My Family (TV Series)

Get Cartier (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Harper : Hi mum.

  Ian : Hello, Mrs Harper.

  Susan Harper : Hello boys. Oh, boys, boys! Could you just take five minutes and help me look for something?

  Michael Harper : It's never five minutes.

  Ian : Of course, Mrs Harper. I'd love to help.

  Susan Harper : [Hugs Ian]  Oh, that some night-tripping fairy had exchanged! In cradle-clothes our children where they lay!

  Michael Harper : That's why nothing ever takes five minutes around here!

  Susan Harper : Please, boys! It's our anniversary in less than a week and I still haven't found what your father got me.

  Michael Harper : So why not wait?

  Susan Harper : What did he buy me last year? The Millennium Edition Dustbuster! And how about the year before that? A Breville sandwich maker!

  Ian : My mum's got one of those.

  Susan Harper : And ooh, lucky her!

  Michael Harper : So why don't we ever have sandwiches?

  Susan Harper : Because I exchanged it before he gave it to me, put the new gift where he hid the old one, and then on our anniversary, voila - I love my gift and he's either too forgetful or too embarrassed to say he got me something else and everybody's happy!

  Ian : Erm... I think I'll go home now!

• Susan Harper : Hello, dear! How was your day? Boring, hopeless or just plain crap?

  Ben Harper : Unnerving.

  Susan Harper : That's a new one!

• Susan Harper : [Seeing Ben eating a bowl of crisps]  Oh, don't eat that. You'll ruin your dinner.

  Ben Harper : I thought that was your job.

  Susan Harper : No. My job is to ruin your life.

• Ben Harper : I think there is something strange about this Mr Smith. You know what I think?

  Susan Harper : Something negative, I'm sure.

  Ben Harper : I think he's an underworld kingpin.

  Susan Harper : I win!

• Ben Harper : [about Mr Smith, whom he thinks is a gangster]  You know what he does for a living?

  Susan Harper : Whatever he does, he obviously does it well.

  Ben Harper : Dance. Organised dance and waste removal.

  Susan Harper : How delightfully bi-media!

  Ben Harper : Are you intentionally trying to avoid the obvious?

  Susan Harper : Yes, because the obvious is you're a paranoid old fart! And if I had to acknowledge that on a daily basis, I'd have to hire Mr Smith in to remove you! Haha! Janey, get off the phone and set the table!

  Ben Harper : Fine! Go on! Laugh! Laugh, until one morning you wake up with a horse's head in your bed!

  Susan Harper : I've been waking up with a horse's arse for years!

• Janey Harper : [Sees a stack of £50 notes]  Oh, pretty!

  Ben Harper : No, no, no! Get your hands off that, please!

  Susan Harper : It's been tainted by the mob!

  Janey Harper : Then we'd better get rid of it fast!

  Ben Harper : Funny. We said that the day you were born!

• [the family are not enjoying Susan's dinner] 

  Susan Harper : So, why is no one eating?

  Ben Harper : Well... we thought we'd let it breathe a bit more.

  Michael Harper : To bring out the bouquet.

  Janey Harper : I'd rather bring out the bin!

• Ben Harper : [after receiving a set of tyres from some mysterious men]  Susan, you don't understand! I'm telling you this is a gift from the mob!

  Nick Harper : What mob?

  Janey Harper : Dad's involved with the mob!

  Michael Harper : Yeah, right! What would the mob want dad for?

  Nick Harper : Target practice?

  [Everyone except Ben laughs] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, yes! Fine! Laugh! Go on, laugh - until I botch up a gangster's filling and mysteriously disappear!

  Susan Harper : At least I'll have the tyres to remember you by!

• Susan Harper : Ben, there is no mob!

  Michael Harper : Of course there's a mob! They control 6.3% of the world's economy through drug trafficking, gambling, diamond smuggling, real estate and prostitution.

  Nick Harper : Incredible. Are they taking on staff?

• Susan Harper : For God's sakes, why are you all afraid to try something new?

  Ben Harper : Experience!

  [Susan gives a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : ...teaches us that, er... you know, in many ways...

  Michael Harper : Should I help you, dad? It's just you're digging your own grave.

• Ben Harper : [Thinking that the mob sent him some tyres]  We're giving the tyres back and we're not mentioning it again! We do not accept favours from people like that!

  Susan Harper : Although I wouldn't mind something happening to those ugly garden gnomes next door.

  Michael Harper : I like the Baxters.

  Susan Harper : Not the family! The gnomes!

• [At night, Ben and Susan are awoken by the sound of a van dropping off an item at their doorstep before driving off] 

  Susan Harper : Did you hear something?

  Ben Harper : Yep.

  Susan Harper : Are you going to do anything?

  Ben Harper : Yeah. Goodnight.

• Susan Harper : Your patient left a large box of meat on our door.

  Ben Harper : [Looking frightened]  Meat? What do you mean, meat?

  Susan Harper : The usual: chops, fillets, mince...

  Ben Harper : Oh, my God! What are we supposed to do now?

  Susan Harper : I was thinking shepherd's pie!

• Ben Harper : If we accept gifts from them, they'll own me for life!

  Susan Harper : Trust me, after two-and-a-half weeks, they'll want to give you back!

• Ben Harper : I thought you were a decapitated horse!

  Nick Harper : No. I just feel like one! Cut down in my prime!

  Susan Harper : Oh, Nicky! What happened?

  Nick Harper : Melinda wants to get married and settle down.

  Susan Harper : Oh, that's wonderful!

  Ben Harper : So, you'll be moving out?

  Nick Harper : Yeah, but she wants to marry someone else!

  Ben Harper : Ah. So, you'll be moving out?

  Nick Harper : She says she loves me, but I show no signs of growth!

  Susan Harper : You show no signs of growth? Ridiculous!

  Nick Harper : [Cries and hugs Susan]  Mummy!

  Ben Harper : So, *I'll* be moving out!

  Susan Harper : Look, the first thing you should do is to get a good night's sleep.

  Ben Harper : In your own bed!

  Susan Harper : Then first thing in the morning, you call Melinda, tell her you recognise her concerns, but you're ready and willing to change.

  Nick Harper : But I don't want to change! I like who I am! I want *her* to change!

  Susan Harper : Now you're sounding like a baby!

  Nick Harper : And is that a crime? Don't babies deserve a little happiness? I mean, what else is youth for?

  Ben Harper : May I say something?

  Nick Harper : Sympathetic or harsh?

  Ben Harper : I don't... let's see what comes out, shall we? Stop whining! It's pathetic!

  Nick Harper : I hope that was the harsh part!

• Susan Harper : Enough is enough! I'm not having my children fencing auto parts and meat by-products out of my living room!

  Michael Harper : Look, mum, if you want a piece of the action, just ask!

  Susan Harper : And if you want to see puberty, just stop!

• Susan Harper : Ben, you were wrong about your patient and his gifts. You never should have accepted them.

  Ben Harper : Me?

  Susan Harper : Well, I'm certainly not dentist to the mob.

  Ben Harper : Oh, no, no, no! No, no! You're not blaming this on me! Huh! Come on! You're the one who thought it was funny!

  Susan Harper : I also thought children would be fun - whoops!

• Susan Harper : You have to tell Mr Smith now: "Enough now. It's done. It's over."

  Ben Harper : No, I can't.

  Susan Harper : Why not?

  Ben Harper : They'd see it as a slight.

  Susan Harper : Gosh! Big bad gangsters feel a slight, while our own children - our own dear children - are sucked into a downward spiral of vice and dissipation! Can you think of anything worse than that?

  Ben Harper : Yes - me, in a shallow grave in Epping Forest!

• Ben Harper : Ah, Susan. You're home.

  Susan Harper : I know.

  Ben Harper : I was out running some errands.

  Susan Harper : I know.

  Ben Harper : You know?

  Susan Harper : Yes. The jewellers called.

  Ben Harper : [Nervous]  They did?

  Susan Harper : Apparently, Cartier's won't engrave a counterfeit Cartier watch.

  Ben Harper : [Feigning shock]  Counterfeit? They said the watch was counterfeit?

  Susan Harper : Yes. They also said you were in buying a new one. You little sweetheart!