My Family (TV Series)
I Second That Emulsion (2001)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Ben : I sometimes wonder if Nick's all there. And then sadly I find... he is.
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Ben : [On seeing Nick taking his clothes off while making breakfast] Er, Nick... er, what are you doing?
Nick Harper : Just following the recipe. It's from 'The Naked Chef'.
Ben : Ah, see, erm... See, Nick, the... 'The Naked Chef' isn't actually naked, see? It's the name of the programme.
Nick Harper : Oh, I'm willing to go that extra mile!
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Ben : What in the name of Satan are you doing?
Nick Harper : Tuning the piano.
Ben : Why don't I go back upstairs, back to bed and hopefully when I wake up, you won't be tuning the piano?
Nick Harper : Hey! Carry on like that, dad, you'll wish your life away!
Ben : I've tried wishing, Nick. It doesn't work.
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Nick Harper : You see, I met this bloke in a pub and he sold me this piano tuning gear. Only £80! He said you could make a lot of money with this!
Ben : Well, he certainly has!
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Janey Harper : Look, dad! Look what Brian's done!
Ben : What? Oh, look! Knocked all the books off the shelf!
Susan Harper : No. He's fixed the shelf.
Ben : What? The shelf that I was going to fix?
Susan Harper : No. The shelf I asked you to fix two months ago, but you still haven't done anything about.
Ben : I was preparing!
Susan Harper : Ben, it's a shelf, not a round-the-world yacht race.
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Brian : You chosen a colour yet, Mrs P?
Susan Harper : Oh, I don't know. These things need a lot of careful thought.
Ben : Oh, I see! Choosing a colour needs a lot of careful thought, but fixing a shelf... er, what are you talking about? What colour?
Susan Harper : Surely you haven't forgotten?
Ben : Forgotten what? How can I forget something I never knew?
Susan Harper : Are you seriously suggesting I would go ahead and decorate the living room without consulting you?
Ben : What did I say?
Susan Harper : You said nothing.
Ben : I was asleep, wasn't I?
Susan Harper : Ben, I've got enough to do without checking whether you're awake or not.
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Ben : The living room is fine! You can sit in it, you can lie in it, you can watch telly in it, but it's... why change it?
Susan Harper : Because you've got to keep things fresh - like a marriage.
Ben : I don't want my marriage to be fresh!
Susan Harper : I said *a* marriage.
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Ben : Er, w-w-wait a minute. Have you been here all night?
Brian : No, I've been in Janey's bedroom.
Ben : Er, sorry... erm, Janey?
Brian : I've been in Janey's bedroom!
Ben : I know that. I... it's just that, er... I'm, I'm a bit, er... you know...
Brian : Deaf!
Ben : No. Er... what I'm trying to say is, er... have you been here all night?
Brian : Yes.
Ben : In Janey's bedroom?
Brian : Yes.
Ben : With Janey?
Brian : Hope so.
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Ben : Susan! Susan!
Susan Harper : Hmm?
Ben : Look, I don't want to worry you, but something rather disturbing has happened.
Susan Harper : You've made the tea, but you've forgotten to pour it into the cups.
Ben : It's understandable. I'm upset.
Susan Harper : What's happened now? Did the postman not push the letters all the way through again?
Ben : No. Stupid Brian has spent the night with Janey.
Susan Harper : What?
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Susan Harper : [Choosing paint colours] Come on, come on, come on, come on! We're down to the last five! Oatmeal, barley white, taupe, cream or ecru.
Ben : Susan, there is no discernible difference between any of them.
Susan Harper : Maybe not to your eye.
Ben : Look, they've just paid someone to come up with five different names for beige.
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Susan Harper : A battle isn't won until the last bullet is fired.
Ben : It is if you're first out of the trench and you get shot in the head!
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Nick Harper : Morning, guv'nor! What can I do you for?
Ben : Great Caesar's ghost!
Nick Harper : Hello, dad! What are you doing here?
Ben : I asked you first.
Nick Harper : No, you didn't.
Ben : You didn't tell me you were working here.
Nick Harper : Dad, if I told you every time I got a new job, I'd never have time to work!
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Ben : Why are you always turning me into the pompous fart?
Susan Harper : Because it's so easy!
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Ben : Come on! Come on! I know you're in there! Come on, hurry up, you useless idiot!
Mr. Travis : Excuse me?
Ben : [Expecting Nick] Oh... I'm sorry. I was expecting a useless idiot.
Mr. Travis : Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, sir!
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Ben : Sorry, er, where's Nick?
Mr. Travis : Hmm?
Ben : Nick. Nick Harper. The bloke working here yesterday.
Mr. Travis : I'm still not with you, sir.
Ben : Look, he sold me this revolting paint. He got the numbers wrong on the paint mixer and managed to produce something the colour of a meerkat's vomit.
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Ben : Look, I'd like my money back, please.
Mr. Travis : I don't think so, sir.
Ben : I'd like my money back.
Mr. Travis : I don't think so, sir.
Ben : Look, I... we could go on like this for some time. And whilst presumably you have better things to do, for me, I'd rather be here than be at home, actually.
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Mr. Travis : There was no Nick Harper working here yesterday.
Ben : Look... 6'2", reddish hair?
Mr. Travis : Oh! You mean Cliff Challenger!
Ben : Cliff Challenger?
Mr. Travis : Why didn't you say so before, sir?
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Mr. Travis : Oh, no, no, no! It couldn't have been Cliff who mixed you this paint. He's been our best worker ever!
Ben : He, er... what?
Mr. Travis : Yes! He's been promoted to head office in High Wycombe!
Ben : You're lying, aren't you?
Mr. Travis : Yes.
Ben : You know how I know you're lying?
Mr. Travis : No.
Ben : Because Cliff Challenger is my son. And I do know for a fact that his talents do not lie in the executive area.
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Brian : So, can I talk about Janey now?
Ben : No, please!
Brian : She's doing my nut in!
Ben : Yeah, well, welcome to the family!
Brian : She wants me to stay the night. And if I stay, I'm going to upset your missus. And if I don't, I'm going to upset Janey. Whatever I do, I'm going to upset somebody.
Ben : Welcome to the family!
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Susan Harper : [On picking a paint colour] I just can't take the stress. It's... it... it's too much trouble. And... and, you know, you haven't been too much help.
Ben : I haven't been mu... Listen, you! You listen to me! I've been back and forth to that paint shop no fewer than eight times, while you make up your mind between cuttlefish, salmon pink and squid! I've spent £600 on paint, £200 on Nick's staff discount, not to mention the small fortune it's going to cost to repair the piano! Stress? You don't know the meaning of the word! And now you've got the utter bloody gall to say I've been no help!
Susan Harper : [Pointing to Ben's angry face] That's it! That's the colour I want for the sitting room!
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Susan Harper : I don't want to turn into my mother.
Ben : *I* don't want you to turn into your mother!
Susan Harper : When I was Janey's age, my mother was never off my back telling me what to do. No wonder I rebelled.
Ben : You rebelled?
Susan Harper : Yes - I married you.
Ben : Well, that's great! At least I've got something to thank your mother for! I knew this was going to be a bad day!
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Susan Harper : [Spying on Janey and Brian's room] What do you think they're doing in there?
Ben : I don't know. I don't want to know. And thanks to you, I'm going to be wondering about it all day now!
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Janey Harper : [On seeing Brian open a can of bright pink paint] Are you sure that's the colour you wanted?
Ben : Looks like a tart's boudoir!
Susan Harper : Maybe it'll be completely different once it's up on the wall.
[Brian goes to off to paint the wall - paint is still bright pink]
Ben : Looks like a tart's boudoir!
Brian : I quite like it! It's like Janey's bedroom!
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Ben : Can you, for once, stop playing the kind and enlightened child of the Sixties?
Susan Harper : Well, I am!
Ben : No - you were. Hello? Wake up, hippy! Woodstock's over!
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Ben : Look, look... whatever my son has or hasn't done, I'd just like my money back for this paint, thank you.
Mr. Travis : Why? It's your fault!
Ben : What? What do you mean, my fault?
Mr. Travis : Well, you knew he was a complete idiot when you bought it!
Ben : Excuse me! My son is not an idiot!
[Mr Travis crosses his arms, disagreeing with Ben's remark]
Ben : Yeah, OK. How much do you want?
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[Ben is frustrated after Nick has tuned his piano to play one note]
Nick Harper : Pretty good, eh?
Ben : Nick, you've managed to tune the whole piano to play the same note!
Nick Harper : That's right. Middle C. Perfect!
Ben : What in the name of all the gods is the point of that?
Nick Harper : Well, what is the point of a sunset? What is the point of a snowflake? What is the point of a butterfly's wing?
Ben : You're right. What is the point?
