My Family (TV Series)

Get Cartier (2001)

Michael Attwell: Mr. Smith

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : What do you think?

  Mr. Smith : Ah, these teeth look more real than my real ones! You, sir, are a true artist!

  Ben Harper : Oh, that's... very nice! Actually, not many patients appreciate the handiwork that goes into a set of dentures.

  Mr. Smith : Well, I do! I think you're the Michelangelo of the molar!

  Ben Harper : Please! You don't have to say that!

  Mr. Smith : No, I mean it! These aren't just false teeth. They're 28 individually sculpted masterpieces! Each one the same, but in some subtle way different!

  Ben Harper : Different? Oh, well... only doing my job!

  Mr. Smith : Oh, come on! Don't you know how to take a compliment?

  Ben Harper : I don't know - this is my first one!

• Ben Harper : Er, sorry, w-what's this?

  Mr. Smith : [Hands him a wad of cash]  Your fee.

  Ben Harper : My fee? No, no, no, no, no! Hahahaha! Some mistake. Erm, let me explain the system: you see, I do the best work I know how and then before I get that, the NHS sends me forms to fill in, and then make me wait half a year, and then I get that if I'm lucky.

  Mr. Smith : This is your lucky day - because I paid cash! And I'm going to be sending you a lot more business! You see, the boys who work for me have been asking about a dental plan. And we bloody well need it considering the number of teeth that get broken in our line of work!

  Ben Harper : [Looking worried]  Er, w-what line of business is that?

  Mr. Smith : Er... dance.

  Ben Harper : Dance?

  Mr. Smith : Organised dance and waste removal.

• Ben Harper : I want to return the gifts.

  Mr. Smith : All of them?

  Ben Harper : Hmm.

  Mr. Smith : As if nothing ever existed between us?

  Ben Harper : Look, don't get me wrong. I... I never meant for any of this to happen.

  Mr. Smith : [Sarcastically]  Oh, that's original!

  Ben Harper : Look... I don't want to hurt you, Mr Smith - and God knows, I don't want you to hurt me either...

  Mr. Smith : Forget the tyres. Just give me back the watch.

  Ben Harper : Fine. Oh, that's wonderful. You'll have it back straight away.

  Mr. Smith : And don't bother with the meat. It was a little past its best when we found it.

• [Last lines - Ben writes a cheque to buy back from Mr Smith the Cartier he initially bought from Cartier] 

  Ben Harper : Two thousand, five hundred and sixty...

  Mr. Smith : Five.

  Ben Harper : ...five pounds.

  Mr. Smith : [Hands him the watch after Ben gives him the cheque]  You're a very good husband.

  Ben Harper : I... hope this one's real.

  Mr. Smith : Do I look like a crook?