My Family (TV Series)

Farewell to Alarms (2000)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan : [after waking Ben up]  Ben, this is serious. I heard a noise, but the alarm didn't go off.

  Ben : There's probably a very good reason for that.

  Susan : Maybe the thief knew how to bypass the system.

  Ben : Maybe it's because I turned it off.

  Susan : You turned off the alarm and jeopardized your family?

  Ben : That is correct, yes.

  Susan : Go and turn it back on.

  Ben : No. If that alarm goes off again, I'll be arrested.

  Susan : Oh Ben, I can't sleep knowing the alarm's off... neither can you.

  Ben : I'll manage.

  Susan : [pointedly]  Neither can you.

• [after yet another night of the alarm waking everyone several times, Susan is on the phone to the alarm company] 

  Susan : They say it's there for our protection.

  Ben : Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin.

• Ben : Susan! Who wears the trousers in this family?

  Susan : You do. Only I get to choose which ones you wear.

• Brigitte : Hello, Mrs Harper.

  Ben : Oh my God, she knows where I live.

  Susan : Hello.

  Brigitte : I don't mean to disturb your evening, but I wanted to give you these large blue stones.

  Susan : Oh, but we haven't got you anything.

  Brigitte : They're Tibetan cleansing stones, part of the Feng Shui ritual.

  Susan : Is there something special I should do with these?

  Ben : Hit her with them.

  Brigitte : Your husband, I'm afraid to tell you, is like a toxic river.

  Susan : Yes, I get a lot of that.

  Brigitte : It needs to be dammed up; placing these rocks outside the door might block the negative flow.

  Susan : Do you think two stones is going to be enough? We may need an entire wall.

  Brigitte : I know. I've got more in the van, shall I go and get them?

  Susan : Oh, we couldn't possibly.

  Brigitte : Don't worry, I bought in bulk.

• Brigitte McKay : Someone has stolen my van!

  Susan : Oh, that's awful.

  Ben : Oh no, I... Are you sure?

  Brigitte McKay : You don't just misplace a 1974 psychedelic lime green van with a portrait of Bob the Builder on the front.

  Ben : Although God knows you must try.

• Ben : How was your day?

  Susan : Fine. Until a man in my tour group had his pocket picked in the Houses of Parliament.

  Ben : That'll teach you to take them to high crime areas!

• Susan : [Doorbell rings]  Someone get that.

  Ben : You get it - you're taller!

  Nick Harper : You get it - you're older!

  Ben : I'll stop the cheque!

  Nick Harper : Yeah, I'm frightened!

  Ben : When I was a boy, 70p meant something!

  Nick Harper : Yeah! You could buy yourself out of the Dragoons!

• Susan : I remember a time when you could go out day or night without fear of what would happen to your home.

  Ben : Mmm... and then we had children.

• Ben : [laughing]  So, we don't even need this alarm!

  Susan : [laughing]  Of course we do!

  Ben : [Slowly stops laughing]  Are we still laughing at the same joke here?

  Susan : If the joke is we're still getting an alarm, then the answer's yes.

  Ben : Yeah, but the... the thing was it wasn't stolen, so we don't need the alarm.

  Susan : But it could've been stolen.

  Ben : Yeah, I know, but the point is it wasn't.

  Susan : But the point is if it could have been.

  Ben : Alright! Fine! Fine! Alright, well, can't we just agree to disagree?

  Susan : Agreed. I disagree!

• Susan : This is ridiculous. We're getting an alarm.

  Ben : Wouldn't it be cheaper to get rid of Nick?

• Mitch : Look, the last thing I want to do is scare you, but this place is a death-trap!

  Susan : You're not serious?

  Mitch : I am always serious, Mrs Harper!

  Ben : We have lived here for eight years! The only thing that's ever died in this house are my hopes and aspirations!

• Susan : We're supposed to select a numbered code that will be easy to remember. Any suggestions?

  Janey Harper : 13.2.74 - Robbie Williams' birthday!

  Michael Harper : I'm not remembering Robbie Williams' birthday because you've got a crush on him!

  Janey Harper : It's not a crush! It's real!

• Police Officer : Alarms aren't toys, Mrs Harper! We barely have the manpower to handle real crimes!

  Susan : I assure you we won't be troubling you again.

  Police Officer : Your neighbours are complaining it goes off at all times during the night.

  Susan : We don't complain about their garden gnomes!

  Police Officer : But they don't make a noise.

  Susan : Oh, please! They positively scream bad taste!