My Family (TV Series)

Age of Romance (2001)

Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• [the family are playing Scrabble] 

  Michael Harper : Michael: That's 36 on a double triple-word score, plus 12 on a triple word, plus 50 for using all seven tiles, which makes 302.

  Ben Harper : What? Wh-wh... what kind of word is Q-A-T?

  Michael Harper : Qat, noun, from the Arabic 'khat'. A shrub prevalent in east Africa and Arabia - or specifically, its leaves chewed or taken as a tea for their stimulant effect.

  Ben Harper : Qat? What? Pass me the dictionary!

  Susan Harper : Why bother? You know he's always right.

  Ben Harper : Pass the dictionary! Qat! Qat! Qat! Right, qat...

  [Checks dictionary and realises Michael is correct] 

  Ben Harper : Stupid dictionary!

• Nick Harper : [Commentating the Scrabble game with a Scottish accent]  And here we have the aged veteran Ben Harper - oh, battling valiantly against the worst rack of letters I've seen in my life! He lines up another go... Oh, dear, he seems tense! I think I can detect a vein throbbing in his temple! He appears to be turning red!

  Ben Harper : [Throws his tiles in frustration]  That's it! I've had enough of this!

  Susan Harper : Oh, where are you going? We're having family fun!

  Michael Harper : You always do this when I'm winning!

  Janey Harper : Thanks, Nick! I owe you!

  Nick Harper : Yeah! £5, wasn't it?

  [Janey pays him £5] 

• Ben Harper : [Unpacking Michael's new iMac]  Hey, hey, hey! Michael, look at this! Whoo! 500Mhz G3 Power processor! 512k backside level 2 cache! 128MB SD RAM! Hah! No idea what this means! But if it keeps you happy for another three years, I'm happy.

  Michael Harper : Three years? G3's already out of date!

  Ben Harper : What? It's got a 20GB hard drive!

  Michael Harper : The new one coming out has a 60GB hard drive!

  Ben Harper : [pause]  It's blue?

  Susan Harper : Don't be silly, Ben. He doesn't mind about the colour.

  Michael Harper : Actually, I wanted a green one.

• Susan Harper : So, Nick, how long have you been seeing Amanda?

  Nick Harper : Oh, well, let's think... I met her when I had that limo driving job.

  Ben Harper : That would be Tuesday?

  Nick Harper : Yep. We just clicked and now she can't get enough of me.

  Ben Harper : Well, she can have my share!

  Michael Harper : And mine!

  Janey Harper : And mine!

• Michael Harper : Well, I'm still going to need some space for my new computer.

  Janey Harper : Er, well, I need somewhere to store my clothes - and your dead body!

  Michael Harper : Alright, and do you know how to kill someone without getting caught?

  Janey Harper : What?

  Michael Harper : I do!

• Janey Harper : I am sick and tired of being the poor relation in this family! Look, who's room is the smallest? Mine!

  Ben Harper : Alright! Alright! Why don't you two just swap rooms?

  Michael Harper : I'm not moving into Janey's room! It smells of girl!

  Janey Harper : Well, I'm not moving into Michael's room. It smells of...

  Susan Harper : Attention! Important announcement: nobody is moving anywhere! I'm not having this whole family disrupted because of Nick and his passing... fad!

  Michael Harper : No, mum. It's the real thing. He got me to programme her number into the speed dial.

  Susan Harper : He also got you to programme the number of The Speaking Clock!

• [Last lines - Ben takes Michael to work for 'Take your kid into work day'] 

  Michael Harper : Jeff's dad's in the RAF.

  Ben Harper : Really? But has he got one of these?

  [Shows off a dental mirror] 

  Michael Harper : He's got a Harrier jump jet.

  Ben Harper : Yeah. But can he do that?

  [Operates the dentist chair to go down] 

  Ben Harper : Hmm? And that?

  [Operates the chair to go up] 

  Ben Harper : Pretty impressive, huh? Haha!

  Michael Harper : Jeff's dad's got an ejector seat.

  Ben Harper : Yes, I wish I had one of those now.