My Family (TV Series)

Droit de Seigneur Ben (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : What are you studying?

  Janey : French.

  Ben : French. Oh, I was good at French. Zut! Not bad, eh? Alors...

• Susan : I have watched football with you! I have watched golf! I've been to dental conventions and sat through lectures entitled 'Gingivitis: The Forgotten Plague' and I have never complained! Do you know why?

  Ben : So? So you can throw it in my face at moments like these?

  Susan : Because love means sacrifice!

  Ben : Fine!

  [Plays two seconds of Don Giovanni] 

  Ben : Too big a sacrifice!

• Ben : [Holds up vinyl of Don Giovanni]  Your mother wants me to waste three hours of my life by listening... to that!

  Nick : So, why don't you? Can't be any worse than doing that.

  [Pointing to Ben's bills and laptop] 

  Nick : You see, the way I see it, dad, is we're all going to screw up whatever we do. So, why don't we screw up on the side of "Hey, why the hell not?"

  Ben : You know what really frightens me is you're almost making sense!

• Ben : [about her date]  Hi, Janey. Hey, hold on! How'd it go?

  Janey : It was fine, dad. Really fine. No... it was more than fine. It was brilliant, OK? In fact, it was so brilliant, I think you should give up dentistry and start up your own dating agency, OK? Now stop grilling me and leave me alone!

  Ben : [pause, then to himself]  She makes opera sound rational!

• Susan Harper : Ben. Ben. Ben! Are you sleeping?

  Ben : Mmh-hmm.

  Susan Harper : Are you planning on sleeping long?

  Ben : Mmh-hmm.

  Susan Harper : How much longer you planning on sleeping?

  Ben : [sits up]  What? What is it? What do you want to tell me, Susan?

  Susan Harper : OK. It's nothing. You're clearly in a state.

  Ben : Ah. What sort of state is that, exactly? Clearly not the state of sleep, clearly not the state of peace and tranquillity which I will obviously not attain until I'm in a state of death.

  Susan Harper : I'm not talking to you when you're in a mood.

  Ben : Thank you.

  [goes back to sleep] 

  Susan Harper : Even though that Whitten boy tried to assault our daughter.

  Ben : [sits bolt upright, looking furious]  What?

  Susan Harper : In the back of his father's jag.

  Susan Harper : She's fine though.

  Ben : That's what you think, is it? No, Susan this is droit de seigneur.

  Susan Harper : Excuse me?

  Ben : Droit de seigneur, as in Don Giovanni when the lord of the manor had the right to take the virginity of any maiden in the realm.

  Susan Harper : You've been listening to Don Giovanni.

  Ben : I... No, I haven't actually; I... it's common knowledge, isn't it.

  Susan Harper : No it isn't. Oh, you're so sweet.

  Ben : I'm not sweet, I'm a father, I'm incensed.

  Susan Harper : Ben, Ben, please don't make a scene.

  Ben : Oh, damned right I'll make a scene. A boy tries to assault my daughter, the little snot.

  Susan Harper : She feels she's already handled it.

  Ben : I don't care what she thinks she thinks. I'm her father; I know what she thinks.

• Susan Harper : You can't say or do anything, because if you do Janey'll know I told you.

  Ben : But you just did.

  Susan Harper : But you're not supposed to know.

  Ben : Then why did you tell me?

  Susan Harper : Because I couldn't sleep.

  Ben : Neither can I now.

  Susan Harper : But I feel a lot better.

• Ben : Girls mature very quickly, and boys don't mature at all. So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains, a big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do. Am I making myself clear?

  Janey : Disgustingly so.

  Ben : So, you understand what I'm saying?

  Janey : What... what I don't understand is how mum could tell you after I told her not to! This is not your problem, Dad!

  Ben : Yes, but you *are* my problem. You see, you've been this bewildering, complex little problem for 16 years, and I don't think I'm going to solve you, my darling.

• Ben : So, that's what you are now, is it? An artist?

  Nick : Yeah. Do you think there's an afterlife, Dad?

  Ben : God, I hope not.

  Nick : Because I had this dream last night that Leonardo da Vinci himself popped in and said "Nick, mate, I have two words for you: nude models."

  Ben : [Sarcastically]  *The* Leonardo? That is amazing! And those were his very words? "Nick, mate: nude models"?

  Nick : Actually, it was "Cara Nico, due perole: modelle nude!"

• Susan : Have you ever been disappointed when I've said trust me?

  Ben : Well, let's see. There's the truffles that turned out to be toadstools; there's the shortcut through the safari park, and there's the ever famous 'my parents won't be home for hours'.

  Susan : You *do* bear a grudge.

  Ben : I also bear scars.

• Nick : [Ben goes to hang his coat up]  Don't. I was drawing that. I call it 'Lonely Coatstand'.

  Ben : [Hangs coat up anyway]  Ah. Now it's 'Useful Coatstand'. Get the hint?

  Nick : Philistine!

  Ben : Cretin!

  Nick : Dentist!

  Ben : Layabout!

• Susan : The kids have already eaten, and I've whipped up your favourite meal.

  Ben : [looks terrified]  God, my favorite meal.

  Susan : Chinese takeaway.

  Ben : [praying]  Thank you.

• Brigitte McKay : Do you know who that is?

  Ben : No. In the chair, Brigitte? I don't, actually, no. One minute, I turn my back. The next minute, there he was - bang! Sprung up like a fungus! That's how I get all my patients.

  Brigitte McKay : He is Lord Whitten, champion of organic farmers everywhere.

  Ben : ...whereas to me, he's simply "lost filling with a receding gum line and breath that could kill a horse".

• Lord Whitten : Kind of your assistant to fit me in at such short notice.

  Ben : Mmmhmm.

  Lord Whitten : Very efficient young girl, there.

  Ben : Really? Did you give him novocaine or gas?

• Lord Whitten : You see, we've been up in London for this soiree thrown by the missus and I lost a filling in a devilled egg. Undoubtedly from a battery hen. They get depressed in cages, you see, and lay eggs like rocks. So, I call around for assistance and you came up highly recommended.

  Ben : Really? Well, it's always gratifying to be recognised in one's field.

  Lord Whitten : Yes - just around the corner and cheap!

  Ben : How very flattering...

• Lord Whitten : Just because I have a title, doesn't mean I'm made of money! Everyone always asking for something! Snivelling little vultures - do you know what I mean?

  Ben : I know what you mean - I've got three children!

• Brigitte McKay : Can I just say, Lord Whitten, that I was deeply, deeply moved by your pamphlet on the recycling of faecal waste?

  Lord Whitten : Really?

  Brigitte McKay : Yeah.

  Lord Whitten : Now, you see, *this* is the sort of girl my son should be meeting! Solid! Natural!

  Ben : Are we still talking faecal waste?

• Brigitte McKay : Mr Harper has a daughter!

  Ben : No, I don't!

  Brigitte McKay : Yes, you do! Janey's charming!

  Ben : You don't live with her!

  Lord Whitten : Is she a normal teenage girl?

  Ben : That's a contradiction in terms.

  Lord Whitten : No, no, no... I mean, I mean... er, d-does she have a pierced eyelid?

  Ben : No.

  Lord Whitten : Does she have nails in her neck?

  Ben : Er... not yet.

  Lord Whitten : And has she clipped her personal topiary into the shape of a duck?

  Ben : Erm... I just hope I never find out!

• Janey : [after finding out Ben has set her up on a blind date]  YOU DID WHAT?

  Ben : It wasn't my idea, for God's sake! It was Brigitte's!

  Janey : Oh, that's right! Deny all responsibility!

  Ben : I tried that when you were born - didn't work!

• Nick : It's great being an artist. I mean, you can work from home, you get to express your feelings and you get to sit around all day waiting for inspiration.

  Ben : But you don't make any money.

  Ben : Well, I'm a starving artist!

• Susan : This weekend, the Baldwins have tickets to the opera.

  Ben : Oh, God, Susan, I hate the Baldwins! I don't like going out with the Baldwins!

  Susan : But we don't have to! They can't go and they've given us their tickets.

  Ben : See? That's why I hate the Baldwins!

• Susan : You haven't been to the opera in 20 years!

  Ben : Ah, well... perhaps that's a clue.

  Susan : But it's Don Giovanni, your favourite!

  Ben : My favourite? I've never heard Don Giovanni!

  Susan : Well, maybe if you did, it would be!

  Ben : Susan, I hate the opera. I can't stand it. It's always in Italian or... or even worse - German!

• Ben : Whatever you're doing, stop it.

  Nick : Now, don't move. I'm nearly finished. I'm drawing you. I call it 'Atlas With World On His Shoulder'.

  Ben : [Smiling]  Really?

  Nick : Actually, it's 'Nude With Chip On His Shoulder'.

• Ben : [Looking at Nick's drawing of him]  What's this?

  Nick : Well, I couldn't afford a proper nude, so I had to use my imagination!

  Ben : Don't! I look like Homer Simpson!

  Nick : I paint what I see!

  Ben : The next thing you paint will be my hands approaching your throat!

• Ben : I haven't got a chip on my shoulder! I'm trying to keep this family afloat amidst a sea of bureaucratic piranhas!

  Nick : We're all behind you, old man!

  Ben : No, you're not. You're trying to drive me mad - you with your painting, your mother with her opera...

  Nick : Hey, it's like we're a renaissance family!

  Ben : Yeah - the Borgias!

• Ben : What's that smell?

  Janey : It's incense. Adds an aura of mystery.

  Ben : Oh. Bit like mum's cooking?

• Brigitte McKay : You're never going to guess who's in the waiting room.

  Ben : Correct.

  Brigitte McKay : Well, if you're not going to try, I'm not going to tell you.

  Ben : Good.

  Brigitte McKay : Lord Whitten's son.

  Ben : [Stands up slowly, angry on realising the same guy might have assaulted Janey]  What?

  Brigitte McKay : Apparently, he broke his tooth on something.

  Ben : Yes - my daughter's bra strap!

• Ben : That boy tried to assault my daughter Janey!

  Brigitte McKay : How could you let her go out with him?

  Ben : You...

  Brigitte McKay : Maybe I should call her and offer my support.

  Ben : No! Don't! Don't do anything ever again! Oh, my God! I promised not to say anything and there I go telling you!

  Brigitte McKay : You couldn't help it! Most men crack under the pressure of my wily interrogation!

  Ben : You only said 'What?'

  Brigitte McKay : I know! It's uncanny, isn't it?

• Ben : Right, it's showtime! Are we numb yet?

  Young Whitten : No, no! You haven't given me my novocaine!

  Ben : Ah, good! So, are we done now?

  Young Whitten : No! Are you crazy? Don't you understand the word 'no'?

  Ben : Me? Didn't you understand the word 'no' when my daughter said 'no'?

  Young Whitten : What is he talking about?

  Ben : Don't play games with me, Toby!

  Young Whitten : I'm not Toby! I'm James!

  Ben : [pause]  You're who?

  Young Whitten : I'm James! James... Toby's brother!

  Brigitte McKay : [pause]  Your father never mentioned James.

  Young Whitten : Yeah, well, he never mentions me at all! I'm not natural enough for his all natural England!

  Brigitte McKay : You don't eat organic?

  Young Whitten : No, no, no, no. I'm gay.

  Brigitte McKay : Gays don't eat organic?