- Susan: I have watched football with you! I have watched golf! I've been to dental conventions and sat through lectures entitled 'Gingivitis: The Forgotten Plague' and I have never complained! Do you know why?
- Ben: So? So you can throw it in my face at moments like these?
- Susan: Because love means sacrifice!
- Ben: Fine!
- [Plays two seconds of Don Giovanni]
- Ben: Too big a sacrifice!
- Ben: [Holds up vinyl of Don Giovanni] Your mother wants me to waste three hours of my life by listening... to that!
- Nick: So, why don't you? Can't be any worse than doing that.
- [Pointing to Ben's bills and laptop]
- Nick: You see, the way I see it, dad, is we're all going to screw up whatever we do. So, why don't we screw up on the side of "Hey, why the hell not?"
- Ben: You know what really frightens me is you're almost making sense!
- Ben: [about her date] Hi, Janey. Hey, hold on! How'd it go?
- Janey: It was fine, dad. Really fine. No... it was more than fine. It was brilliant, OK? In fact, it was so brilliant, I think you should give up dentistry and start up your own dating agency, OK? Now stop grilling me and leave me alone!
- Ben: [pause, then to himself] She makes opera sound rational!
- Susan Harper: Ben. Ben. Ben! Are you sleeping?
- Ben: Mmh-hmm.
- Susan Harper: Are you planning on sleeping long?
- Ben: Mmh-hmm.
- Susan Harper: How much longer you planning on sleeping?
- Ben: [sits up] What? What is it? What do you want to tell me, Susan?
- Susan Harper: OK. It's nothing. You're clearly in a state.
- Ben: Ah. What sort of state is that, exactly? Clearly not the state of sleep, clearly not the state of peace and tranquillity which I will obviously not attain until I'm in a state of death.
- Susan Harper: I'm not talking to you when you're in a mood.
- Ben: Thank you.
- [goes back to sleep]
- Susan Harper: Even though that Whitten boy tried to assault our daughter.
- Ben: [sits bolt upright, looking furious] What?
- Susan Harper: In the back of his father's jag.
- Susan Harper: She's fine though.
- Ben: That's what you think, is it? No, Susan this is droit de seigneur.
- Susan Harper: Excuse me?
- Ben: Droit de seigneur, as in Don Giovanni when the lord of the manor had the right to take the virginity of any maiden in the realm.
- Susan Harper: You've been listening to Don Giovanni.
- Ben: I... No, I haven't actually; I... it's common knowledge, isn't it.
- Susan Harper: No it isn't. Oh, you're so sweet.
- Ben: I'm not sweet, I'm a father, I'm incensed.
- Susan Harper: Ben, Ben, please don't make a scene.
- Ben: Oh, damned right I'll make a scene. A boy tries to assault my daughter, the little snot.
- Susan Harper: She feels she's already handled it.
- Ben: I don't care what she thinks she thinks. I'm her father; I know what she thinks.
- Susan Harper: You can't say or do anything, because if you do Janey'll know I told you.
- Ben: But you just did.
- Susan Harper: But you're not supposed to know.
- Ben: Then why did you tell me?
- Susan Harper: Because I couldn't sleep.
- Ben: Neither can I now.
- Susan Harper: But I feel a lot better.
- Ben: Girls mature very quickly, and boys don't mature at all. So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains, a big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do. Am I making myself clear?
- Janey: Disgustingly so.
- Ben: So, you understand what I'm saying?
- Janey: What... what I don't understand is how mum could tell you after I told her not to! This is not your problem, Dad!
- Ben: Yes, but you *are* my problem. You see, you've been this bewildering, complex little problem for 16 years, and I don't think I'm going to solve you, my darling.
- Susan: Come on, it's just us girls, so tell.
- Janey: Nothing to tell.
- Susan: All right, OK; I was just curious, you know. I'm here, you're here, no pressure. Whenever you want to talk.
- [Susan reads the newspaper]
- Susan: Oh for God's sake. The only reason why I had a daughter was to have these intimate moments. Give me something.
- Janey: OK, well, what do you want to hear? That dinner was nice, the movie was OK; oh, and he was a great kisser until he wouldn't stop.
- Susan: Stop kissing?
- Janey: What do you think?
- Susan: Oh my God.
- Janey: Oh, please mum. It's not an 'oh my God'; it could have been but it wasn't.
- Susan: What did you do?
- Janey: Well, he didn't understand the word no, so I used international sign language - heel palm to the jaw! We learnt it in PE.
- Susan: Good Lord, all we learnt in PE was how to climb a rope.
- Janey: What, in case the Vikings attacked?
- Ben: So, that's what you are now, is it? An artist?
- Nick: Yeah. Do you think there's an afterlife, Dad?
- Ben: God, I hope not.
- Nick: Because I had this dream last night that Leonardo da Vinci himself popped in and said "Nick, mate, I have two words for you: nude models."
- Ben: [Sarcastically] *The* Leonardo? That is amazing! And those were his very words? "Nick, mate: nude models"?
- Nick: Actually, it was "Cara Nico, due perole: modelle nude!"
- Susan: Have you ever been disappointed when I've said trust me?
- Ben: Well, let's see. There's the truffles that turned out to be toadstools; there's the shortcut through the safari park, and there's the ever famous 'my parents won't be home for hours'.
- Susan: You *do* bear a grudge.
- Ben: I also bear scars.
- Susan Harper: I remember all the feelings I had when I was first going out. The thrill of the chase. What they kissed like. How I felt when I touched them...
- Janey: Mum!
- Nick: Oh, God!
- Michael Harper: I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life!
- Susan Harper: It's just sex, boys!
- Brigitte McKay: Do you know who that is?
- Ben: No. In the chair, Brigitte? I don't, actually, no. One minute, I turn my back. The next minute, there he was - bang! Sprung up like a fungus! That's how I get all my patients.
- Brigitte McKay: He is Lord Whitten, champion of organic farmers everywhere.
- Ben: ...whereas to me, he's simply "lost filling with a receding gum line and breath that could kill a horse".
- Lord Whitten: Kind of your assistant to fit me in at such short notice.
- Ben: Mmmhmm.
- Lord Whitten: Very efficient young girl, there.
- Ben: Really? Did you give him novocaine or gas?
- Lord Whitten: You see, we've been up in London for this soiree thrown by the missus and I lost a filling in a devilled egg. Undoubtedly from a battery hen. They get depressed in cages, you see, and lay eggs like rocks. So, I call around for assistance and you came up highly recommended.
- Ben: Really? Well, it's always gratifying to be recognised in one's field.
- Lord Whitten: Yes - just around the corner and cheap!
- Ben: How very flattering...
- Lord Whitten: Just because I have a title, doesn't mean I'm made of money! Everyone always asking for something! Snivelling little vultures - do you know what I mean?
- Ben: I know what you mean - I've got three children!
- Brigitte McKay: Can I just say, Lord Whitten, that I was deeply, deeply moved by your pamphlet on the recycling of faecal waste?
- Lord Whitten: Really?
- Brigitte McKay: Yeah.
- Lord Whitten: Now, you see, *this* is the sort of girl my son should be meeting! Solid! Natural!
- Ben: Are we still talking faecal waste?
- Brigitte McKay: Mr Harper has a daughter!
- Ben: No, I don't!
- Brigitte McKay: Yes, you do! Janey's charming!
- Ben: You don't live with her!
- Lord Whitten: Is she a normal teenage girl?
- Ben: That's a contradiction in terms.
- Lord Whitten: No, no, no... I mean, I mean... er, d-does she have a pierced eyelid?
- Ben: No.
- Lord Whitten: Does she have nails in her neck?
- Ben: Er... not yet.
- Lord Whitten: And has she clipped her personal topiary into the shape of a duck?
- Ben: Erm... I just hope I never find out!
- Michael Harper: So, what's that?
- Susan: [Holding a vinyl record] This is Don Giovanni, one of the greatest operas of all time.
- Michael Harper: No, that - with a hole in the middle.
- Susan: [pause] I just felt myself age 50 years!
- Susan: Did you father say when he was coming home?
- Janey: Hopefully never.
- Susan: Don't be rude.
- Janey: Oh, so sorry, mum. Daddy didn't say when he was coming home - he was too busy mucking up my puking life!
- Susan: Much better!
- Janey: You know, you might not find this whole thing so sweet when I jump off Tower Bridge and my pathetic, lifeless body gets swept out to sea!
- Susan: Don't be so dramatic, dear. While the Thames is an estuary, your pathetically lifeless body will probably be swept only as far as Barking... which I believe lacks some of the romance you'd want!
- [Nick jumps on the sofa with a copy of Hello!]
- Janey: Isn't there another room you can go to?
- Nick: I'm not bothering you!
- Janey: You're in my line of sight!
- Nick: Don't take it out on me just because dad has to find you dates!
- Janey: I don't need anyone to find me a date! Especially with some pseudo-posh git who I'm supposed to drool over just because his dad's Lord Whitebum or something!
- Nick: [Reading Hello!] You mean, Lord Whitten? Enjoying a joke with his lovely wife Serena and their family at Crufts.
- Janey: What have you got there?
- Nick: There's a picture of all of them in Hello!
- Janey: Yeah, right!
- [Snatches the magazine off Nick to see the family picture]
- Nick: Oi!
- Janey: Oh my God! That's his son? He's absolutely gorgeous!
- Susan: You haven't been to the opera in 20 years!
- Ben: Ah, well... perhaps that's a clue.
- Susan: But it's Don Giovanni, your favourite!
- Ben: My favourite? I've never heard Don Giovanni!
- Susan: Well, maybe if you did, it would be!
- Ben: Susan, I hate the opera. I can't stand it. It's always in Italian or... or even worse - German!
- Ben: I haven't got a chip on my shoulder! I'm trying to keep this family afloat amidst a sea of bureaucratic piranhas!
- Nick: We're all behind you, old man!
- Ben: No, you're not. You're trying to drive me mad - you with your painting, your mother with her opera...
- Nick: Hey, it's like we're a renaissance family!
- Ben: Yeah - the Borgias!
- Nick: [Holds a carton of milk] Has this gone off? It's two days beyond the sell-by date.
- Susan: I don't know, dear. Smell it.
- Nick: But what if it smells bad? Then I'd get a bad smell in my nose.
- Susan: Life is such a veil of tears. Don't put it back! Do you think the rest of us want it if it's off?
- Nick: Well, should I throw it out?
- Susan: Not if it's still OK.
- Nick: You give such mixed signals, mother!
- Brigitte McKay: You're never going to guess who's in the waiting room.
- Ben: Correct.
- Brigitte McKay: Well, if you're not going to try, I'm not going to tell you.
- Ben: Good.
- Brigitte McKay: Lord Whitten's son.
- Ben: [Stands up slowly, angry on realising the same guy might have assaulted Janey] What?
- Brigitte McKay: Apparently, he broke his tooth on something.
- Ben: Yes - my daughter's bra strap!
- Ben: That boy tried to assault my daughter Janey!
- Brigitte McKay: How could you let her go out with him?
- Ben: You...
- Brigitte McKay: Maybe I should call her and offer my support.
- Ben: No! Don't! Don't do anything ever again! Oh, my God! I promised not to say anything and there I go telling you!
- Brigitte McKay: You couldn't help it! Most men crack under the pressure of my wily interrogation!
- Ben: You only said 'What?'
- Brigitte McKay: I know! It's uncanny, isn't it?
- Ben: Right, it's showtime! Are we numb yet?
- Young Whitten: No, no! You haven't given me my novocaine!
- Ben: Ah, good! So, are we done now?
- Young Whitten: No! Are you crazy? Don't you understand the word 'no'?
- Ben: Me? Didn't you understand the word 'no' when my daughter said 'no'?
- Young Whitten: What is he talking about?
- Ben: Don't play games with me, Toby!
- Young Whitten: I'm not Toby! I'm James!
- Ben: [pause] You're who?
- Young Whitten: I'm James! James... Toby's brother!
- Brigitte McKay: [pause] Your father never mentioned James.
- Young Whitten: Yeah, well, he never mentions me at all! I'm not natural enough for his all natural England!
- Brigitte McKay: You don't eat organic?
- Young Whitten: No, no, no, no. I'm gay.
- Brigitte McKay: Gays don't eat organic?