hate him! I HATE HIM!

  Ben : [Looks at Susan angrily] 

  Susan Harper : Well, you made a complete hash of that!

• Nick : So, someone finally asked you to be their best man!

  Ben : Yes! And I'm going to do it properly, OK? I'm gonna write the wedding speeches, I'm gonna co-ordinate with the ushers...

  Nick : Throw a really wild stag night?

  Ben : Yeah... Don't tell me - you've got a stag party planning business?

  Nick : As a matter of fact, I do! It's a start-up company starting... now! I call it Stagnation!

• Nick : The stag night is the groom's last glimpse of daylight before the lid is firmly screwed down. It's going to be wild, debauched, illegal...

  Ben : And let me guess - expensive?

  Nick : Now you're talking my language!

• Susan Harper : Why do middle-aged men suddenly feel the need to run away from mature women?

  Ben : Because you eat our books?

• Ben : Susan, Susan! Stop! I love mature women! I lo- they're like a fine wine! A ripe cheese... I don't mean smelly, and I definitely don't mean you've got blue veins! OK?

  Susan Harper : What are you trying to say?

  Ben : What do you want me to say?

  Susan Harper : As little as possible!

• Ben : You - what? - can't order me to cancel a stag night! I am a best man! You're an ordinary woman! I outrank you!

  Susan Harper : I'm not ordering you to do it. I just won't respect you if you don't.

  Ben : You don't respect me, anyway!

• Roger : Don't worry, Ben! If things slow down, I've always got my balloon animals!

  [Pulls out a balloon] 

  Roger : Can you guess what this will become?

  Ben : A rectal thermometer!