- Edgar Bergen: You don't know what you're saying.
- Charlie McCarthy: Yes I do, Bergen. I can read your lips.
- [Waldorf is by himself in the balcony seats; Statler's seat is empty]
- Waldorf: He shouldn't have jumped. The show's not that bad.
- Edgar Bergen: What's the matter with you, Charlie?
- Charlie McCarthy: Well, if you must know, I'm lonesome.
- Edgar Bergen: Oh, you're lonesome? Oh, I should've guessed that. Sure. You miss the companionship of a beautiful gorgeous female.
- Charlie McCarthy: Yeah, yeah.
- Miss Piggy: [coming up] Did someone call me?
- [Charlie looks toward her, panting eagerly, then looks back with shock]
- Charlie McCarthy: Yikes! Don't look now, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.
- Miss Piggy: Did you say something?
- Charlie McCarthy: Yeah, well, I was talking to Bergen.
- Miss Piggy: Mm-hmm.
- Edgar Bergen: Yes, he was just saying that he wanted to meet you.
- Miss Piggy: Uh-huh. Didn't sound that way to me.
- Charlie McCarthy: Well, me neither, and I said it.
- Miss Piggy: For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.
- Charlie McCarthy: You? You're in love with a frog?
- [laughs]
- Miss Piggy: What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?
- Charlie McCarthy: You know what we used to do with frogs?
- Miss Piggy: No. You know what we used to do with wood?
- Charlie McCarthy: No.
- Miss Piggy: Chop it! Hi-yah!
- [karate chops Charlie, but hurts herself]
- Miss Piggy: Ow! Solid oak! Ah! Oh! Oh!
- First Mate Piggy: [during Pigs in Space] Oh, I am ready to do whatever is necesary, to save the Swinetrek and her crew. I am at the service of all porkdom, what is my assignment?
- Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: The Muppet Show. An embarrassing situation occurred today when the Muppet reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants... Oh, good grief...
- Charlie McCarthy: Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.
- Edgar Bergen: Charlie, Kermit is supposed to be here.
- Charlie McCarthy: Yeah?
- Edgar Bergen: Yes. And besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?
- Charlie McCarthy: No, I guess not.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.
- Charlie McCarthy: I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.
- Fozzie Bear: Listen, Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.
- Mortimer Snerd: Well... say, maybe I'm not here.
- Fozzie Bear: What?
- Mortimer Snerd: Was I here yesterday?
- Fozzie Bear: Uh, no.
- Edgar Bergen: Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel much.
- Fozzie Bear: Listen, Mr. Bergen...
- Mortimer Snerd: Am I supposed to be here?
- Fozzie Bear: Of course.
- Edgar Bergen: You'll have to excuse Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.
- Mortimer Snerd: Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.
- Fozzie Bear: Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?
- Mortimer Snerd: Well, if I was faster, I'd be here by now.
- Edgar Bergen: Listen, Mortimer. Take my word for it. You are here.
- Mortimer Snerd: Well, thank goodness.
- Edgar Bergen: Are you through?
- Mortimer Snerd: No, I'm here.
- Edgar Bergen: Kermit, do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying.
- Charlie McCarthy: I can be difficult without trying.
- [a bunch of chickens just played "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano]
- Waldorf: Terrible.
- Statler: Awful! I hated it!
- [a giant chicken approaches them from behind and clucks at them loudly; they are startled]
- Waldorf: Wonderful!
- Statler: Spectacular!
- Waldorf: I liked it!
- Statler: Yeah, I loved it! I loved it!
- Kermit the Frog: And now, in a feat of grand daring never before seen on this planet, the Great Gonzo will attempt to wrestle a six-pound red brick while completely blindfolded.