My Family (TV Series)

A Handful of Dust (2002)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : [to Janey]  How dare you not be gay? Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...

  Susan : You said anger.

  Ben : I was angry twice!

• [Janey is in the bedroom with Kate while Ben is in the bathroom when he hears a buzzing sound coming from the bedroom and rushes into the bedroom to find Janey using an electric toothbrush] 

  Janey Harper : What?

  Ben : I thought you were using a... your mother's toothbrush.

• [first lines] 

  Susan : Happy birthday, dear!

  Ben : Hah! Eh. Thank you. Wow! Mmm, the smell of eggs and bacon; my favourite.

  Susan : Actually I'm boiling up some of Nick's underwear.

• [last lines] 

  Nick : Mum, Dad, this is my new friend, Gareth. We might be gay, but it's going to cost you fifty quid to find out.

  Ben : Good luck, Gareth.

  Nick : [to Gareth]  He's still coming to terms with it.

• Susan : So, Kate, any plans while you're down here? Shopping, maybe?

  Kate : Actually I've come down for the opening of the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. Then I'm off to a seminar on lesbians in the third world, and then I thought I'd pop into the Lesbian Bookshop for a browse.

  Susan : So I take it you're a...

  Kate : Lesbian. Yes.

  Susan : Looking forward to a packed and... exciting weekend.

  Ben : Doing lesbian things.

• Ben : So, er... I'm ready.

  Susan : Corn flakes in the cupboard.

  Ben : You little pixie! Stop it! I meant my presents!

  Susan : I didn't get you any presents.

  Ben : Oh... OK...

  Susan : You said you didn't want any fuss. I took you at your word.

  Ben : Er, yeah. I said I didn't want any fuss. I didn't say I didn't want anything!

• Nick : How's the birthday boy there?

  Ben : I dread to think what you've got me as a present.

  Nick : I didn't get you any presents, dad.

  Ben : Ah, yeah... Thank you.

  Nick : [pause]  No, only joking!

  Ben : So?

  Nick : So here it is: "The soft answer turneth away wrath".

  Ben : What kind of hell present is that?

  Nick : The best kind! A few well-chosen words of advice. It may not cost much, but it will last you a lifetime.

  Nick : Yeah, well, these corn flakes won't!

  Ben : Well, you said you didn't want any fuss!

  Ben : Yeah, your mother said she didn't want any fuss on her birthday! Everybody bought her lots of lovely presents!

  Michael Harper : Well, that's because we knew she'd be really upset if we didn't.

  Ben : Well, I'm upset!

  Nick : Yeah, but it somehow seems to wash over us!

• Ben : How come nobody does what I say except when I don't want them to?

  Susan : Because you confuse us.

• Ben : [Checks mail for his birthday card]  Oh, this is fantastic. Great. It comes to something when your own mother forgets your birthday.

  Susan : She didn't forget. I rang her and told her you didn't want any fuss.

• Susan : You didn't really think I'd ignore your birthday, did you?

  Ben : No, I'm happy being ignored. I just want a bit of peace and solitude.

• Susan : Well, I've got a surprise for you.

  Ben : I don't like surprises.

  Susan : You'll like this one.

  Ben : What is it?

  Susan : If I tell you, it won't be a surprise any more.

  Ben : Give me a hint.

  Susan : Janey's coming for the weekend.

  Ben : Give me a different hint.

  Susan : Erm... she's asked if she could bring a friend along.

  Ben : And you said no?

  Susan : Yes.

  Ben : Good.

  Susan : No, I said yes.

  Ben : What did you say that for?

  Susan : Don't be naive. She wouldn't have come if she couldn't bring her boyfriend.

  Ben : And your point is?

  Susan : You'll have your whole family round your for your birthday.

  Ben : Oh, how lovely. Plus some hairy arsed, smelly student layabout!

• Susan : It's good Kate's a lesbian.

  Ben : Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

  Susan : There are many notable lesbians in history. Catherine the Great.

  Ben : Oh, name says it all!

  Susan : KD Lang.

  Ben : Wonderful voice! Sharon Simpson.

  Susan : Who's she?

  Ben : One of my patients. Lovely teeth. And she pays on time - which, you know, I think is... is great.

• Ben : What does a gorillagram do, actually? Oh, it's not a stripping job, is it?

  Nick : No. You're thinking of a stripagram. A gorillagram is entirely different. I burst into the room completely unannounced, do a bit of the old comedy banana play, and then I sing them 'Happy Birthday'. Or 'Congratulations'. Or 'Deepest Sympathy'. And then if they want me to strip, I do.

  Abi Harper : Why don't you strip for your dad? It's his birthday.

  Nick : Hey, if I do it for anyone, it'll just make it tacky!

• Susan : Oh, Ben?

  Ben : Huh?

  Susan : Could you get my toothbrush? It's in our bedroom.

  Ben : What do you want your toothbrush for?

  Susan : I want to design a cathedral. What do you think I want it for?

• Susan : Well?

  Ben : It wasn't there.

  Susan : What wasn't there?

  Ben : Your toothbrush.

  Susan : Forget the toothbrush. What were they doing?

  Ben : Kate was reading a book and Janey was cleaning her teeth with her toothbrush.

  Susan : What else were they doing?

  Ben : Giggling.

  Susan : What sort of giggling?

  Ben : Susan, I don't kn... There is no Beaufort Scale of giggling ranging from 0 - Heterosexual Smirk to 12 - Gale-force Bald Dyke Guffaw!

• Ben : Susan, I've told you, the toothbrush isn't there.

  Susan : I don't care about the toothbrush - it's here.

  Ben : You sent me up there on a fool's errand!

  Susan : You seemed like the right man for the job!

  Ben : Very good. Susan, while you spend all that time trying to trick me into spying on them, I go into a bedroom where two girls are sharing a bed. And guess what? They're sharing a bed. In fact, it was you who suggested they share a bed, as I recall. So, the only thing I've learned from this pointless exercise is where your bloody toothbrush is!

  Susan : Which is why I sent you there in the first place!

  Ben : Well, I'm not going again! OK? You're not tricking me into going there again! And now I've got a headache! Oh, god, where's the aspirin?

  Susan : I think there's some in the side table in our bedroom.

• Janey Harper : Oh, by the way, mum, is it alright if we borrowed the car today?

  Susan : Of course it is, dear. It's fine by us.

  Janey Harper : Great!

  Susan : It's your life. Whatever you do, you're still our daughter and we'll always love you. Anything else you'd like?

  Janey Harper : Yeah - £2,000.

  Ben : What?

  Susan : Of course, dear. We could even make it £3,000.

  Ben : Yeah, or we could throw in the house and the furniture as well!

  Janey Harper : No, no, no, no, no! That's far too much! I'll just settle for backpacking in the Far East for a year. You know, to find myself.

  Ben : Well, that's alright. I'll give you a clue - you're here in my kitchen. There. Saved you a year off!

• Janey Harper : Mum, I'm so depressed.

  Susan : Hold that thought, Janey. Ben!

  Ben : Mmhmm?

  Susan : Janey's depressed. We need to talk.

  Ben : I'll wait in the kitchen.

  Susan : Sit!

• Janey Harper : Mum, dad, there's something I need to tell you.

  Susan : [while holding Ben's hand]  Yes?

  Janey Harper : I don't know how to say this. But I mean... the thing is... I'm shallow.

  Ben : [Nods in agreement]  Shallow?

  Susan : Are you sure, dear?

  Janey Harper : Yes! Yes, I've been trying to hide it; bury it deep in my inner self. But it turns out I haven't got one!

• Janey Harper : I'm never confused, mum! I'm too shallow!

  Susan : She's not shallow, is she, Ben?

  Ben : Hmm? Well, I... I suppose we've always secretly known it, y'know?

  Susan : No, we haven't.

  Ben : All those tell-tale signs: the magazines under the bed. Tatler, Vogue, Hello! magazine.

  Susan : That's not all she reads.

  Janey Harper : Actually, it is!

• Ben : Janey, it... it's always, you know, difficult putting yourself into someone else's shoes...

  Janey Harper : Shoes...

  Ben : No, forget shoes!