My Family (TV Series)
Age of Romance (2001)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Janey Harper : Again, the poor relation. One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party, and nothing for the poor little match girl. Perhaps she'll just fade away.
Ben Harper : Hopefully mouth first.
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Ben Harper : Nice thought, though, isn't it? Nick moving out. And that room of his will make me a nice study, you know?
Susan Harper : It also will make a nice little sewing room for me.
Ben Harper : You don't sew!
Susan Harper : You don't study!
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Susan Harper : You know, I'm beginning to feel slightly nervous about this evening.
Ben Harper : So am I. Let's cancel.
Susan Harper : Out of the question. We're doing this for Nick.
Ben Harper : What you're doing is inviting the enemy into the camp so you can assess her firepower.
Susan Harper : You're so cynical. I'm simply inviting my son's girlfriend over so I can see what the cradle-snatching cow is really like.
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[the family are playing Scrabble]
Michael Harper : Michael: That's 36 on a double triple-word score, plus 12 on a triple word, plus 50 for using all seven tiles, which makes 302.
Ben Harper : What? Wh-wh... what kind of word is Q-A-T?
Michael Harper : Qat, noun, from the Arabic 'khat'. A shrub prevalent in east Africa and Arabia - or specifically, its leaves chewed or taken as a tea for their stimulant effect.
Ben Harper : Qat? What? Pass me the dictionary!
Susan Harper : Why bother? You know he's always right.
Ben Harper : Pass the dictionary! Qat! Qat! Qat! Right, qat...
[Checks dictionary and realises Michael is correct]
Ben Harper : Stupid dictionary!
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Susan Harper : Is it wrong to want to do something as a family?
Ben Harper : We've been doing something as a family for 20 years.
Janey Harper : Yeah - suffering!
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Ben Harper : What's he doing? I'm trying to concentrate.
Nick Harper : I'm moving in slow motion. I reckon I'll live longer this way.
Ben Harper : Don't count on it!
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Nick Harper : Hang on! Why didn't you tell me you were playing Scrabble?
Ben Harper : Because you cheat.
Nick Harper : Me?
Ben Harper : Yep. The last time you played, you put down seven blanks. There's only two blanks in a game of Scrabble. How do you explain that?
Nick Harper : Tipp-Ex!
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Nick Harper : [Commentating the Scrabble game with a Scottish accent] And here we have the aged veteran Ben Harper - oh, battling valiantly against the worst rack of letters I've seen in my life! He lines up another go... Oh, dear, he seems tense! I think I can detect a vein throbbing in his temple! He appears to be turning red!
Ben Harper : [Throws his tiles in frustration] That's it! I've had enough of this!
Susan Harper : Oh, where are you going? We're having family fun!
Michael Harper : You always do this when I'm winning!
Janey Harper : Thanks, Nick! I owe you!
Nick Harper : Yeah! £5, wasn't it?
[Janey pays him £5]
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Ben Harper : [Unpacking Michael's new iMac] Hey, hey, hey! Michael, look at this! Whoo! 500Mhz G3 Power processor! 512k backside level 2 cache! 128MB SD RAM! Hah! No idea what this means! But if it keeps you happy for another three years, I'm happy.
Michael Harper : Three years? G3's already out of date!
Ben Harper : What? It's got a 20GB hard drive!
Michael Harper : The new one coming out has a 60GB hard drive!
Ben Harper : [pause] It's blue?
Susan Harper : Don't be silly, Ben. He doesn't mind about the colour.
Michael Harper : Actually, I wanted a green one.
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Janey Harper : Er, excuse me? What do I get?
Ben Harper : Sorry?
Janey Harper : Well, Michael's getting a computer. What do I get?
Susan Harper : It's because the school says he's gifted.
Janey Harper : Well, I'm gifted! I've got a natural talent for fashion!
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Janey Harper : Why don't you buy me some clothes?
Susan Harper : Janey, you know your father and I have always treated all of our children fairly. So I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you we can't give you anything at the moment because...
Ben Harper : ...we've spent all this money on Michael!
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Nick Harper : Yeah, I'll tell you what, it's days like these you just know something wonderful is going to happen!
Ben Harper : Yeah. What, like you're emigrating?
Nick Harper : Ahahaha! Your sarcastic barbs cannot wound me, father! For I wear the armour of love and the shield of amour!
Susan Harper : Has Nick got a new girlfriend?
Ben Harper : Either that or he's discovered Cartoon Network.
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Susan Harper : So, Nick, how long have you been seeing Amanda?
Nick Harper : Oh, well, let's think... I met her when I had that limo driving job.
Ben Harper : That would be Tuesday?
Nick Harper : Yep. We just clicked and now she can't get enough of me.
Ben Harper : Well, she can have my share!
Michael Harper : And mine!
Janey Harper : And mine!
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Susan Harper : Oh-ho! So, Nick's got a new girlfriend!
Ben Harper : Oh-ho! So what?
Susan Harper : You couldn't care less, could you?
Ben Harper : Actually, you're wrong. I do. I care very much that our son is skipping around the house like a lovestruck baboon!
Susan Harper : Aren't you pleased that he's happy?
Ben Harper : Happy? He's always happy. That's the problem. When he gets happier, it's unbearable. It's like putting sugar on Sugar Puffs.
Susan Harper : This one sounds different.
Ben Harper : Different? They're all different - as in 'different planet'!
Susan Harper : Kelly was nice.
Ben Harper : Nice? She had nipple rings!
Susan Harper : How do you know?
Ben Harper : [pause] They jingled when she walked. What about that gold digger? God, she almost bled Nick dry!
Susan Harper : All she did was get him to buy a cheeseburger.
Ben Harper : Exactly!
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Nick Harper : [Introduces his much older girlfriend] Mum, dad, this is Amanda.
Ben Harper : Bloody hell... o!
Nick Harper : Well, have we but a world enough of time? Got to go! Catch you later!
Ben Harper : [to Amanda] You don't have to go through with this, you know?
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Ben Harper : [about Nick's older girlfriend] Well, she seems surprisingly nice.
Susan Harper : Yes. Did you notice she was... from Scotland?
Ben Harper : Mmhmm.
Susan Harper : You didn't think she was a little too... from Scotland?
Ben Harper : Not especially.
Susan Harper : I mean, there's quite a difference in the... nationalities.
Ben Harper : Does it matter?
Susan Harper : It's only, when Nick's 35, she'll be... from Scotland.
Ben Harper : What have you got against the Scots?
Susan Harper : For God's sakes, Ben! It's got nothing to do with Scotland!
Ben Harper : [laughs] I know!
Susan Harper : Then why did you let me carry on?
Ben Harper : I was getting bored of this book!
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Susan Harper : [about Nick's girlfriend] So you're really fine about the situation?
Ben Harper : Susan, there really isn't a situation!
Susan Harper : She's old enough to be his mother!
Ben Harper : Don't exaggerate! She's not that old!
[Susan scowls at Ben]
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Susan Harper : [about Nick dating an older woman] It just doesn't seem right.
Ben Harper : Susan, does it matter how old she is?
Susan Harper : It'd be like Janey dating a foetus!
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Susan Harper : You know, perhaps I should...
Ben Harper : No!
Susan Harper : Perhaps you should...
Ben Harper : No!
Susan Harper : You don't know what I was going to say.
Ben Harper : One of us should have a word with Nick.
Susan Harper : What a brilliant idea!
Ben Harper : I didn't mean that!
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Janey Harper : Well, thanks a lot!
Ben Harper : For what?
Janey Harper : For nothing!
Ben Harper : You're welcome.
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Susan Harper : Nick's not going anywhere!
Ben Harper : Oh, do you have to keep saying that?
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Janey Harper : I am sick and tired of being the poor relation in this family! Look, who's room is the smallest? Mine!
Ben Harper : Alright! Alright! Why don't you two just swap rooms?
Michael Harper : I'm not moving into Janey's room! It smells of girl!
Janey Harper : Well, I'm not moving into Michael's room. It smells of...
Susan Harper : Attention! Important announcement: nobody is moving anywhere! I'm not having this whole family disrupted because of Nick and his passing... fad!
Michael Harper : No, mum. It's the real thing. He got me to programme her number into the speed dial.
Susan Harper : He also got you to programme the number of The Speaking Clock!
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Nick Harper : Dad, er, you seen the car keys lately?
Ben Harper : No?
Nick Harper : [Waves them in Ben's face] Then take a good look! I won't be back till late!
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Susan Harper : Ben, I need to talk to you.
Ben Harper : [Half asleep] Oh no!
Susan Harper : It's important!
Susan Harper : Susan, if you want Nick's room, have Nick's room! That way, maybe I can get some sleep!
Ben Harper : It's not about Nick's room. It's about Nick.
Susan Harper : [Sarcastically] Oh! You surprise me!
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Susan Harper : [about Nick's girlfriend] Not only is this woman old enough to be his mother, she's acting like his mother!
Ben Harper : What, by blathering on and keeping people awake?
Susan Harper : I'm just worried somebody's going to get hurt.
Ben Harper : You know, whenever I hear that, I always know it's going to be me.
Susan Harper : And do you know what's most worrying? Nick isn't worried!
Ben Harper : That's because Nick thinks there's nothing to worry about!
Susan Harper : Exactly! Someone's got to tell him!
Ben Harper : Why?
Susan Harper : Because... he's got to face up to reality!
Ben Harper : What? The reality that his mother is an interfering, guilt-ridden, bundle of neuroses?
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Ben Harper : Look at the upside! Amanda's a sophisticated career woman with a successful business, and, er... think what she can teach him! How to dress; how to behave; how to hold down a job!
Susan Harper : Weren't we supposed to do that?
Susan Harper : [pause] Yes. But now's the time to pass the torch on.
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Susan Harper : There is some wisdom that a son needs to learn from his father.
Ben Harper : [about Nick] I've already taught him to pee standing up! Isn't that enough?
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Ben Harper : Nick doesn't want to talk to me and I don't want to talk to Nick! Talking doesn't make any difference.
Susan Harper : If it doesn't make any difference, what's the harm?
Ben Harper : What's the point?
Susan Harper : It would make me happy.
Ben Harper : It would make me miserable!
Susan Harper : Then I win!
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Susan Harper : Let's drink to marriage!
Ben Harper : No, no...
Amanda , Nick Harper : Marriage!
Ben Harper : Marriage... marriage...
Susan Harper : And fidelity!
Ben Harper , Amanda , Nick Harper : Fidelity!
Susan Harper : Oh, and not tarting around behind your husband's back!
Nick Harper : I think she's got the picture now, mum!
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Amanda : Honestly, Susan! You don't have to come the school ma'am with me! You must've had a few flings in your time!
Ben Harper : She most certainly has not!
Susan Harper : You seem very sure about that, Ben!
Ben Harper : Er, excu... Oh, you've had a few flings then, have you?
Susan Harper : Perhaps - while you were parachuting into Berlin!
Ben Harper : Well, perhaps! Perhaps I couldn't care less!
Susan Harper : Perhaps if you weren't so careless, we wouldn't have had Nick in the first place!
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Ben Harper : [about Nick] Happy as ever! You'd think he'd allow us a decent period of gloom.
Susan Harper : That just leaves Janey.
Ben Harper : Mmm?
Susan Harper : Nick's happy. Michael's got his computer. But Janey still thinks we're neglecting her. What are we going to do?
Ben Harper : Oh, I don't know. I... thought we'd just buy her a pair of shoes.
Susan Harper : I despair sometimes. How could you think our own daughter could be so shallow?
Janey Harper : [Walks in with a brand new pair of shoes] Thank you so much for the shoes! You're the best dad in the world any girl could ever have!
Ben Harper : Steady on! It's only a pair of shoes!
Janey Harper : You don't think that's the end of it, do you?
Ben Harper : [to Susan] See? Everybody's happy! Haha!
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[Last lines - Ben takes Michael to work for 'Take your kid into work day']
Michael Harper : Jeff's dad's in the RAF.
Ben Harper : Really? But has he got one of these?
[Shows off a dental mirror]
Michael Harper : He's got a Harrier jump jet.
Ben Harper : Yeah. But can he do that?
[Operates the dentist chair to go down]
Ben Harper : Hmm? And that?
[Operates the chair to go up]
Ben Harper : Pretty impressive, huh? Haha!
Michael Harper : Jeff's dad's got an ejector seat.
Ben Harper : Yes, I wish I had one of those now.
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Amanda : This is why I prefer younger men - no strings, no baggage.
Ben Harper : Baggage? You calling my wife baggage?
Amanda : No, I did not!
Ben Harper : Look, she did not.
Susan Harper : I have no idea what you're cacking on about, you idiot!
Ben Harper : Idiot? Who are you calling an idiot?
Susan Harper : Why not, if you think I'm a terrible cook?