The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Harvey Korman (1976)

Frank Oz: Fozzie Bear, Animal, Mildred, George, Sam the Eagle, Animal's Dancing Partner, Patient, Baskerville, Pig

Quotes 

• Kermit the Frog : Okay, time, once again, for that furry, fuzzy, funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!

  Fozzie Bear : Hey hey hey hey hey! W-wait, wait wait wait, froggy, not so fast. Tonight, I'm going to use your assistance. Yes, sir. You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right, froggy?

  Kermit the Frog : It's unrehearsed, right.

  Fozzie Bear : Okay, okay, okay.

  [clears throat] 

  Fozzie Bear : Now, frog of my heart, you will just wait until I say the word "hear". When you hear me say the word "hear", you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief! The comedian's a bear!"

  Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

  Fozzie Bear : Check.

  Kermit the Frog : When you say the word "hear"?

  Fozzie Bear : Right.

  Kermit the Frog : Gotcha.

  Fozzie Bear : Okay. Now then... Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful looking audience! It's a pleasure to be here!

  Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

  Fozzie Bear : Not yet!

  Kermit the Frog : But you just said "here".

  Fozzie Bear : That was the wrong "here".

  Kermit the Frog : Which is the right "here"?

  Fozzie Bear : The other "hear"!

  [sends Kermit off] 

  Fozzie Bear : Go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks, this is a story you gotta love to hear!

  Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

  Fozzie Bear : Will you stop that?

  Kermit the Frog : But you said "hear"!

  Fozzie Bear : Not *that* "hear"!

  Kermit the Frog : Well, which "hear"?

  Fozzie Bear : Another "hear"!

  Kermit the Frog : How'm I gonna know?

  Fozzie Bear : You'll know when you hear!

  Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

  Fozzie Bear : [makes an exasperated sound]  Alright, listen, you will know when I point to you.

  [Kermit goes off-stage grumbling] 

  Fozzie Bear : Alright, don't grumble.

  [clears throat, to audience] 

  Fozzie Bear : Say, a funny thing to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear...

  [pause, Fozzie points to Kermit] 

  Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!

  Fozzie Bear : [in Italian dialect]  No, he's-a not! He's-a wearing' a neck-a-tie!

• Mildred : Even though we come from two different worlds, I find myself strangely attracted to you.

  George : I feel the same way.

  Mildred : You mean you're attracted to me?

  George : No, to me! Weird, huh?

• Fozzie Bear : My house is so dirty that my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet. I don't understand it either.

• Sam the Eagle : Oh, ahem. I often get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act. Oh.

  [He wipes away a tear] 

  Sam the Eagle : Oh! There's one right there, you see? You see, because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer - indeed, the very best this country has to offer. So, here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on - Wayne and Wanda! Oh, I need a hanky.

  [the curtains open on Wayne and Wanda, with a bottle of champagne chilling on a table next to them. Wayne offers Wanda a glass as she begins to sing. As Wanda sings, she constantly blocks Wayne from the audience's view, frustrating him] 

  Wanda : I get no kick from champagne/ Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all/ So tell me why should it be true/ That I get a kick - OW!

  [Wayne kicks Wanda off the stage and exits as the curtains close. Sam enters, wiping his eyes with his hanky] 

  Sam the Eagle : Uh, you see wh-oh...

  [His voice trails off and he flees the stage in humiliation] 

• Rowlf : Anesthetic!

  Miss Piggy : Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.

  Patient : Uh, is this operation really nec-

  [Dr. Bob hits the patient over the head with a mallet and knocks him out cold]