- [Janey is in the bedroom with Kate while Ben is in the bathroom when he hears a buzzing sound coming from the bedroom and rushes into the bedroom to find Janey using an electric toothbrush]
- Janey Harper: What?
- Ben: I thought you were using a... your mother's toothbrush.
- Nick: Oh no. My worst nightmare. Two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister.
- Susan: So, Kate, any plans while you're down here? Shopping, maybe?
- Kate: Actually I've come down for the opening of the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. Then I'm off to a seminar on lesbians in the third world, and then I thought I'd pop into the Lesbian Bookshop for a browse.
- Susan: So I take it you're a...
- Kate: Lesbian. Yes.
- Susan: Looking forward to a packed and... exciting weekend.
- Ben: Doing lesbian things.
- Ben: So, er... I'm ready.
- Susan: Corn flakes in the cupboard.
- Ben: You little pixie! Stop it! I meant my presents!
- Susan: I didn't get you any presents.
- Ben: Oh... OK...
- Susan: You said you didn't want any fuss. I took you at your word.
- Ben: Er, yeah. I said I didn't want any fuss. I didn't say I didn't want anything!
- Nick: How's the birthday boy there?
- Ben: I dread to think what you've got me as a present.
- Nick: I didn't get you any presents, dad.
- Ben: Ah, yeah... Thank you.
- Nick: [pause] No, only joking!
- Ben: So?
- Nick: So here it is: "The soft answer turneth away wrath".
- Ben: What kind of hell present is that?
- Nick: The best kind! A few well-chosen words of advice. It may not cost much, but it will last you a lifetime.
- Nick: Yeah, well, these corn flakes won't!
- Ben: Well, you said you didn't want any fuss!
- Ben: Yeah, your mother said she didn't want any fuss on her birthday! Everybody bought her lots of lovely presents!
- Michael Harper: Well, that's because we knew she'd be really upset if we didn't.
- Ben: Well, I'm upset!
- Nick: Yeah, but it somehow seems to wash over us!
- Susan: Well, I've got a surprise for you.
- Ben: I don't like surprises.
- Susan: You'll like this one.
- Ben: What is it?
- Susan: If I tell you, it won't be a surprise any more.
- Ben: Give me a hint.
- Susan: Janey's coming for the weekend.
- Ben: Give me a different hint.
- Susan: Erm... she's asked if she could bring a friend along.
- Ben: And you said no?
- Susan: Yes.
- Ben: Good.
- Susan: No, I said yes.
- Ben: What did you say that for?
- Susan: Don't be naive. She wouldn't have come if she couldn't bring her boyfriend.
- Ben: And your point is?
- Susan: You'll have your whole family round your for your birthday.
- Ben: Oh, how lovely. Plus some hairy arsed, smelly student layabout!
- Susan: How lovely that you came all this way for your dad's birthday!
- Janey Harper: What? It's what any daughter would have done - after three hours of phone calls, 15 emails and a mobile jammed with text messages!
- Susan: It's what any mother would have done!
- Susan: It's good Kate's a lesbian.
- Ben: Yeah. Yeah, it's great.
- Susan: There are many notable lesbians in history. Catherine the Great.
- Ben: Oh, name says it all!
- Susan: KD Lang.
- Ben: Wonderful voice! Sharon Simpson.
- Susan: Who's she?
- Ben: One of my patients. Lovely teeth. And she pays on time - which, you know, I think is... is great.
- Ben: What does a gorillagram do, actually? Oh, it's not a stripping job, is it?
- Nick: No. You're thinking of a stripagram. A gorillagram is entirely different. I burst into the room completely unannounced, do a bit of the old comedy banana play, and then I sing them 'Happy Birthday'. Or 'Congratulations'. Or 'Deepest Sympathy'. And then if they want me to strip, I do.
- Abi Harper: Why don't you strip for your dad? It's his birthday.
- Nick: Hey, if I do it for anyone, it'll just make it tacky!
- Susan: Well?
- Ben: It wasn't there.
- Susan: What wasn't there?
- Ben: Your toothbrush.
- Susan: Forget the toothbrush. What were they doing?
- Ben: Kate was reading a book and Janey was cleaning her teeth with her toothbrush.
- Susan: What else were they doing?
- Ben: Giggling.
- Susan: What sort of giggling?
- Ben: Susan, I don't kn... There is no Beaufort Scale of giggling ranging from 0 - Heterosexual Smirk to 12 - Gale-force Bald Dyke Guffaw!
- Ben: Susan, I've told you, the toothbrush isn't there.
- Susan: I don't care about the toothbrush - it's here.
- Ben: You sent me up there on a fool's errand!
- Susan: You seemed like the right man for the job!
- Ben: Very good. Susan, while you spend all that time trying to trick me into spying on them, I go into a bedroom where two girls are sharing a bed. And guess what? They're sharing a bed. In fact, it was you who suggested they share a bed, as I recall. So, the only thing I've learned from this pointless exercise is where your bloody toothbrush is!
- Susan: Which is why I sent you there in the first place!
- Ben: Well, I'm not going again! OK? You're not tricking me into going there again! And now I've got a headache! Oh, god, where's the aspirin?
- Susan: I think there's some in the side table in our bedroom.
- Nick: Hello, Janey.
- Janey Harper: What?
- Nick: Are you gay?
- Janey Harper: No.
- Nick: OK!
- Janey Harper: Why?
- Nick: Mum and dad asked me to ask you.
- Janey Harper: How much did they pay you?
- Nick: £20!
- Janey Harper: I see. You're not going to tell them, are you?
- Nick: No way! If I play this right, it could be regular work!
- Janey Harper: Oh, by the way, mum, is it alright if we borrowed the car today?
- Susan: Of course it is, dear. It's fine by us.
- Janey Harper: Great!
- Susan: It's your life. Whatever you do, you're still our daughter and we'll always love you. Anything else you'd like?
- Janey Harper: Yeah - £2,000.
- Ben: What?
- Susan: Of course, dear. We could even make it £3,000.
- Ben: Yeah, or we could throw in the house and the furniture as well!
- Janey Harper: No, no, no, no, no! That's far too much! I'll just settle for backpacking in the Far East for a year. You know, to find myself.
- Ben: Well, that's alright. I'll give you a clue - you're here in my kitchen. There. Saved you a year off!
- Kate: You OK?
- Janey Harper: No. You know, I was this close to getting my backpacking trip.
- Kate: Huh?
- Janey Harper: You know, I knew I could count on mum's hand-knitted hippy values. But how could I forget about my dad? I'm such an idiot.
- Kate: What do you mean?
- Janey Harper: Look... well, if they thought I was gay, backpacking would be the least of their worries!
- Kate: What? So, I'm part of 'Operation Lesbo'?
- Janey Harper: Well, come on, Kate. We've used each other - you know, you get your free weekend and I get... You know, it would serve them right if I really did have an affair with you!
- Kate: Hah! In your dreams!
- Janey Harper: What?
- Kate: I mean, look at you!
- Janey Harper: I look alright.
- Kate: ...and self-centred, boring and talk about shallow! You'd make a paddling pool look deep!
- Janey Harper: I do look good.
- Janey Harper: Mum, dad, there's something I need to tell you.
- Susan: [while holding Ben's hand] Yes?
- Janey Harper: I don't know how to say this. But I mean... the thing is... I'm shallow.
- Ben: [Nods in agreement] Shallow?
- Susan: Are you sure, dear?
- Janey Harper: Yes! Yes, I've been trying to hide it; bury it deep in my inner self. But it turns out I haven't got one!
- Janey Harper: I'm never confused, mum! I'm too shallow!
- Susan: She's not shallow, is she, Ben?
- Ben: Hmm? Well, I... I suppose we've always secretly known it, y'know?
- Susan: No, we haven't.
- Ben: All those tell-tale signs: the magazines under the bed. Tatler, Vogue, Hello! magazine.
- Susan: That's not all she reads.
- Janey Harper: Actually, it is!
- Susan: Janey, I've always taught you it doesn't matter what other people think about you.
- Janey Harper: You haven't got a clue, mum! What other people think about you is the whole point of being shallow!
- Ben: Janey, it... it's always, you know, difficult putting yourself into someone else's shoes...
- Janey Harper: Shoes...
- Ben: No, forget shoes!