My Family (TV Series)

Get Cartier (2001)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Ben Harper : Of course, the key question is have you ever had any actual experience as a dental assistant?

  James : Three years at UCH, two years at Guy's. It's all on the CV.

  Ben Harper : What about any interesting facts that didn't quite make it to your little CV?

  James : Excuse me?

  Ben Harper : Any quirks or habits, huh? Do you suddenly burst out singing whenever there's a song in your heart? Or forget to come to work because your chakra's out of line, or perhaps you're into puppetry, hnh? Give little shows in the waiting room with the dentures as my last assistant did?

  James : No, Mr Harper. I'm dedicated and very hard working. Because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is knowing you did your best.

  Ben Harper : Knowing you've done your b... Yes. Yeah, it's... well, I usually settle for a whisky and a lie-down, but, er... very good. Well, I'm quite impressed, Mr...

  James : James.

  Ben Harper : James. James...

  James : No, just James. Like Madonna. Or Satan.

• Ben Harper : You know, the problem with being married so long is that every year, there's another anniversary. It's alright in the beginning - you can start off with gifts like jewellery and perfume. But, erm, as the years go by, you have to come up with something bigger and more original. Mmm. This year, I'm getting a set of tyres. Steel belted, of course.

• Ben Harper : For some reason, only known to an ill-tempered and pitiless God, the agency only sends me the halt and the lame. I sometimes think that the entire labour force comes from Lourdes.

• Ben Harper : What do you think?

  Mr. Smith : Ah, these teeth look more real than my real ones! You, sir, are a true artist!

  Ben Harper : Oh, that's... very nice! Actually, not many patients appreciate the handiwork that goes into a set of dentures.

  Mr. Smith : Well, I do! I think you're the Michelangelo of the molar!

  Ben Harper : Please! You don't have to say that!

  Mr. Smith : No, I mean it! These aren't just false teeth. They're 28 individually sculpted masterpieces! Each one the same, but in some subtle way different!

  Ben Harper : Different? Oh, well... only doing my job!

  Mr. Smith : Oh, come on! Don't you know how to take a compliment?

  Ben Harper : I don't know - this is my first one!

• Susan Harper : Hello, dear! How was your day? Boring, hopeless or just plain crap?

  Ben Harper : Unnerving.

  Susan Harper : That's a new one!

• Ben Harper : Er, sorry, w-what's this?

  Mr. Smith : [Hands him a wad of cash]  Your fee.

  Ben Harper : My fee? No, no, no, no, no! Hahahaha! Some mistake. Erm, let me explain the system: you see, I do the best work I know how and then before I get that, the NHS sends me forms to fill in, and then make me wait half a year, and then I get that if I'm lucky.

  Mr. Smith : This is your lucky day - because I paid cash! And I'm going to be sending you a lot more business! You see, the boys who work for me have been asking about a dental plan. And we bloody well need it considering the number of teeth that get broken in our line of work!

  Ben Harper : [Looking worried]  Er, w-what line of business is that?

  Mr. Smith : Er... dance.

  Ben Harper : Dance?

  Mr. Smith : Organised dance and waste removal.

• Susan Harper : [Seeing Ben eating a bowl of crisps]  Oh, don't eat that. You'll ruin your dinner.

  Ben Harper : I thought that was your job.

  Susan Harper : No. My job is to ruin your life.

• Ben Harper : I think there is something strange about this Mr Smith. You know what I think?

  Susan Harper : Something negative, I'm sure.

  Ben Harper : I think he's an underworld kingpin.

  Susan Harper : I win!

• Ben Harper : [about Mr Smith, whom he thinks is a gangster]  You know what he does for a living?

  Susan Harper : Whatever he does, he obviously does it well.

  Ben Harper : Dance. Organised dance and waste removal.

  Susan Harper : How delightfully bi-media!

  Ben Harper : Are you intentionally trying to avoid the obvious?

  Susan Harper : Yes, because the obvious is you're a paranoid old fart! And if I had to acknowledge that on a daily basis, I'd have to hire Mr Smith in to remove you! Haha! Janey, get off the phone and set the table!

  Ben Harper : Fine! Go on! Laugh! Laugh, until one morning you wake up with a horse's head in your bed!

  Susan Harper : I've been waking up with a horse's arse for years!

• Janey Harper : And could you not wear that any more?

  Ben Harper : What, me? What, the T-shirt? I love this T-shirt.

  Janey Harper : Er, you can see your nipples and it makes me sick!

• Janey Harper : [Sees a stack of £50 notes]  Oh, pretty!

  Ben Harper : No, no, no! Get your hands off that, please!

  Susan Harper : It's been tainted by the mob!

  Janey Harper : Then we'd better get rid of it fast!

  Ben Harper : Funny. We said that the day you were born!

• [the family are not enjoying Susan's dinner] 

  Susan Harper : So, why is no one eating?

  Ben Harper : Well... we thought we'd let it breathe a bit more.

  Michael Harper : To bring out the bouquet.

  Janey Harper : I'd rather bring out the bin!

• Ben Harper : [after receiving a set of tyres from some mysterious men]  Susan, you don't understand! I'm telling you this is a gift from the mob!

  Nick Harper : What mob?

  Janey Harper : Dad's involved with the mob!

  Michael Harper : Yeah, right! What would the mob want dad for?

  Nick Harper : Target practice?

  [Everyone except Ben laughs] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, yes! Fine! Laugh! Go on, laugh - until I botch up a gangster's filling and mysteriously disappear!

  Susan Harper : At least I'll have the tyres to remember you by!

• Susan Harper : For God's sakes, why are you all afraid to try something new?

  Ben Harper : Experience!

  [Susan gives a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : ...teaches us that, er... you know, in many ways...

  Michael Harper : Should I help you, dad? It's just you're digging your own grave.

• Ben Harper : [Thinking that the mob sent him some tyres]  We're giving the tyres back and we're not mentioning it again! We do not accept favours from people like that!

  Susan Harper : Although I wouldn't mind something happening to those ugly garden gnomes next door.

  Michael Harper : I like the Baxters.

  Susan Harper : Not the family! The gnomes!

• Ben Harper : We are the Harpers! Everything we have - the clothes on our back, the food on the table - is made from the sweat of our brow!

  Janey Harper : So that explains the risotto!

• [At night, Ben and Susan are awoken by the sound of a van dropping off an item at their doorstep before driving off] 

  Susan Harper : Did you hear something?

  Ben Harper : Yep.

  Susan Harper : Are you going to do anything?

  Ben Harper : Yeah. Goodnight.

• Susan Harper : Your patient left a large box of meat on our door.

  Ben Harper : [Looking frightened]  Meat? What do you mean, meat?

  Susan Harper : The usual: chops, fillets, mince...

  Ben Harper : Oh, my God! What are we supposed to do now?

  Susan Harper : I was thinking shepherd's pie!

• Ben Harper : If we accept gifts from them, they'll own me for life!

  Susan Harper : Trust me, after two-and-a-half weeks, they'll want to give you back!

• Ben Harper : I thought you were a decapitated horse!

  Nick Harper : No. I just feel like one! Cut down in my prime!

  Susan Harper : Oh, Nicky! What happened?

  Nick Harper : Melinda wants to get married and settle down.

  Susan Harper : Oh, that's wonderful!

  Ben Harper : So, you'll be moving out?

  Nick Harper : Yeah, but she wants to marry someone else!

  Ben Harper : Ah. So, you'll be moving out?

  Nick Harper : She says she loves me, but I show no signs of growth!

  Susan Harper : You show no signs of growth? Ridiculous!

  Nick Harper : [Cries and hugs Susan]  Mummy!

  Ben Harper : So, *I'll* be moving out!

  Susan Harper : Look, the first thing you should do is to get a good night's sleep.

  Ben Harper : In your own bed!

  Susan Harper : Then first thing in the morning, you call Melinda, tell her you recognise her concerns, but you're ready and willing to change.

  Nick Harper : But I don't want to change! I like who I am! I want *her* to change!

  Susan Harper : Now you're sounding like a baby!

  Nick Harper : And is that a crime? Don't babies deserve a little happiness? I mean, what else is youth for?

  Ben Harper : May I say something?

  Nick Harper : Sympathetic or harsh?

  Ben Harper : I don't... let's see what comes out, shall we? Stop whining! It's pathetic!

  Nick Harper : I hope that was the harsh part!

• Mooo : A little gift from my uncle to say thank you for hiring me.

  Ben Harper : Hire... no. Look, Mr Mooo, erm... no more gifts, alright? And as you're now my assistant, I would like you to assist me in taking this and the, erm... tyres and the 40lbs of meat back to your uncle.

  Mooo : And hurt his feelings? No way!

  Ben Harper : No, no, no, no! He... he won't be offended.

  Mooo : Tell that to the last bloke that returned one of his gifts. Oh, wait - you can't!

• Susan Harper : Ben, you were wrong about your patient and his gifts. You never should have accepted them.

  Ben Harper : Me?

  Susan Harper : Well, I'm certainly not dentist to the mob.

  Ben Harper : Oh, no, no, no! No, no! You're not blaming this on me! Huh! Come on! You're the one who thought it was funny!

  Susan Harper : I also thought children would be fun - whoops!

• Ben Harper : Am I right in assuming you're not Mrs Shapiro, my nine o'clock?

  [Mooo gives a thumbs up] 

  Ben Harper : And, er, would I be right in assuming that the doors had in fact at one point been locked?

  Mooo : Oh, well, you could use better ones - like a deadbolt or a double latch. And the one round the back's no use at all - er... at least, not any more.

  Ben Harper : Why do I get the feeling you're an associate of Mr Smith?

  Mooo : He's my uncle.

  Ben Harper : He's, ah... family.

  Mooo : I'm his nephew, Mooo.

  Ben Harper : Mooo? Mooo, as in cute little milk cow?

  Mooo : Mooo, as in "Mooo' your bloody arse!"

• Susan Harper : You have to tell Mr Smith now: "Enough now. It's done. It's over."

  Ben Harper : No, I can't.

  Susan Harper : Why not?

  Ben Harper : They'd see it as a slight.

  Susan Harper : Gosh! Big bad gangsters feel a slight, while our own children - our own dear children - are sucked into a downward spiral of vice and dissipation! Can you think of anything worse than that?

  Ben Harper : Yes - me, in a shallow grave in Epping Forest!

• Ben Harper : I want to return the gifts.

  Mr. Smith : All of them?

  Ben Harper : Hmm.

  Mr. Smith : As if nothing ever existed between us?

  Ben Harper : Look, don't get me wrong. I... I never meant for any of this to happen.

  Mr. Smith : [Sarcastically]  Oh, that's original!

  Ben Harper : Look... I don't want to hurt you, Mr Smith - and God knows, I don't want you to hurt me either...

  Mr. Smith : Forget the tyres. Just give me back the watch.

  Ben Harper : Fine. Oh, that's wonderful. You'll have it back straight away.

  Mr. Smith : And don't bother with the meat. It was a little past its best when we found it.

• Nick Harper : I'm in Hell, dad.

  Ben Harper : Welcome to the club!

  Nick Harper : I'm in love with someone who's ruining my life.

  Ben Harper : Welcome to the club!

  Nick Harper : Dad, any club rules?

  Ben Harper : Yep, one. If it hurts or its embarrassing, shut up - no one wants to hear about it!

• Nick Harper : [Crying]  I love her, dad! I didn't think I'd care, but now I do! And I want her back, but I don't want to change and I don't want to lose her! I never thought I could love another person as much as I love me!

  Ben Harper : [Also emotional]  Yeah. I know. It's the same with me. I, erm... Mr Smith gave me a £2,000 watch and, erm... he wants it back, right? But your mother found it in the chest and she thinks I... bought if for her, when in fact I really bought her a fire extinguisher, which... one day, might save her life! And, erm... now my life's in danger because I can't give Mr Smith a £2,000 watch back and I just don't know what to do!

  Nick Harper : [Indifferently]  Dad, please! Club rules? Although, I do have an idea that could help you. Why don't you just ask mum for the watch back?

  Ben Harper : You really don't understand women at all, do you?

  Nick Harper : That's what I've just been trying to tell you! OK, alright. Plan B: what you do is you set the house on fire and when everyone runs away, you grab the watch!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, but everybody could get killed.

  Nick Harper : That's the brilliant idea! Mum will really appreciate that fire extinguisher!

  Ben Harper : Yeeeeee... no, forget it! Your mother's got the watch, your mother's going to keep the watch.

  Nick Harper : But aren't you afraid the mob would break your legs?

  Ben Harper : That's nothing compared to what your mother would break!

• Ben Harper : [Seeing Nick make out with a mystery woman]  Hello, Melinda. Glad things worked out.

  Young Woman : [Stops kissing Nick]  Who's Melinda?

  Nick Harper : [pause]  It's my middle name!

  [They resume making out] 

• Ben Harper : Ah, Susan. You're home.

  Susan Harper : I know.

  Ben Harper : I was out running some errands.

  Susan Harper : I know.

  Ben Harper : You know?

  Susan Harper : Yes. The jewellers called.

  Ben Harper : [Nervous]  They did?

  Susan Harper : Apparently, Cartier's won't engrave a counterfeit Cartier watch.

  Ben Harper : [Feigning shock]  Counterfeit? They said the watch was counterfeit?

  Susan Harper : Yes. They also said you were in buying a new one. You little sweetheart!

• [Last lines - Ben writes a cheque to buy back from Mr Smith the Cartier he initially bought from Cartier] 

  Ben Harper : Two thousand, five hundred and sixty...

  Mr. Smith : Five.

  Ben Harper : ...five pounds.

  Mr. Smith : [Hands him the watch after Ben gives him the cheque]  You're a very good husband.

  Ben Harper : I... hope this one's real.

  Mr. Smith : Do I look like a crook?